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Crap at dating at 40

(20 Posts)
Datinghell Tue 07-Nov-17 09:11:35

Righto, I feel useless at dating and seem to keep getting in a mess. I got divorced five years ago and started doing online dating this year as I was getting bored of life only revolving around my children and I miss male company (and sex).

I've had dates where the man in question was married and I've ended it there. I had a short relationship with someone who turned out to be a cosanova who ended it by ignoring me. Others seem to want to immediately send nude pics/sext which I'd never do unless in a committed relationship where I trusted someone.

It's dented my confidence a little. My problem seems to be that I get too emotionally involved too quickly, I need to step back and see it as dating/sex and not expect a relationship to automatically happen. I'm not sure how much to chase a man/ how much to stand back nowadays. I've been having messages for a few days off a man I really like (fancy😜)who says he'd like to meet up soon. I said I'd like that and he has continued to message me lots every day but hasn't actively sorted a date. I don't want a pen pal, I want to go out, have fun, kiss. What is the norm in these situations? Ask the man out yourself or just chat for weeks in the hope he'll ask to see you? I wish some of these men would get a rocket up their arse and act a bit more manly.

AntiGrinch Tue 07-Nov-17 09:19:16

Hi, Datinghell. It's not you. It happens to everyone! Come and join us on the dating thread. It's on relationships and there are lots of us discussing all these things. some people are getting lucky though!

Datinghell Tue 07-Nov-17 09:23:46

Ooh I'll do that, thanks

ALittleBitConfused1 Tue 07-Nov-17 09:48:41

Old is tricky, it's completely different to how dating used to be, but also the same in so many ways.
I learnt a few things very quickly. The first being that not everyone is genuine, just because you are, doesn't mean everyone else has the same intention to be truthful and find a committed relationship, regardless of what they say so don't be so trusting. I'm not saying that you should think all men are lying all the time, all im saying is take things at face value until you know otherwise.
Try not to ger over invested until you actually start to meet. People can pretend to be anything they want, this mask is hard to keep on for long periods of time. So until you've met a few times try to let your head rule your heart, easier said than done I know. On the same note I've had experience of talking/ texting people for weeks and when you meet there's no spark. Try to remember that until you meet you can't really fancy anyone, this saves a lot of energy building something up in your head that just may not be there. This is also why i also always tried to arrange a first date within a week or so, minimises the emotional investment/disappointment. There are lots of men who would happily sext etc knowing they have no intention of meeting for anything other than casual sex. A bit of flirty banter is cool but if they are getting full on before they have even suggested a firm date this is a no no, so have your boundaries of acceptable and if they cross it leave it there.
Try to just look at it as a fun experience rather than a way to find a relationship, that way it will be easier to manage your expectations realisticly. Obviously old can work but sometimes it doesn't and adopting that attitude will help you see things more clearly.
Finally have fun, and as with any kind of dating play it safe. Arseholes will give you clues they are an arsehole without even knowing, I old dated and picked up a few pointers along the way:
No photos usually means married
No description In the about me section is not a good sign. If they can't be bothered to explain a bit about themselves/ their life how serious are they.
I would avoid men that in all their photos are out with mates, describe them selves as nice honest blokes. Men who feel the need to state this are usually the opposite lol (might sounds negative but it's true).

GottadoitGottadoit Tue 07-Nov-17 11:12:47

You can not possibly know you fancy him if you haven't met him. You just fancy a fantasy of him.

Datinghell Tue 07-Nov-17 11:57:01

So if a man has said he'd like to meet up and is still initiating contact several times a day but hasn't organised it, do I ask him if he'd like to meet for a drink or wait for him? I don't want to waste time on him if he is only ever planning to message me rather than meet up, I've been burnt like this before.

ALittleBitConfused1 Tue 07-Nov-17 12:47:28

I don't see any reason why you can't take control of the situation.
There's no reason why once someone suggests meeting up you can't say yeah that would be nice are you free next weekend for example. Things don't always have to be on someone else's terms.

