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Former FWB not letting go - very worried(68 Posts)
Background: in April 2016 I ended a 7-month-long FBW relationship with someone who seemed to be getting inappropriately attached to me. This relationship was never meant to be a regular, committed one; however, we had a lot in common, got on well and developed a solid friendship. He became over attached and I ended it as I didn't feel that way. We met perhaps 6 times in total but had daily email contact.
Anyway. I know these sort of relationships are complex and I fully understand why he would develop intense feelings. I also know you can behave irrationally when you're heartbroken and I have a lot of sympathy for that. But this goes much further and I'm getting worried.
WHen we split up, we mutually agreed to go no contact. Although I haven't seen him since then, he's been doing some really odd things that point to mental health issues. For Example:
- he has gone back online to the website where we met and has multiple profiles. In one of them he impersonates me, using my old profile (a cut and paste job), passing himself off as a woman. In others, he rants about the end of our relationship: how I didn't want to see him in person, for example, how I was having sex with all these men (not true, but he forgets we didn't have an exclusive relationship anyway ). It's very weird. His profiles read like he's deranged.
- he has this blog where he writes about me. It's really quite sinister. There he rants long and hard about me being a sex-addict, a "whore", not fit to work around others because of my sexual urges, etc. You get the picture. In some sections he implies that he can harm me if he wants to, that he can spread information about me that will damage me. He fantasises about me being dead or about hurting himself in a small number of entries. In the rest, he speaks heartbreakingly about the unbearable pain of losing me.
- a while ago, he turned up at the reception of the building where I worked and asked to see me. I wasn't in but he told the receptionist to pass the message that he had popped in and just wanted to say hi. All very casual. I freaked right out and Emailed him straight away, making clear I had no intention to renew our relationship.
I could not see this at all when i was seeing him. I believe he has developed an obsession with me and is starting to act almost like a stalker. I could keep ignoring him, but I am absolutely furious that he feels so entitled to me, to my time, my attention. He writes in the most self-righteous way about the way he's been wronged and hurt, about my irresponsibility calling an end to the relationship, about how I've ruined his life. Its so incredibly out of proportion with the kind of relationship we had (or I thought we had).
My worry is that one day he will flip and do something very stupid. He could inflict a lot of damage to my career, for example, if he spreads malicious information about me. He's also found out where I live, perhaps not my house number, but he certainly knows about my bus stop. I do have some sympathy for him but ultimately I'm very worried for me - his mental health really doesn't seem sound.
Is it time to involve a solicitor, or am I overreacting? I don't want to call the police as there has been no real harm as such.
You broke his heart and he has reacted in a way you did not envisage.
Normally I would say "Just ignore him, it will peter out" but this has been going on for 18 months now. A stern solicitor's letter highlighting his harassment could end the problem or exacerbate it. No-one on here can judge better than you.
Honestly I'd speak to the police. Laws around harassment have been clarified and tightened in recent years, I believe. They take this kind of thing more seriously, as they should.
It sounds awful, I feel for you.
You absolutely should speak to the police.
I really don't want to go into too many details but years ago I had real problems with a guy I'd been friends with online. Somehow he tracked me down to a few other places online and started engaging in really bizarre behaviour, some of which is similar to what you're experiencing, and he also started to contact other people who knew me with distressing messages. In the end I threatened to contact the police and they disappeared - I never did, the laws then weren't as good as they are now and I felt stupid. I constantly worry that one day they'll turn up again to be honest.
You have so much evidence here - please just call the police. They'll know what to do x
I don't want to call the police as there has been no real harm as such.
I disagree also. He has frightened you and his behaviour is menacing and causing you to fear for your safety.
Forget lawyers they dont have powers to do anything to keep you safe. Speak to the police.
Sorry this may be a silly question but how do you know these blogs are about you, how did you learn of their existence.
Did you meet him on a dating site, if so can you report him on the site for the fraudulent profiles, again how did you learn of these profiles. Are you sure he doesn't know where you live, have you seen him at the bus stop in question.
You definitely need to keep a log of every time he attempts to make contact and report each issue to the police. You don't mention whether he has made any other attempts at contacting you ie phone calls/ texts/messages/emails.
How long ago was his visit to your work, can you report this to the receptionist/security staff at work so that next time he visits he is told something along the lines of you have left the company.
