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Going silently nuts - need advice from random strangers(9 Posts)
So. This maybe long. Apologies, but I really need to know if I'm nuts, paranoid or what. I think I'm nuts but would love other opinions.
Married 14 years, together for 16 years but long friendship with two previous rounds of dating. So we've been in each others lives for over 30 years. Our marriage has had ups and downs but we just get on with it. I adore him, and he is my best friend.
We have had periods of time where our sex life wasn't great nor our communications, and will every now and then have a big barney and make up and things continue.
I am a more social person than my DH, with far more friends than him , of both sexes. He has in the past ,no friends he spends time with outside home - he just isn't made that way. It hasn't been an issue, we balance each other out.
He has a fitness based hobby. It involves at least 3 sessions a week. There is an addtional session that he takes one of our DS to as well. I have been okay with this- it has veered into obsessiveness once last year, and he backed off a bit, but has now restarted ramping up the intensity.
This hobby is participated in by lots of very fit, single women as well as very fit professional blokes who compete in the sport. I am not fit and have some self-esteem issues. I have never met any of the people he trains with, or been asked to attend any of the events around this other than one a couple of years back ( and then the folk he trained with made no effort to meet me, nor did DH suggest it- I stayed with our son while he went over to say hi). I found this a bit rude , but some people are.
There was a weird period last year when he was training after my DS , so a random single mum I don't know was taking my DS to dinner with her every week. I found this out several weeks into it and felt a bit....eh? And commented. DH thought I was being weird for thinking it was weird, but my DS stopped the training later so it wasn't an issue. Recently, DH decided to attend an event to support one of the kids who
trains, and again it was a single mum. Initially my DS was going to go as he was friends with the kid then decided not to.No suggestion that I went and DH intends to still go. Again, I found this weird and blurted out this fact. I got a big lecture on how DH didn't have many friends, and that I shouldn't question him because it put him in the position of denying wrong doing when he hadn't done anything, and that made him look guilty. . So that put me in my place, but he ended up going with my DS and another kid.
Now I may well be nuts, but I grabbed his ipad today as I couldn't find mine, and he's friend requested some glamourous woman. I'm assuming she's from the training but it spun me out as I've never heard him mention her name.
I feel he doesn't want me to meet these people as I'm either an embarassment ( not huge size 16 but not an athlete), or I'm completely paranoid or ......
Recent other weirdness, had first haircut in years a few of months back and I mean years like over 10, and actually wants to buy clothes for first time in years again the same time frame. We have had an upswing in our relationship recently, so it could be for me but....(the haircut was before that, and he has never, ever wanted to buy clothes )
I don't know if I've been spending too much time on Mumsnet or what ....help.
Is it cross fit op? Just curious as I have been involved in this and it's almost like a family. Anyway it's beside the point. The main concern of mine would be the woman taking your son for dinner. I'd feel uncomfortable with that. The rest you could explain he's enjoying himself and feeling better about himself hence some changes. Cross fit if it is is this sport is a big community and it's a very inspiring place to be. Just trying to see it from another side.
It sounds like you don't trust your husband. Gut instinct can often be spot on. It sounds like when you try to discuss it with him he gets defensive. At the very least your relationship doesn't sound so great for you just now. How about marriage guidance?
Can I just point out however that single mums are not all one species who are desperate to get off with any man with a pulse As a single mum myself I wouldn't touch a married man with a barge pole.
It sounds like your husband is excluding from you with his activities and life in general though, and your instincts are telling you something is up.
Did I misread or are you saying he's not had a haircut in 10 years
If you've known each other for 30 years and you've never shown an interest in doing his sport then it's not so strange that he hasn't asked you. Why don't you get some workout gear and tell him you would like to try it too?
Thank you ladies.
Re haircut - normally just attacks with clippers, not long and flowing - he just can't be arsed. Same thing with the clothes , never shown any interest in either before.
Not crossfit, but hobby requires high degree of fitness.
Re sport - started it on my suggestion, 4 years ago. Not something I could ever do or join in due to health reasons. I have asked and when we were in a different area attended competitions etc but this gym is different somehow.
And yes re the feeling of exclusion, he does get defensive - which in a way could be fair enough if nothing is happening. He just mentions the guys but never the women at all yet friends them all over FB. Maybe because I am nuts. I just don't like it, and he won't address my concerns the one or two times I have raised it.
And apologies for the "single mums" comment but the area I live in does have a higher...er...how to say....reputation for predatory women? er......I know not all of them are out hunting down married men.
Maybe he's like my dad, who created around single mums as he saw them as an easy target, not having a man around 'n all. My dad had a hobby too. Easy to access single mums play the kind considerate helpful attractive man, for the (sex) endgame
Not created - "crept" (rubbish phone spellcheck)
If he feels like he needs to hide his interaction with these ladies from you it is a problem. If he told you about them and you met them your spidey senses wouldn't be going off.
Not telling you that your son was eating dinner with this other lady for several weeks was VERY weird. You need to know who is spending time with your children, it's a safety issue.
He might not be cheating on you but he may be getting silly ideas.
Maybe he's hitting the classic middle aged man mid life crisis.
No advice really but I would not assume a single mum was any more of a threat than any other woman.
I;d maybe suggest working on your relationship with him, maybe suggest relate if it seems appropriate.
Amazingly much of your post is similar to me and dh, he is sporty and I am not, he is not very sociable and I am mega sociable. He has stared a new hobby and I always ask him about the people involved!
I think I'd just watch with caution, and focus on being together and enjoying the strong part of your relationship.
Yes, your son eating dinner with another person and him not telling you is weird, to me,
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