Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Phased out / dumped. Please please help. Feel like I am Drowning

(77 Posts)
Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 09:53:17

Posted about this man ages ago in AIBU. Met through a shared hobby. He is definitely single. Was very into me. Sending lots of texts, ringing every day. Asking how I though things were going after each date. Lots of open talk about his feelings and mine. Instigated by him. He was by far the more full on and I was very cautious. Eventually I talked to him and said it felt too much and he calmed down. We went out more and got on. I started to like him an f have feelings for him . It's been 11 weeks almost. Had trouble trusting after a marriage break up (husband still lives in the house but we are not sharing a bed / life anymore . It's a question of how soon he can move out into his own place ) always been totally open and honest with new man about it. He was absolutely fine. Actually praised my honesty and openness many times. Not slept together as I wanted to be sure about him and take it slow. Again he was fine with this.we were on the same page. Didn't want a casual / one night stand thing.

Anyway about 3 weeks ago new man lost his job. Was upbeat at first saying he was applying for other stuff and would be ok. Slowly he's become withdrawn. Moody. Says it's effecting him badly and he doesn't like not working. Now he's said he wants space. Cancelled our date Saturday saying he didn't feel like doing.much that day.said it wasn't me or anything I had done but it's because he's spent x number of weeks with no real routine he's in a doing nothing mindset. Hes still taking part in the shared hobby we have however. He said he's snappy and off with his daughter, family other friends. It's nothing against me etc etc. Anyway now the phone calls have stopped. Doesn't reply to texts. Followed me on Twitter . Only place he has kept me is Facebook. I am being careful not to post anything about this on there or to post anything cryptic. Last week I noticed he had been through his Facebook and deleted all trace of me. Check ins and photos of us. He said his daughter (late teens) had been asking him questions about who I was and he has always said he wouldn't be introducing a new woman to her unless he had been in the relationship some time and was as sure as he could be about the direction it was going. I have kids and I understand that. Something about it didn't quite sit right in my gut feeling as she's not on his friends list and his posts were for friends only but he was adamant she had seen some of the posts and kicked off about it ...

Anyway yesterday I asked outright does he still have feelings and want to see me. He just said he wanted to be on his own and needed some space to sort the job thing out. This later turned to Jim saying he needs to sort his life out and that probably means I out everything on hold. It's not you. It's where I am in my life at the moment. I will sort myself out and get myself moving again but that will happen in my own time. Once I am sorted I can see what lies ahead. At this moment in time I can't. Hope you understand.

It's over isn't it? I feel so sad. My anxiety is through the roof. Finding it hard to eat, sleep is all over the place . Keep crying.. Keep checking to see if he's taken me off Facebook. Feel like I am going mad. I had started to trust him and open up to him. He was always in contact . Always reassured me. Once he calmed down I felt really calm and content with him. I don't understand why he has done this.

Tried to ring him yesterday and he didn't answer. No reply to messages now either. The last text I laid it on the line how I felt. That I would be here when he felt better about things. That I wanted to be with him and I cared about him and had feelings for him and I didn't want to throw the towel in. Stressed this was a bump in the road he would get over. That we had lots to look forward to. He never even answered. I am absolutely gutted. sad

TakeThatFuckingDressOffNow Tue 07-Nov-17 10:06:18

I’m so sorry to hear this. I can immagine how you feel and it’s horrid, no two ways about it.

Trust me, how you feel won’t last, you will feel better. At the moment you are clinging to some hope, desperate to think of excuses for him.

He couldn’t be clearer - he does not want to be with you. There’s also a good chance he was doing some future faking.

My suggestion is to no contact and keep as busy as possible. You wil then get some clarity and see things as they are and be able to move on.

You will be fine in the end -BUT don’t go back there it will be a mistake. Busy, busy, busy especially keeping your mind from mooning over him.

flowers flowers flowers

TrojansAreSmegheads Tue 07-Nov-17 10:09:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 10:15:53

Looked all over his social media both Facebook and Twitter and he has about 3 women on each and they are all family members. Everyone else on there is from the shared hobby we have . Other people who take part in it. Hundreds of them. I have looked. I looked when we first got talking and he asked me out and it's still the same now. As I say he hasn't taken me off Facebook. I am literally baffled. Seriously baffled. I had a lot of my soon to be exh family on mine and in the beginning I asked him not to tag me in anything . I have since removed them all and he was the one checking us in at places and posted a photo of us after one of our dates saying how happy he was and what a great night he'd had. He was the one saying he wanted the whole world to know about us and he wanted to be able to post things about us on his Facebook. That's what makes this all the more odd. Not had a row or anything either. Just baffled. So confused

ravenmum Tue 07-Nov-17 10:18:43

You don't sound like you are ready for dating yet. This level of hurt after 11 weeks of cautious approach and no sex? Are you sure you are definitely sad about him, and not (at least to some extent) the end of your marriage, which is after all still ongoing?

Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 10:24:03

He said last week that he thought my husband would have been moved out by now and as it was dragging on a bit he wondered if it would actually happen.