'He fantasises about me being dead' get real OP. This person is unhinged, a whackjob you know? It's the POLICE you're looking for, not mumsnet. I wouldn't worry about your career - I'd worry about personal safety.
You need to get the police to speak to him. Well you don't 'need' to but I would. Solicitors in first instance are for civil matters - this seems to be more of a criminal issue, or going that way.
OP I would speak to the police. I would not want to minimize this. The police can advise.
Disquieted "You broke his heart and he has reacted in a way you did not envisage." He certainly has acted in a way the OP did not envisage but I don't know we can know he is broken-hearted. He may be saying that, but he is also acting erratically, maybe in his own mind this is an excuse for his behaviour.
I agree, this is something to report to the police. I'd also let your HR department know, and ask what security procedures your work has so that if he turns up again he is asked to leave. Your ex may have no intention of doing anything, but this sort of situation can escalate.
You absolutely must go to the police.
His fantasising about you bring dead is deeply worrying behaviour. The police will take this very seriously. I've worked in the criminal justice system and have seen defendants in court for less than this.
Screenshot the worst of the stuff about you and police.
Absolutely go to the police. He sounds unhinged. Hope you're okay.
Go to the police. He fantasises about your death. He's actually a danger to you. Men like this do act sometimes.
I think one of two things will happen: either he will be stunned by being spoken to by police and it will be a massive wake up call about his behaviour, or they will have to prosecute because he doesn't get it. Either way, you need the police to be involved - you cannot know how dangerous or not he actually is.
Has he contacted you recently, is his behaviour escalating?
Another one saying Call the Police!
Screen shots/links/ emails and messages and as much of a timeline as possible.
This is serious and unusual behaviour it also sounds like it is not dying out, but rather its escalating.
I would also advise telling work and HR (you can keep it very topline). The fact that he knows your bus stop is alarming to me. you should seek to mix up
a. The time and exit used when leaving work and
b. the time and method used to get home. Basically avoid a routine...
Bloody hell op, definitely police.
I'd also be showing any reception staff and neighbours his picture.
Thanks. It's so tricky. I feel so awkward going to the police, because this blog contains a lot t of sexual references - it makes me cringe. But I guess the police have seen it all before.
Another thing that stops me going to the police is, will they say I should just stop reading this blog? That's what I tell myself; that if I don't read it I don't worry. I've done that for a while and it works... but the concern about what he's plotting in his head is still there. Maybe it's all just bravado?
Someone asked how I knew about the blog - he told me in one of his lasts texts before we went no contact. As for his dating profiles, it's really easy to Spot him as he has an unusual writing style and use of punctuation.
No, they won't say that. If someone was using a blog to plot a murder, they wouldn't say "hey just stop reading it, problem solved". They get it - you're scared for your safety and his behaviour is frightening you. He sent you the link because he knew he could affect you this way. He's completely in the wrong here. Not you. And they honestly won't care about sexual references - they will have seen far worse.
Luckily he lives quite far away from me (over an hour away) and he's got a very busy job. So Im not too worried that he will track my movements on a daily basis. But he did turn up at my workplace a few weeks ago... he travels quite a bit for work and I guess he was nearby that day.
He's a respected and very senior professional working in the same sector as me, albeit a different department field within this sector. We don't have a professional connection at all, thank goodness. God, you'd never imagine him hiding behind a computer spouting this sorry of abuse...
Definitely go to the police and make sure you use the word 'stalking'. Don't minimise it. They take it very seriously now.
And don't be embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He's the one doing wrong.
You never can see it coming - that's why they get away with it. The guy I mentioned above, it took me a few months to figure out where all the abuse was coming from because honestly we weren't even that close. You just can't predict these things.
I agree, police and a restraining order. You have enough evidence to get one and I think it is a necessary step to keep him away from you.
If you had NC for just over a year, only met 6 times I can't understand what has prompted him now to start this? You only met 6 times, something,missing from this story
Don't worry a out sexual stuff unless it is violent although trying to 'shame' you is part of it, control eyc.
He sounds like a prize shit.
Pink sometimes men do weird things! It's surely not a news flash. May e he had another relationship for a year, maybe he is doing this to multiple women, who knows why.
I think it is unlikely to be a broken heart motivating him- more likely twisted sense of power!
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