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Should I have told him.

(72 Posts)
ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 10:05:10

I’ve been living with DP for two years. I took out an IVA five years ago and they’ve just extended it for 12 months meaning I have another year to pay.
I never told my DP about it as I was ashamed about it. He’s frequently questioned where my money goes but I’ve just shrugged it off and said I had outgoings.
He has frequently paid for things for me when I said I didn’t have money such as holidays. He also settled my car finance as he wanted to help reduce my outgoings. Again I didn’t tell him about my IVA. I told him about this weekend as I’m so stressed it has been extended and he is furious. He feels taken advantage of and that I’ve lied to him. I said I just wanted some privacy about my financial affairs and that I wasn’t trying to deceive him.
I think this may be a deal breaker for him and I will have lost the man I love.

MiniCooperLover Tue 07-Nov-17 10:16:15

Why was it extended OP? Do you still have significant debts to pay? I’m afraid I’d be furious too, you’ve allowed him to pay for holidays etc, you should have been honest 😔

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 10:21:47

Apparently they have an option to either make you release equity on your home or if that’s not possible they extend it for 12 months. I have a property that I lived in before I moved in with him. There is no equity.
I have told him in the past that I had no money and I had no problem being left out of things because I couldn’t afford it.
I haven’t just kept on accepting things off him. I told him it was a loan that was coming to an end
Yes you are right. I should have told him. I was ashamed and embarrassed and just wanted the whole episode to end. Which it would have in February.

SleepFreeZone Tue 07-Nov-17 10:36:30

Do you think he's angry because (i assume) your credit rating has been negatively affected and that will inturn affect how you and he run your lives together in the future?

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 10:39:24

No. He genuinely thought he was helping me reduce me outgoings when now he feels they were never going to go down because I’m committed to this IVA. I know he’s right to feel like this but I was just ashamed and hoping to never have to tell him.
I know I’ve messed up but never for one moment thought it would cause the relationship to completely break down.

annielouise Tue 07-Nov-17 10:43:41

Why has it been extended? Presumably because you've not paid it in full. So where has the money gone? Has he seen you spending on new clothes, shoes, bags, going out, daily coffees, getting your nails done, Sky? If you've cut your expenditure to the wire to avoid this IVA and he's seen this then I can imagine why he'd be annoyed. If you've done none of these things and the payments were too much for you then he should get over it.

ZestyMaximus Tue 07-Nov-17 10:47:10

Sorry OP but you can't have both privacy regarding your financial affairs and accept handouts to help you with your financial affairs. One or the other. As for not trying to deceive him, that's exactly what you consciously decided to do due to embarrassment. I'm afraid his fury over being deceived is more just than you withholding the truth due to embarrassment.

I'd be furious too. Lack of honesty in a partner would be a deal breaker for me. Without honesty, there's no actual relationship.

I hope things work out for you (and you're able to pay him back).

TheStoic Tue 07-Nov-17 10:49:45

You’ve lied to him for two years?

I’d be furious and I’d dump you there and then.

PandorasXbox Tue 07-Nov-17 10:50:28

Of course he’s angry. You’ve lied to him and took his money.

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 10:51:49

The reason I got into debt was way before I met him. It had been going two years by then.
I moved in with my DP and his children and I asked to discuss what contribution to make. He wanted nothing off me as he just wanted me to have money behind me.
Perfect opportunity to tell him (I didn’t)
He settled the finance on my car(last 6 months) as I needed to sell it.
He has paid for holidays. Although I said I didn’t mind not going as I couldn’t afford it.
I do not live a lavish lifestyle and there is no money being spent on luxuries in my part.
He is a high earner and i try to contribute as much as possible to our lives but it comes no where near.
I get that he’s hurt. But my not telling him didn’t come from a place of me wanting to extract money from him. Just embarrassment but he doesn’t see it like that.

ZestyMaximus Tue 07-Nov-17 10:53:02

He genuinely thought he was helping me reduce me outgoings All the while you knew it wouldn't but took the money anyway. Yeah, sorry, there's no way you can peddle the 'didn't mean to deceive him' line. That's just the next lie.

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 10:55:10

Yes you are all right. I’ve tied myself in knots not wanting to tell him. I haven’t just taken money off him. I have tried to contribute to the family expenses but it just doesn’t make a dent.
He was trying to help me out all this time and I just didn’t tell the truth.

PandorasXbox Tue 07-Nov-17 10:56:12

He’s possibly not upset about the money but the fact that you’ve deceived him. When someone lies to you it makes you question everything.

dramallamakarma Tue 07-Nov-17 10:58:11

@ultrababy bit off topic but if there is no equity they shouldn’t extend the IVA.

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 10:58:55

I get that. I was just hoping it would all go away. That I would have paid it off and then have more money available that I could just offer to Pay it back (he would never take it)

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 11:01:30

I thought that they couldn’t extend it but they have. They have used the fact I can’t re-mortgage the property to release equity as me refusing to release it so they have the option to extend it by 12 months.
I have no issue with doing this. I owe the money and I want to pay it back.

PandorasXbox Tue 07-Nov-17 11:01:48

All you can do is explain yourself and apologise.

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 11:04:18

I have tried to. He’s so angry and sees me in a completely different light and questions who I really am.
Rightly so, but this isn’t all who I am? I’ve made a mistake. A big one. Worth throwing everything away for ? I didn’t think so.

ZestyMaximus Tue 07-Nov-17 11:08:21

OP - If you can now honestly see that you did deceive him, and you want to save the relationship, I suggest the following:

1 Tell him open heartedly that you know what you did was wrong. Don't say things like 'didn't mean to deceive him' because he (like us) can easily see that you did. Honesty needs to start now. Further lies will simply compound his lack of trust in you.

2 Answer all of his questions that he may have regarding your financial situation. Show him documents if need be. I know that you will find this embarrassing but he's angry about the lack of honesty, not the debt itself.

3 Work with him to work out how best to pay him back for the aspects he has helped you with, that have caused him to feel deceived. I assume you probably can't start until after the IVA is finished. Having the conversation now though shows that a) you can see his view as having been deceived and b) that this is something that you want to rectify as best you can.

Hopefully, this will show him that you are truly sorry, that you won't do anything like that again, and that you can now be trusted. Good luck.

TheStoic Tue 07-Nov-17 11:09:37

You obviously DID think it was a big deal. That’s why you kept it from him in the first place.

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 11:13:18

Sorry, where have I said i didn’t think it was a big deal? Apologies if I have as it is a massive deal because potentially it’s the end of a relationship not just with my partner but his children too.
I have told him everything and at first he was just annoyed. He told me to get a settlement figure and we would go from there.
I went to work, came back and now he’s completely ignored me and sent me a text telling me how furious and disappointed he is and doesn’t know where we go from here?

Smeaton Tue 07-Nov-17 11:14:15

Its rarely the secret that causes issue, its usually the lies.

Its important to remember that when heading into a relationship with a new person.

ultrababy Tue 07-Nov-17 11:17:52

Yes that’s so true. It all seems so obvious and underhanded when I look back. But at the time I just kept putting it off and off thinking any month now it will all be sorted.

Aderyn17 Tue 07-Nov-17 11:18:01

I don't know actually. He wanted you to move in. Presumably he wanted you to share in holidays, so was willing to finance it - you did tell him you had outgoings and couldn't afford the things he could afford. Knowing that, he made a choice to pay for them himself.
I'm not sure that he had a 'right' as such, to know what precisely those 'outgoings' are. Where couples don't have joint bank accounts, joint mortgage or any legal liability for each other's debts, I think there is no obligation to share something you were embarrassed about.
Obviously, that doesn't apply if your situation could impact on him, legally.

molifly Tue 07-Nov-17 11:18:54

I really feel for you. I understand that it can be embarrassing and emotional been through money problems and you feel you will be judged over the situation.

Give him space to come round and explain to him exactly why you haven't mentioned anything e.g through fear of letting him down etc.

Everyone is entitled to financial privacy.

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