One thing which struck me was his ex was a married woman going through a separation and it went on them seeing each other for 3/4 years until in the end she said she was sorting her marriage out and he had his heart broken . He said he was pulling the emotional shutters down not because he doesn't have feelings but because he didn't want to get hurt again. I totally understand that. Husband moved out on Friday as it happens. I could sense I was going to lose him and the marriage is over as we both agreed so I told husband he really had to go as he was prolonging the pain for all of us. Told new man what had happened and he said why have I done that. He can't believe I had and that it didn't mean he was going to enter full steam into a full on relationship with me. Two weeks before he told me he loved me for the first time and he was falling for me. Now since he has said all this about space the job thing and sorting his life out. I literally feel in shock

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes Tue 07-Nov-17 10:25:29

That sounds horrible OP hope you are ok sad flowers Things like that are so baffling how a man can be so full on one moment and disappear the next. Could be he genuinely is completely thrown by the losing his job thing and is just retreating into himself to try deal with that. Men can have a habit of going into their cave to deal with problems which doesn't help when you're the one shut out. Hard as it is believe me I know, would give him some space for now and possibly when he gets his head straight he will be back. More difficult to do than say I understand. Big hugs flowers

BitOutOfPractice Tue 07-Nov-17 10:27:21

Yes it's over. Sorry

In fairness to him he's asked you to give him space / leave him alone so you have to respect that and stop texting him. Besides being fair to him, he won't reply and that will hurt you more

You have to go no contact and that includes blocking him on FB. Again, I know that's hard but it'll save your sanity. Trust me.

It will get better, just give yourself a bit of time

CaledonianQueen Tue 07-Nov-17 10:28:01

This screams of red flags to me, I also think the start of the relationship seemed to be love bombing and a good deal of future faking! This man could potentially be controlling if not abusive, he has certainly created a dynamic where you 'need' him and he has power over you! The social media games scream of mind games/ gas lighting.

I think you need to take a step back and just disengage from this man. I get the feeling that you are playing right into his hands otherwise. I could be wrong, however either way, stepping back and disengaging from this man, regardless of the reasons why, is the sensible thing to do. He is obviously not in the right place for a relationship. Tbh until your ex has moved out, you are not really in the right place yourself!

Is your ex controlling or abusive? Or have you been in controlling or abusive relationships in the past? If you have, I would book yourself onto the freedom program via woman's aid.

reachforthestarseveryday Tue 07-Nov-17 10:31:21

You don't sound like you are ready for dating yet. This level of hurt after 11 weeks of cautious approach and no sex? Are you sure you are definitely sad about him, and not (at least to some extent) the end of your marriage, which is after all still ongoing?

This ^^

Seems a really OTT and disproportionate reaction for such a short relationship. Block him, OP, and move on. Stop checking his FB, for heaven's sake.

Mind you, he sounds a bit shit too. Says he doesn't like your ex living with you, says he loves you. Your ex moves out, new man panics and gets shitty. Giving you mixed messages. I reckon you're well rid of him.


Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 10:41:57

Yes marriage in the past had been abusive so I know this has basically opened an old wound and acted like a trigger in a way. He seemed lovely , I didn't jump into bed as didn't want to be used so all seemed to be going well. When I said to new man about not seeing his I could and missing him he always reassured me he wasn't going anywhere . Times he would say off his own back he missed me too etc so wasn't all one sided. We were pretty much both the same. It was him who rung me once and we literally went through a calendar to Christmas as fixed our dates to meet. He lives about 70 miles away .again so far so good. Then suddenly last week he says it's only been 10 weeks. We don't see each other enough. I pointed out it was he who had been the full on one. Saying he wasn't single and was with me a week after our first date is one such example. And he agreed he had been.That way. It was as though he was trying to find all the reasons it wouldn't work. I said outright I felt he was ending things and I didn't want that. He told me to relax and chill that he wasn't. It was nothing I had done. To stop worrying and he was sure I thought he was going to walk out and text me to say it was over but he wasn't going to do that. Stressed he wasn't a coward and wouldn't do that to someone as he wouldn't want It done to him. If he was breaking up with me / calling things off he would do it to my face in person. Again that's what leaves me feeling absolutely utterly baffled and trying to think it's literally just space he needs. I have stressed I don't care what car he drives, how much money he has or what job he does. It's him I have feelings for.

I know I am going on. Need to get this out .

StormTreader Tue 07-Nov-17 10:44:04

Sounds like he liked the security of knowing that things werent going to get "serious" because your ex was still living with you, being a buffer.

Now your ex has moved out, and hes panicked that you suddenly have no barriers to stop him staying over and being in a real relationship.

Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 10:55:05

I did wonder this .Last week when we talked I said to him I wondered if that's why he had started something with someone going through a separation. He said no that of course he wanted a proper relationship with someone he could go out openly with and make plans with . Kept saying for me to out myself in his shoes. How did he know I wasn't still sleeping with husband or wasn't stringing him along . I went home and thought on it a lot. As I say I realised at that point I had feelings for him. My marriage needed sorting properly once and for all as we both agree it's over. And that I wouldn't like it one bit if I was seeing someone who Still lived with their wife. That's why I took action. New man simply said he was shocked and didn't know what to say. Now going back a month or so new man was asking lots when ex would be moving out. I pointed that out . If he had gone a month ago he would have been straight in head first to being with me and seeing me more. So what's suddenly changed. Been careful not to talk about my finances etc so that new man doesn't think I have ditched husband and want to be with him for financial reasons. He doesn't own property or anything so not like I am on the take

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 07-Nov-17 10:55:09

He was always in contact . Always reassured me.

Please be really careful with this. It’s a hell of a burden to place on someone and it’s always going to end up with you feeling insecure and unhappy or them feeling burdened, eventually.

I’m sorry this has ended. It reads as if you’ve hysterically bonded to him to cope with your marriage breakdown, too, and that must be confusing and painful. Take some time to sort that out and you’ll be happier next time. The failing of this wasn’t your fault but it was never healthy in the first place flowers

ravenmum Tue 07-Nov-17 10:56:59

It may well be not about you; if I'd just lost my job I'd be feeling pretty miserable too, and someone I didn't know that well telling me that it didn't matter to them would not really cheer me up. A few weeks ago you were telling him to cool it off, now you're declaring that he's the one for you, when you were still living with your husband until this week. He might be counting the red flags too.

Whether he's being honest with you or not, though, you really need to look into yourself and think about whether you should be in a relationship at all right now. Your extreme reaction should be a red flag to you, too: a sign that perhaps what you want is confirmation that you are a lovable person, rather than a partner?

TammyswansonTwo Tue 07-Nov-17 10:58:12

Sounds to me like he's really struggling with depression - some men react really badly to losing their job and being out of work. I wouldn't necessarily say it's insurmountable once he's in a better place but I would seriously recommend deleting his contact details, and getting on with your life. Maybe one day he will come round but I'm sorry to say that also may not happen and you can't hang around waiting for him.

PastaOfMuppets Tue 07-Nov-17 11:06:39

I agree with @Tammy - my major thought reading this was that he sounds depressed, and that he wants to move on from you.

However, I also agree with other PPs that his initial love bombing was a red flag and not a good sign for a healthy ongoing relationship.

OP, I think you need to move on. He belongs in the too-hard basket and continued attempts to get him to want you are debasing yourself.

Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 11:30:29

Yes I thought he sounded depressed so that's made me worry about him. I never cooled it off with him as in not talking to him replying to him or avoiding / ignoring him. I actually said I liked the attention but if we were going to have aa proper relationship (he said he wanted that) that we should spend time together and get to know each other. So when I say cooled things I never stopped talking to him.

Maybe it is the hope I am crying for. The loss of how he made me feel. Being honest I just want to go to him and reach out to him but obviously can't as he's asked for space and also because I will just make a fool our of myself. Maybe he has bigger problems of his own. Someone who's that into you after one date then drops you overnight without warning maybe isn't quite the full ticket

Josuk Tue 07-Nov-17 12:32:15

OP - first thing that came to mind as I was reading it is that he is getting depressed and withdrawing from life, people, etc.
I don’t think it’s you.

Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 12:51:03

Hes unfollowed me on Twitter but still kept me on Facebook. I haven't posted anything at all on either social media. And he's still posting bits and pieces and popping on and off line all about the shared hobby we take part in. That's a huge part of his life

Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 12:53:29

I miss talking to him. Miss the things he used to say to me. The things we planned to do in the coming weeks / months. I feel so sad

TangledSlinky Tue 07-Nov-17 14:37:54

When I was made redundant I totally lost the plot, drinking more and generally being reckless. I totally lost my purpose and ended up withdrawing from those closest to me as I knew they'd see through the act I was putting on. I was utterly miserable and needed to be by myself to build myself back up again. It passed as quickly as it began, but it was the darkest couple of months. In his shoes I too would have withdrawn as there was no way I could have handled the stress of a complicated relationship on top of everything else at that point in time.

Rejectedwoman Tue 07-Nov-17 14:52:32

Do people think he has genuinely withdrawn cos of the job thing. He is still doing this hobby of ours and still active online posting / talking about things related to that? Do I need to stay silent and show him I can actually be the calm in the storm and not being him added stress.

Or is this a convenient excuse to bin me. Last week when I asked if He wanted to put things on hold until he was sorted he got defensive and said no. That it would have been the perfect get out but he doesn't want that he just needs time and space.

My head and my heart are hurting so much

BitOutOfPractice Tue 07-Nov-17 14:57:40

Do people think he has genuinely withdrawn cos of the job thing

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? The fact is, he has withdrawn. I know the reason seems important to you now while you pick over everything minutely, but whatever the reason, the outcome is the same.

Do I need to stay silent

Yes. I think every single person on this thread has said you need to go NC. For your own sanity

heartnothead Tue 07-Nov-17 15:32:19

Come and join us on the NC thread

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: