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Yuk!! Ducks in a row

(30 Posts)
Wotapalaver Tue 07-Nov-17 13:23:10

Have decided to well and truly get ducks in a row. Seems my DH has moved on from over communicating with our assistant and also a previous very old EA to hardcore online porn (usually female on female stuff) whenever I’m not around and often several times a day. It’s like someone has to replace one buzz with another. I did ask a while ago and he said he uses it occasionally when away and I’m ok with that, however this is clearly not the case. Can’t see any paid stuff anywhere, but lots of ‘amateur’ stuff and ‘girlfriends’ stuff. I am pretty upset, at the moment he is meant to be doing everything to prove he is trustworthy and whilst I have seen nothing in RL saying he isn’t, I draw the line at prolific secret use, whether free or not. I have upped this aspect slightly in our life to see if it made a difference and it hasn’t. I don’t want to get into a ‘porn is all ok’ debate, as I’m not anti it in moderation . It just seems to me he gets off on secrecy, and replaces one thing with another. Anyone else had this and decided to tell them to do one. I have to be honest, it is totally putting me off that aspect of our lives. I haven’t by the way installed spyware, I’ve just checked on the router traffic (as it shows all, whether private browsing or not) I appreciate the trust has gone and that’s reason enough to leave anyway, but I do like to have reasons, especially when I stayed after an old EA. I feel so gobsmacked , we have been good friends, together 21 years and I am to be honest somewhat disgusted.

Wotapalaver Tue 07-Nov-17 13:25:52

And no, it’s not being brought up I feel till I am literally ‘off’ , no kids at home to consider. Seriously are there any guys out there who don’t have these weird needs

hellsbellsmelons Tue 07-Nov-17 14:12:48

One of the many reasons I ended my last relationship was I found out he was a porn addict.
Literally, morning, noon and night.
His browsing history was not pretty reading at all.
He was vile though.
A narcissist and misogynist, but I didn't see it until I ended it.
But I wasn't with him for 21 years.
That's a long time.
Cliche - but where do you see yourself in a years time?
Still with him?
Still doing what you are doing?
It's truly disheartening isn't it.
Time to take control and do you want with YOUR life.
You've given him 21 years.
You've no DC at home.
Get out there and discover the world.

Wotapalaver Tue 07-Nov-17 15:34:55

Yep hells bells, find it disheartening, the worst thing is it’s actually putting me off sex, I’ve never been mega bothered anyway, but have always said I don’t mind occasional use , but this is really in my opinion OTT and not appealing !! Come to conclusion that he just gets off on secrecy, no, I don’t see myself putting up with it, need a few other business things sorted first though.

TammyswansonTwo Tue 07-Nov-17 15:42:53

You'll have lots of replies telling you that porn is harmless and for some that's true, just as some people can place the odd bet or smoke the odd fag. For others, it's a destructive and vile addiction that can and will destroy relationships in not addressed. Sounds for him that the secrecy is where he gets his enjoyment, a bit like voyeurism is a thing for some regardless of the content.

Wotapalaver Tue 07-Nov-17 15:58:34

I realise I may sound controlling but at the moment he is meant to be doing everything to show he is a safe partner and he does know my views on porn, ive never said its a no, no and have always said it has its place I feel 'occasionally' and if I sound controlling, then thats the level I personally feel ok with, not most days, in secret. I thought i knew him incredibly well, clearly not.

CookieMonster54 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:25:27

I'm a man and I can tell you we all watch porn. Some of us might lie about it, and equally, some of us might develop an addiction that is unhealthy.

If my partner made it a condition of our relationship that I could never again watch porn (and since I have no reason to lie here, I currently do so once or twice a week) I would try to live with that but I'd probably expect more regular sex as well.

I have to say though, four or five viewing sessions a day suggests it's gone beyond needing to relieve sexual tension. I'm not sure even the most committed masturbator could manage that much, and I'm probably 5-10 years younger than your husband.

Wotapalaver Tue 07-Nov-17 16:41:04

Once or twice a week though is a bit different to once or twice a day in your 50’s

TammyswansonTwo Tue 07-Nov-17 20:13:24

All men do not watch porn. That's utter bullshit.

TammyswansonTwo Tue 07-Nov-17 20:15:15

Or you could just have a wank without it - demanding more regular sex would make you a scumbag, no?

