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ExH living with someone new - how do I cope?

(20 Posts)
CandleWithHair Tue 07-Nov-17 13:33:30

ExH and I were together 12 years. He left me 2 years ago, saying he ,fell out of love’ apparently. No other woman involved (that I know of). I had been dealing with the fallout from infertility, a miscarriage and failed IVF (he was no support to me in this whatsoever, definitely ‘checked out’ while I was struggling/grieving).
I KNOW I’m better off without him but he definitely held all the cards when we split, I didn’t want to and it took me a long while to get past it. I am dating again but haven’t even come close to anything longer than a few dates, I am not sure why. I get cold feet with every guy I meet, find reasons to not like them, assume they won’t like me. I project confidence but I think my self esteem is not good.

I (stupidly I now realise) text ExH yesterday about one of ‘our’ cats - he doesn’t get on with the other one and has essentially moved out, lives in the cold somewhere outside - as previously Ex said he’d take him once he lived somewhere suitable, so I was checking to see whether he could take him now, given how cold it’s getting.
Ex replied to say he could as he is now in a house and then added a ‘by the way’ text to say that I “should know he’s seeing someone and they now live together”. I just replied “does she like cats?” because I had no idea what else to say. Good for you? Oh how wonderful, congratulations? Fuck you you insensitive prick? Great, maybe you’d like to hear about the guys I’ve fucked since you left?
Seriously tho, this proclaimation has floored me, I’ve done more rage crying and wailing in the last 24hrs than I have since we first split. Why does this hurt so much? And how the hell do I deal with it?

He’s not on social media so I’ve not got the means for snooping but that isn’t stopping my brain from conjuring all sorts of images of him with this new woman, living his perfect new life, probably having the babies I could never have. I know I’m just hurting myself thinking like this but I don’t know how to switch it off now I know.

Have any of you got any advice for me on how to deal with this? I really don’t want to slide backwards. I was doing so well, despite the lack of dating success. I suppose that’s another thing that is really hurting. He left me, and I feel humiliated enough by that let alone the fact he is already in a new serious relationship. I hoped I might get the karmic upper hand in that at least. Why am I still alone?

Sorry, this is a total rambling mess! I just don’t know how to process it.

CandleWithHair Tue 07-Nov-17 13:36:22

I’m also thinking now I’d rather keep grumpy outdoor cat than let dickhead ex have him. But that’s selfish isn’t it.

sizenines Tue 07-Nov-17 13:41:14

The stages of grief (see Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) sometimes don't come when you expect, or in the order you expect.

Do be kind to yourself, your mourning for your relationship will take the time it takes, whatever you try to do.

And why not keep the cat? At least he knows you and you feed him - that's a kind of fidelity, isn't it?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 07-Nov-17 13:55:50

You separated 2 years ago.
You still aren't moving on and this is taking it's toll on you.
Have you had counselling / therapy?
If not then please get some.
You still sound really bitter and you need to learn how to let go of all of that.
Believe me, I've got the t-shirt but I just had to let it all go and be grateful to be rid of the prick!
It's hard - really hard - but after 2 years, you need some professional help.

NewLevelsOfTiredness Tue 07-Nov-17 14:17:54

It might not have been meant that way, and was just a panicked response, but I think that "does she like cats?" comes across as quite a cool and snappy reply. If that's worth anything...

schoolgaterebel Tue 07-Nov-17 14:51:43

I, too, am rather impressed by your response 'does she like cats?' Very sassy

This may feel like a big bump in the road for you, but was going to happen one day, once you have gotten past this emotionally, you will never have to hear this news for the first time again.

You are one big step closer the moving on, and healing.

Hope your grumpy kitty is warm and dry soon.

