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Divorcing H but also having an EA

(154 Posts)
niteandfog Tue 07-Nov-17 05:31:29

Name was changes but some of you might remember me from a holiday from hell with friends and an emotionally abusive husband (he's against I take any medication for my condition, very close to my BF, usually puts obstacles around me getting new friends). Well, yesterday I made the decision to divorce him.

It was not the abuse itself (although yes he's not the best and he'd rather make a point than stop me from going into a MH back hole). But rather that we genuinely have nothing in common apart from raising our daughter. We for married because I got pregnant, but I already wanted out when this happened, so I don't think I ever had the best chances for a good marriage, but I tried for 7+ years. Well that's decided I'm telling him after Christmas.

What made me change my mind? Here's where the EA kicks in. No, I'm not leaving my H to be with OM. But I saw my reflection in his depression and realised there was no way I wanted that for me, being so depressed can't be good for raising a healthy family.

For better or for worse I am indeed falling in love with the OM and he is as well. We are way more compatible that I ever was with my H and he seems to be trapped in a similar story to mine. We chat in the evenings and spend all day texting. We do meet at least once a week and we've kissed once.

Oddly enough our relationship started more as a "sexy" thing but it has moved to a more mellow relationship ever since we discovered that we were compatible and we longed for similar things. We've even had a few "I love yous". Which the objective me say they're not real, but eve if I can call that love I can definitely recognize that we're both falling in love. Oh and he's married and has two children.

I know the advice is to stop seeing the OM, get my ducks in a row, divorce and then figure out if I can work it out with the OM. But his friendship will surely keep me afloat for what's ahead of me.

I know it sounds beyond clichéd but I do feel I could have a future with OM (even my sister agrees!) but I know the odds aren't in our favour.

jeaux90 Tue 07-Nov-17 05:53:11

OP the most important things is your mental health, moving on from your marriage and learning to co-parent with your stbxh

My advice is to get that sorted first. Obviously don't move in with the OM as you have a kid to worry about. Take some time out and then you and the OM can perhaps move forward together once the dust has settled if it's what you both still want.

Don't jump ship. Take some time. Honestly you'll be doing all of you a favour. 6 months is nothing. I'm not saying don't see him just give yourself some breathing space, get to a good place first.

Olikingcharles Tue 07-Nov-17 05:55:32

Please be careful you don't get to caught up in the emotions with the OM. I too thought the OM loved me but it wasn't to be. I have been such a fool. Was completely taken in as you say you are both in similar circumstances and appear to want the same things. I too thought the same with my OM. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. I feel so stupid....I do hope things prove different for you. Please be sure what you are doing in terms of divorcing your husband and don't rely on the OM to be there for you. Go it alone for a while and see what happens. Good luck.

RainyApril Tue 07-Nov-17 06:04:34

I think you've given yourself excellent advice and know exactly what to do op : stop seeing om, get your ducks in a row, separate and then see whether there is anything real with om.

This will allow you to concentrate on what's important without distraction, ensure you separate honourably without your dh being able to take the moral high ground when he finds out about the affair, and test the intentions of om.

I know you won't believe it or want to hear it, but there are men out there who prey on vulnerable women and your om currently sounds like a perfect candidate. I Love Yous at this stage is crazy. Tell him you're cooling it while you focus on the separation. If it's love, he'll be happy to wait.

SandyY2K Tue 07-Nov-17 06:49:07

Your decision to divorce is fine and right..... but don't be involved with another woman's husband. That's only going to cause hurt and add to the problems in your life.

TashaRomanoff Tue 07-Nov-17 07:14:15

angry why have an affair with another woman's husband. If you're unhappy get out of the marriage, if the OM is unhappy he should get out of his marriage WITHOUT having an affair. Your actions are awful.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Tue 07-Nov-17 07:18:33

This man’s wife must have done something terrible to you to make you treat her with such contempt hmm

Iris65 Tue 07-Nov-17 07:21:39

Your actions are awful.

The OP has told us that she is in an emotionally abusive relationship and thinking about divorcing. She is vulnerable and in pain.

Keep your judgements to yourself.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Tue 07-Nov-17 07:22:59

So it’s fine for her to shit all over someone else? I’ll judge all I like thanks.

niteandfog Tue 07-Nov-17 07:28:33

I'm not even remotely proud of the "affair" side of it. I don't think either of us are tbh. We haven't even talked about it.

Ellisandra Tue 07-Nov-17 07:34:01

Well, I think it's disingenuous to call this an "affair" with invented commas and an "EA".
You talk to him all the time, you have kissed him (once, twice, one hundred times - sex or not, you have crossed a line and you know it) and you tell each other you're in love.