Ugh. No wonder so many women are so fucked off with men, the entitlement is beyond belief.

user1480334601 Tue 07-Nov-17 20:20:21

What tammy said x100

Tinkerbec Tue 07-Nov-17 20:24:29

Exactly!
Its a want not a need.

Cynara Tue 07-Nov-17 20:38:12

Tammy's said it. Absolutely. Expect away, it doesn't mean you're entitled to it. No wonder women are fucked off.

allegretto Tue 07-Nov-17 20:40:24

I'm a man and I can tell you we all watch porn. Oh wow, I didn't realize you had literally asked half the human race about this.

TammyswansonTwo Tue 07-Nov-17 20:44:20

I've had boyfriends who watch porn, and boyfriends who absolutely detest porn. I've had boyfriends who started watching it as younger men but then realised it's a nasty, exploitative business and stopped.

The male of the species, funnily enough, managed not to die of exploded testes before they had non-stop access to hardcore pornography in their pockets.

Wotapalaver Tue 07-Nov-17 21:33:15

What's really got me is I've said what I think before and he knows I'm not 100% anti it, but I am anti really hard core stuff and this frequently as well. People are right about entitlement, it's as if we should all be cool about it

TammyswansonTwo Tue 07-Nov-17 22:10:58

Sadly some men are now used to getting away with watching as much hardcore porn as they want, whenever they want, despite the obvious negative effects this has on their relationships, brains, attitudes towards women etc.

When you actually step back and look at it objectively, without the acceptability bestowed on it by (a male dominated) society, of course has utterly ridiculous that men can claim to completely faithful while wanking to a variety of women getting aggressively fucked in increasingly demeaning ways. I mean, really. It's so screwed up it would be funny if it weren't such a mess.

There absolutely are men who don't like porn, I've been with a few. Sadly it's so ubiquitous these days that it's less likely than ever that younger men won't watch it. Older men I guess you have a better chance.

CookieMonster54 Tue 07-Nov-17 23:50:10

Oh christ, here we go. I'm apparently "entitled" because while I love my other half, I don't think she has the right to regulate my body or my mind, nor mine hers. Porn is terrible, but asking for more sex is terrible and "entitled". Presumably masturbating to anything other than one's other half would be terrible.

As for the "porn is exploitative" angle, of course some of it is. It's not much more or less exploitative to watching two men beat each other up in an MMA ring, though, is it?

People have sexual urges because they are people. It would be unreasonable to expect the other person in a relationship to satisfy those urges on demand. It's also unreasonable to expect a person not to have them at all. You guys can pretend it's terrible if you want, and that there are good guys out there who've never looked at a pornographic image. But it's not true.

chestylarue52 Wed 08-Nov-17 04:42:39

@CookieMonster54

Do you have reading comprehension difficulties? The op clearly says she doesn't want to get into this debate and wants specific support around her cheating lying partner.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 08-Nov-17 05:40:13

CookieMonster, you may speak as a man but you can't possibly speak as all men. Not all men, for example, even have sexual urges.

TammyswansonTwo Wed 08-Nov-17 07:16:07

Oh okay. Sure. It's not true. Whatever, dude.

Asking someone you're in a relationship not to look at porn is not controlling, and "expecting more sex" (your words) is entitled. It's so ingrained in you (and many other men, but not all) that you can't even see this - hence ENTITLED.

Anyway, back to you OP. How are you doing?

TammyswansonTwo Wed 08-Nov-17 07:19:32

Also, MMA fighting?!

Says a lot about your view of it, not to mention your lack of understanding about what pushes many women into porn in the first place. No, it's not the fucking same. Wow.

Alittlepotofrosie Wed 08-Nov-17 07:26:17

It's not up to the bloke on the thread to decide you should just put out more if you don't like the porn. If you're not comfortable with your partner watching trafficked and exploited women in porn then that's fine. Do you need help from the posters here in how to get your stuff in order?

Alittlepotofrosie Wed 08-Nov-17 07:27:43

what cookie is basically saying is that its your fault because you're not giving him enough sex. Yuk.

abbsisspartacus Wed 08-Nov-17 07:31:27

MMA fighting? 😂😂😂because of course it's not male dominated audience in the slightest

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