Claireabella1 Tue 07-Nov-17 15:34:59

I smirked at your response. He might feel a bit silly, making a mini announcement like that and receiving a very 'whatever' response from you. I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time, I don't really have any advice except to take your time and be kind to yourself. Also, echo pp and maybe seek some counselling flowers

CandleWithHair Tue 07-Nov-17 15:47:35

Thanks for your replies. Now you’ve pointed it out I can see that actually that probably was a good response. I wouldn’t ordinarily accuse my ex of being arrogant or manipulative in this way but the whole way he phrased his announcement DOES read like he was expecting some kind of fallout. Ok, yes he would have been right about that but I’m glad I didn’t give him the satisfaction of realising it and, just maybe, made him feel like a wally. grin

I did go for counselling when it all ended and found it useful but honestly, until yesterday I would’ve sworn blind I was Over. It.
I think going back for a little more probably wouldn’t hurt, I definitely don’t want to dwell on this bump in the road longer than I need to.

schoolgate you’ve put that so well. But with that in mind, I don’t really want to hear anything about, or from, him again. Maybe giving him this cat isn’t the best idea as I will want to know how he’s getting on. Perhaps I should look for another solution.

schoolgaterebel Tue 07-Nov-17 15:50:36

Perhaps you could look for a home on your local FB page and local vets? Then you could delete Ex number permanently?

ElspethFlashman Tue 07-Nov-17 15:56:52

"Does she like cats?"

That is brilliant. High five for that response.

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 07-Nov-17 16:01:59

If you now don’t give the cat he will know you’re bothered. I’d say it’s still the best and safest option for the Cat and you should just continue to be unbothered and arrange hand over of the cat.

Wormulonian Tue 07-Nov-17 16:12:12

Conclude the business with the cat swiftly and then detach. remove his number from your phone, block/remove any social media contact. Go cold turkey.

Be very kind to yourself and keep very busy so you don't ruminate. If you wake up in the morning or during the night imagining scenarios with him or how you envisage his new "perfect" life then get up and exercise or play games or do something you need to concentrate on. Rumination is a killer

cremedelashite Tue 07-Nov-17 16:28:52

Brilliant cat response. You’re projecting a perfect reality on him and the reality will be real, I.e. full of the ups and downs of life. It’s probably infertility grief rearing it’s head? Therefore I think it’s no wonder this has walloped you. It’s actually eminently sensible to take your time with new partners and make sure they’re right, but if you think you’re rejecting them because of fear then maybe more counselling at this time? This shock will pass and you will come to accept this change.

GottadoitGottadoit Tue 07-Nov-17 16:36:48

Yep, you did well. Do you think you could manage to hand cat over without losing it?

SandyY2K Tue 07-Nov-17 17:32:57

I like your response. Kind of shows you don't give a damn. Excellent.

CandleWithHair Tue 07-Nov-17 17:58:54

My feelings for the cat are a whole different kettle of fish. He’s a miserable little sod but I love the bones of him, he just doesn’t reciprocate and hates Other Cat with a passion. There’s no way I can ever get them to get along. Grumpy Cat seems happy enough with his outdoor life,he has sheds and a little cat house at his disposal if needed, and there’s no guarantee giving him to Ex would change anything (he might still be an outdoors cat there), I just worry about him when it’s cold.

I probably would totally lose it handing the cat over, but because of the cat, not the ex. I think maybe I’ve created this entire problem by not really thinking through the reality of giving this cat up. What a div

SandyY2K Tue 07-Nov-17 18:21:07

What a div

That sounds so scouse.☺

Hissy Tue 07-Nov-17 18:44:59

My love, I know it’s hard, but it’s right that he told you, and he’s not done anything “wrong”

You’ve not had to face up to anything as yet and this is the time it starts.

Huge hugs for you, but it will get better

Costaricachica Tue 07-Nov-17 20:04:13

LOVE the cat response! Will have definitely not been what he'd anticipated. Small victory there!

Hope things pick up for you soon. I always hope there's something good round the corner, just sometimes it would be nice if it would just hurry up a little!


starskey80 Tue 07-Nov-17 20:16:07

Love the cat response smile

You rule !!!!

I think it's understandable to feel this way, it's hard when the ex moves on before we do, especially when they left us, or in my case cheated and now lives with ow. But at the end of the day we make our own happiness/life, and you sound great. So hopefully this was just an unexpected bump in the road smile

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