That's an affair, that is cheating.

If I were his wife then fuck off would I be saying it was an "affair".

Great step forward that you're leaving your husband. So put the man you're cheating with, and who is cheating on his partner on ice and use the time saves seeking good sources of support and getting ready to leave.

niteandfog Tue 07-Nov-17 07:48:32

I am very aware if either our spouses saw our messages they would be heartbroken. I like to think that more than lust (although clearly some of it is involved) is more about making a connection. For whatever reasons we both settled. We also both think meeting each other was a life changing event.

Whataboutmeee Tue 07-Nov-17 07:51:08

Is the OM your friend's husband?

niteandfog Tue 07-Nov-17 07:56:08

Whataboutmeee no he isn't. My H doesn't know him at all, but I do know his wife. We're not friends but we're friendly.

Cricrichan Tue 07-Nov-17 08:11:09

Because you're in a relationship, you're only really exposed to men who are willing to cheat or take advantage of a vulnerable woman.

Stop everything with OM. Tell your dh that you want a divorce and once you've split up, are living separately, everything (finance, custody) is arranged and everyone is happy with everything, then you can be open to another relationship. If it's with the OM then only as long as he has split up with his wife.

You've got the chance here to split up nicely. You've already crossed the line though. Don't make everything worse.

jeaux90 Tue 07-Nov-17 08:12:05

OP sometimes finding some solace in someone else when you are in an abusive situation gives you the motivation to leave. I won't criticise you for that but try not to muddle everything up right now.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Tue 07-Nov-17 08:18:00

Because you're in a relationship, you're only really INTERESTING to men who are willing to cheat or take advantage of a vulnerable woman.

SandyY2K Tue 07-Nov-17 09:04:04

I can tell you that going down the affair path will end in untold misery for you. You are falling for him ... you are leaving your marriage and will see yourself as a free agent ... most MM who initially have affairs with MW... don't like it when you suddenly become available ... It creates an imbalance.

He's not being abused and is in no rush to leave his marriage... It will likely cost him a lot.

You're escaping an abusive relarionship.... don't put yourself in the position of further hurt and damage to your self esteem.

I've seen so many divorcing women (craving love andvto be desired) end up needing therapy after the devastation of an affair.

Whataboutmeee Tue 07-Nov-17 09:06:43

Are you the poster whose husband is over friendly with your best friend and you all went on holiday and you are all hung up on how attractive each other is?

WitchesHatRim Tue 07-Nov-17 09:09:47

My H doesn't know him at all, but I do know his wife. We're not friends but we're friendly.

So you want to help split up their family.

Oh and he's married and has two children.

You say that like it's some sort of after thought.

Affairs are selfish and cause great upset.

Concentrate on your divorce and then find someone who isn't married.

yetmorecrap Tue 07-Nov-17 09:13:53

Be aware OP, men can tell you anything they think you want to hear if they think you are vulnerable . Do you actually know his marriage is dead in the water , apart from what he tells you. Cool it, leave and get some space, if it is to be, then it will happen anyway.

niteandfog Tue 07-Nov-17 10:27:07

No I don't know the real state of his marriage. I can make an educated guess from their FB accounts and his story makes sense, the time-line not so much, but I could be missing something.

He had no idea I was vulnerable before we met. If he wanted just sex and nothing else, that would have already happened. But that's one key thing to our affair it went from sexting to “you gave me the gift of recovering my voice and my identity, for that I'll be able to thank you enough". I don't think that's standard in an affair.

SandyY2K Tue 07-Nov-17 10:48:32

you gave me the gift of recovering my voice and my identity, for that I'll be able to thank you enough". I don't think that's standard in an affair.

I've heard that plenty times from countless OW....

It's not always about sex to begin with.

I'll PM you a link to an OW support forum.... I'm sure if you post your story many of them will say pretty much the same. Or just have a read to see the pain they are in and decide if it's worth it.

I'm a stranger online. I've nothing to gain or lose.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 07-Nov-17 11:07:51

But that's one key thing to our affair it went from sexting to “you gave me the gift of recovering my voice and my identity, for that I'll be able to thank you enough".

Cliche central

I don't think that's standard in an affair.

Yes it is. You are being extremely naive.

niteandfog Tue 07-Nov-17 11:13:19

Now you're making me doubt myself (which I guess is the point of these threads). I remember when we kissed I got the hunch he was a serial cheater, so maybe , that's who he really is?

What do they get out of romancing? originally I just wanted some fun on the side...

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