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help me make sense of this? (possible trigger- sex?)

(18 Posts)
goinglong Tue 07-Nov-17 15:43:56

Brief because I have to pick up children from school. Namechanged because I don't want this linked to previous posts.

DH wanted sex. He mentioned it Sunday morning. Sunday night he slides over to my side of the bed and runs his hand over my stomach. I have my arms over my chest and my knees together. He carries on. I don't reciprocate but just say, ok get a condom then. He does, we have sex. I didn't want to have sex.

I thought I made it clear with my body language. Why didn't I just say no? He's not violent. I am scared of the discussion that would follow if I rejected him. He would want to know why and the honest answer is that I don't fancy him at all. If I was braver I would end the marriage- for a whole load of reasons, I think we've grown apart over the last 3 years.

But why do I let him do this? Why does he want to have sex with me when I am not reciprocating?

I keep getting teary and feel sick.

Any advice much appreciated. I'll be back later so sorry if I don't reply straight away.

RickOShay Tue 07-Nov-17 16:02:30

Could you talk to him about how you feel generally? It is ok for you not to want sex, it really is. Your feelings are valid, and just as important as your dh’s. Are you holding a lot of stuff in?

KanyeWesticle Tue 07-Nov-17 17:15:28

Why didn't you want to say no?
What are you afraid of?

CoyoteCafe Tue 07-Nov-17 17:21:58

It sounds like not only do you not want to have sex with him now, you don't expect to ever want to have sex with him again. I can see why that is a harder conversation.

It's not just "no" to sex, it sounds like you want to say "no" to the whole relationship.

Josuk Tue 07-Nov-17 17:25:36

OP - there are a number of issues/questions here.

Simple answer to the ‘why does he’ question - is that he can’t really read your mind. And if this is how sex has been happening for the past few years with you - he thinks that on balance - you might have not felt like sex initially, but with your touch he has got you going. Since you suggested getting a condom.
Many men think like that - that women have lower drives, but with touch, etc., start feeling like sex....

But the bigger issue is how you feel in general. Is the main issue your libido? Is it specific to your H, or do you find other men appealing?
Do you want to try to change it?

You sound really unhappy. I am sorry.

CappuccinoCake Tue 07-Nov-17 17:28:54

I think you need to say something as he is probably thinking you're okay with it as you've told him to get a condom. They cant read minds.

You sound really unhappy though. Do you think if you had a break from it and looked at couiples (sex) therapy you could explore things that work for you too or do you think it's all over?

Please don't agree to see if you don't want it though. I've been there and it's soul destroying .

picklemepopcorn Tue 07-Nov-17 18:27:15

It’s the enthusiasm thing again. We haven’t learned yet that both partners need to be enthusiastic for good consensual sex. I don’t blame people for not having got this- it’s a relatively new concept. But it’s rubbish to be the unenthusiastic partner. flowers

Orlandointhewilderness Tue 07-Nov-17 22:14:10

if you don't want to have sex, tell him you don't want to have sex. telling him to get a condom gives him the opposite impression.

pudding21 Tue 07-Nov-17 22:36:33

What are you scared about about the discussion? Is it fear howbhe will react in terms of anger? Or you're scared it might opens can of worms? Do you have other issues in your marriage? That's the key here.

LemonysSnicket Tue 07-Nov-17 22:40:25

Well, firstly it's not rape as you consented vocally. However I imagine it's causing similar trauma as you didn't really want to. I understand the pressure - my parter has a much higher libido than me which often leads to frustration on his part because I don't want to.
But it is your right to say no. Are you afraid of violence or disappointment?
It's hard to get going when you don't want to. Is there anyone you can confide I'm?

Bridgetothemoon Fri 10-Nov-17 10:03:09

Second the mind reading comment for both your sakes you should talk about it.

RidingWindhorses Fri 10-Nov-17 10:13:17

Having sex with someone who very obviously doesn't want to but doesn't say no is not good.

Irrespective of the question about continuing the marriage, in the short term I do think you need to muster the courage to tell him you don't want to have sex with him full stop.

Sarahjconnor Fri 10-Nov-17 10:15:55

I am sorry you are in this situation. I don't have any real advice to offer but one thing I have realised during the HW scandal etc is that a big difference between men and women is that women do not want to have sex with people who do not want to have sex with them. Where's as many men, seem to just want to have sex. If you'd said no would he have stopped?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 10-Nov-17 12:23:22

What are the consequences of you NOT having sex with him?
Why do you feel to have to have sex with him?

Berwithmeplease Tue 14-Nov-17 08:42:23

OP did you talk about it? You may need to broach it gently but I think your DH would like to know how you feel, I know I would in this situation.

AuntyElle Tue 14-Nov-17 09:06:46

People saying he's not a mind reader:

"I have my arms over my chest and my knees together. He carries on. I don't reciprocate but just say, ok get a condom then."

He knew damn well she didn't want sex. But he did.

OP, this is horrible. I'd talk it through with someone neutral if you can. A counsellor or a helpline? As you've said, you don't know why you didn't feel able to say no (although I don't find this surprising) you might need help working out what is going on for you.
Meanwhile, you could say to your husband that you felt uncomfortable last time, and you don't want to have sex atm. Just so that you don't have to deal with it 'in the moment' again.

Primaryteach87 Tue 14-Nov-17 09:15:19

I’m so sorry, you sound traumatised. I think you might need to take some big steps to change circumstances. X

Berwithmeplease Tue 14-Nov-17 11:55:52

Your DH sounds oblivious , or at least confused to how you really feel. If it’s been like this for 3 years it’s not fair to keep quiet, surely you don’t want to carry on like this?

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