LesisMiserable Tue 07-Nov-17 12:55:55

Definitely suggest it. With the intention that if he doesnt turn up/backs out before hand, then you're going to immediately cut contact. (Goes without saying I hope, that you dont share this with him, you just do it, without ceremony and move on). I'd been talking to dh for a month before I basically made it so we met. I was at a training course near his home so I suggested it. If I hadn't I dont think we would ever have met and he admits the same. He loved chatting to me, but going the next step felt big to him in terms of effort and expectation. I think that's the same for a lot of people, both men and women. Anyway together three years, married three months now. Sort your date out and don't forget YOU ARE DATING EACH OTHER, not signing a will together. Keep chill smile

LesisMiserable Tue 07-Nov-17 12:56:48

Should also mention started dating at 43, he was 37. Dating in your 40's is ace fun!!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 07-Nov-17 14:39:31

What is the norm in these situations? Ask the man out yourself or just chat for weeks in the hope he'll ask to see you?

I have a cut the crap attitude to dating and tend to be pretty up front about what I want, so I put on my OLD profile that I'm not after a pen pal and expect to meet ASAP after initial contact. My MO is to swap a few emails to see if we have anything in common and see if it's worth meeting, then arrange a date ASAP. What I don't do is texting/sexting/adding on Facebook etc, and certainly not before going on a date. There are so many men on there who just seem to get off on the ego massage of chatting to interested women, and I can't be arsed with that. I think you have to be proactive and say "Are you interested in meeting me?" then "OK, let's arrange a date. When are you free?" If they postpone then stop contact until they've arranged another date, or bin them. Don't wait for them, it's a waste of your time if they turn out to be unavailable or fantasists. And my top tip is never spend time building up a image of what they're like, or fantasising in any way, as there is no way to tell if there's chemistry until you meet.

When you do start dating someone I'd strongly suggest not letting your mind wander further than the next date. I know it sounds horribly cynical, but always remind yourself that it's possible they could be love bombing, or future faking, or full of shit, or already have a partner, or a fantastic conman, and protect your heart.

Datinghell Tue 07-Nov-17 15:09:26

What's the best way to steer the conversation so that I can suggest meeting up/allow him to suggest meeting up again or should I just come out with it?

Smeaton Tue 07-Nov-17 15:15:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Datinghell Tue 07-Nov-17 15:50:21

Smeaton, Love it. If only I had the confidence.

Smeaton Tue 07-Nov-17 15:56:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntiGrinch Tue 07-Nov-17 16:08:26

for some reason, although I never asked a man out in my life, in real life, when I was single, long ago back in the 90s and noughties..... for some reason, whether because it's OLD or because it's 2017 or because I'm 46, I have absolutely no qualms whatsoever about throwing all that man-asks-woman crap out the window.

(Thinking about it, the guys who did ask me out in real life back then would all have been put off by me asking them first... and they were all at least a bit controlling, some very)

ALittleBitConfused1 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:55:17

Smeaton is right, when making a decision I always think what have I got to loose/risk against what have i got to gain.
In this case you have nothing to loose, the worst you will get is a tad of embarrassment v a really fun night out, go for it, own the situation.
If he says no, stumbles over an answer or takes longer than a day to come up with a possible available date don't bother. Why should women even wonder if they can/should ask a bloke out. We have careers, bring up kids, manage a social life, find time to date, take charge of our own lives, have opinions and needs just like men, why on earth should you wait to ask for him to suggest a date. If he's not interested In doing that then asking that has saved you wasted time anyway.

LesisMiserable Tue 07-Nov-17 17:23:16

"Are we meeting up at weekend or what? I'm ready for a night out!!"


WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 07-Nov-17 19:07:54

Dating it helps not to have all your eggs in 1 basket with OLD, so if you ask one man to meet up and he stalls, blocks you or says no, your confidence isn't as bruised hopefully as you can just keep chatting to the others. Besides, if you've already been chatting then he's already showing interest isnt he.

Costaricachica Tue 07-Nov-17 19:53:49

Hi Dating - your reservations sound very similar to mine! Although you're at least being proactive and giving OLD a go. I've decided I'm just not ready/ too scared to put myself out there after getting massively let down by the last man I dated (first one after leaving a LTR). I'd met him through friends. Don't think I actually want a man at the moment, just to stop thinking about the last one!

Completely agree with PPs about not wasting too much time on endless pre date certainly drew me in to a fantasy.

Good luck! I'll keep reading in case I can pick up any tips! X

Sancerresanwine Tue 07-Nov-17 20:59:41

Best of luck!plenty of fun to be had out there in your 40s. Enjoy!!

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