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Can anyone help to give me some advice about supervised contact with DC?

(6 Posts)
yogamove Tue 07-Nov-17 20:43:40

My DC haven't seen my parents since last Christmas.

The reason for this is that I finally challenged my parents about by my upbringing, their poor boundaries in relation to sexual relationships and drinking and their massive neglect of me which caused me to come to serious harm.

For various reasons I spent decades convincing myself that things weren't that bad, that my parents weeren't that bad etc. Unfortunately, they were (and I have corroborated their neglect with information from others).

Anyway, my DC are 7 and 9 and previously used to see my parents a few times year, maybe 4 or 5. The DC aren't old enough to understand why they haven't seen them and - although they haven't asked about them much - I know with Christmas looming they will start to ask about them.

I have no intention of trying to repair my relationship with my parents for myself. I have tried, and I have asked them to explain why they brought me up in that environment and come to harm. To which their response has been complete silence. They still appear to be in denial about how things were.

But I'm genuinely not sure what to do about the DC. I would never trust my parents to have them alone, but neither DH or I are prepared to spend time with my parents to facilitate contact (it is too difficult when they are still refusing to address their faiings in the past).

I suppose I'm wondering if there's a way they could have supervised contact? I don't have anyone else I could ask to supervise their contact, but I'm not keen on a contact centre setup either. Is there any other option I may be missing? Or somewhere that I could go to for advice?

Thank you for reading this far..

RapunzelsRealMom Tue 07-Nov-17 20:55:42

Why do you feel there needs to be contact?

When I was NC with, now deceased, DF, he didn’t see the DCs. It was just a by-product of not seeing me.

If a parent is deemed toxic enough for you to have NC, why inflict it on your DC and add more stress to the situation for yourself?

newdaylight Tue 07-Nov-17 21:04:25

Who would contact be for?

From what you write, it would be for the grandparents, not for the kids.

Yes the kids could ask to see them, but you can make decisions in their best interest. If their grandparents are unhelpful people to have around in their lives then they might as well be completely cut out now.

Alternatively, I don't think there's any typical way you could have it supervised other than by someone you know. There are company's who provide contact workers. You can Google them and pay.

yogamove Tue 07-Nov-17 21:04:48

I suppose because I don't feel angry any more about what has happened.

That my DC miss them and want to see them and it feels like I am hurting my children and acting out of spite to keep them away from each other.

Because I don't have any concerns about their day to day interactions with my DC, just that I don't trust them to keep them safe on their own. And therefore am exploring an option where they have contact but no responsibility to keep them safe.

babybels Tue 07-Nov-17 21:12:40

If you did want to facilitate contact could you find a sensible person such as a nanny/ LSA or similar who you could pay to be with your children to keep an eye? You could perhaps get the children used to this person in advance so they feel comfortable with them. The person could be a 'helper' for your parents in the children's view if you didn't want to explain the real reason.

yogamove Tue 07-Nov-17 21:21:12

Thank you babybels, that's the kind of solution I'm looking for. I hadn't considered a Nanny, good idea.

I've just looked and there is also a private contact centre nearby run by independent social workers. It looks like a nice setting with various different age appropriate toys. That could also be a possibility.

At some point I will have to start giving my DC some answers one way or another so whatever I do is going to be at least a bit awkward.

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