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He's Gone

(11 Posts)
whyishedoingthistome Tue 07-Nov-17 21:05:13

I asked my husband to leave a month ago as he had told me that he felt his feelings had changed - he didn't feel he had any feeling left for me to be precise. It is our 21st wedding anniversary next week. We have two grown up children. In a fit of panic and hysteria as a result of him suddenly withdrawing all affection, and changing from a loving husband to a cold and emotionless stranger, I told him to go. I could not bear seeing him reject me on a daily basis, especially in front of our one DC at home. He says he was relieved that I asked him to go. So he left, and now refuses to come back. I have never been alone at any point in my life. I am now mid 50s and find myself alone and facing empty nest syndrome, at this point in my life, after supporting my husband all this time. Now it seems when the child rearing is done, I am discarded. I am bereft and find myself spending the majority of my time, crying. I think I am going mad. He won't explain, and is quite happy to see me in tears in a heap. After 21 years he has dumped me and doesn't give a shit. What can I do? He used to say I was his reason for living. Now he seems quite happy for me to disappear and he never wants to see me again. He denies another woman. I just don't know. How can I get through this on my own? How can someone change overnight?

Lottie509 Tue 07-Nov-17 21:07:54

Sounds horrible, did u ever suspect an affair?

Wineandworkout Tue 07-Nov-17 21:14:09

I'm so sorry. No sensible advice, but you're right that it isn't fair and you have been treated badly. It is a sad fact of life that people's feelings change ... though it's also true that men are rubbish at having insight into their feelings and so it could be that he isn't giving you an explanation because he doesn't have one. It's also possible that after having some time and space he will decide that he does want to try to rebuild things after all .. I'm not suggesting you should let him if he does, but it's possible.

Can you confide in your DCs? Our some trusted friends? I do feel for you- this must be such a shock. But also, once the shock has passed, maybe you will make something positive out of it. You may have an empty nest, but that also means it's time to put yourself first and focus on what you want to do. Hugs.

biscuitmillionaire Tue 07-Nov-17 21:14:14

suddenly withdrawing all affection, and changing from a loving husband to a cold and emotionless stranger

Sounds like he's shagging someone else.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bereft, of course you're hurting. These feelings are entirely natural, everything in your life has been turned upside down flowers.

Nazdarovye Tue 07-Nov-17 21:16:40

Men rarely leave a woman unless they have another one to go to.

scatterbrainedstarfish Tue 07-Nov-17 21:16:55

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. flowers
Do you have friends or family to lean on?
Please don’t pressure yourself to be anything other than devastated at the moment.
You need time and plenty of it.
Take one day at a time and make sure you keep talking to friends and/or family.
If you can, look for the smallest positive that you can find in this situation. To quote Leonard Cohen ‘There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in’. Look for the light, even if it’s just a chink, it will give you something to move forward too.

whyishedoingthistome Tue 07-Nov-17 21:17:29

Yes I did but he denied anything untoward even though the phone glued to his side suggested otherwise. I just don't know. I have said that if anyone crawls out from under a stone I will know, but it's cold comfort and doesn't help me. I am panic stricken and to be honest the only time I am at peace is the rare couple of hours I get to sleep. It is a nightmare I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. A lifetime with someone and then overnight they go. It is unbelievable and I can't process it. But I am having to carry on at work like nothing has changed.

bluebell34567 Tue 07-Nov-17 21:24:43

what I see from such threads that people's feelings change although they promise for life.
and I conclude that its best not to invest on anyone for life. it is sad but reality.
it will take time but you will get there.

scatterbrainedstarfish Tue 07-Nov-17 21:26:15

Given that a month has passed, have you had any contact with him?
It is essentially like grieving for someone when you have been with him for so long. It will be a great shock to you. Take it easy on yourself.

aftertheevent Tue 07-Nov-17 23:22:29

You wont always feel like this. Its a grieving process and Ive been through it. Once I accepted there was nothing I could do and accepted it was over then I began to get better.
If I were you I would think that hes met someone else and see a solicitor asap. Then you will feel you have some control of the situation.
Are you still speaking to him? I would go as NC as you can.
Maybe he wanted you to tell him to leave and he has been manipulating you so he appears blameless.

GrabbyMcGrabby Tue 07-Nov-17 23:26:33

flowers How shitty. Really feel for you.

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