Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Living with someone who constantly whinges and moans(57 Posts)
My DH is the most miserable git at home (to everyone else he's the life and soul of the party). From the minute he walks in from work he is on at the DC or me about one thing or another (insignificant things). He can't just have a bit of a tidy up without it turning into world war three. We can't have a meal together as a family without an atmosphere at the table. We never go anywhere as a whole family - I take the DC on trips without him because I can't get him to go anywhere. He wants to go abroad on holiday, something we haven't done for around 10 years, but I can't face the thought of having to spend so much time around him so I keep avoiding the subject and making excuses.
To put it simply, he sucks the joy out of everything.
We're ignoring each other this evening because, after cooking dinner, sorting washing, overseeing homework, all while he watched TV, he had a moan at me because he had to clear the kitchen table which apparently was full of my stuff (2 things - the rest belonged to the DC and him!).
I spend as much time as I possibly can away from him because the constant moaning gets me down and I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Does anyone else have or had a partner like this and how do/did you cope?
My ex was like this all the time. I used to have a ball of stress in the pit of my stomach when he was around, he would spoil everything we ever did - for no apparent reason causing the dc to be constantly on edge and trying to please (and me too). Our kids are lovely, they're not even challenging - he would pick on me and them all the time and usually just as I started to relax and think we might just have a nice day together something would set him off. It's a fucking horrible way to live.
I split up with him in February this year. Now me and my dc are free to be ourselves and enjoy our lives - the dc get on my nerves at times of course and i get cross with them but it's different now - it's like we all could just breathe again.
Anyway sorry if that's not helpful but I honestly couldn't live like that any longer and I reckon my dc would have had some serious self esteem issues in later life because of it. They still might and that is a worry for me but I can't change that now.
I don't think my little fun sponge was quite so bad as this, he had his moments but the days without speaking broke it up a bit. Never seemed to enjoy anything, permanent depression swinging between apathy and anger. I divorced him for a number of reasons.
To be fair, he was better on holiday and I'd encourage you to go. Try a package where responsibility for all running smoothly rests with the travel company. I also tried to get him to do things that he would enjoy, to help lift his mood, and this was did help.
Aperol, that sounds exactly like us. Constantly walking on eggshells, nothing the DC do is ever good enough or they do it all wrong.
My youngest is 12 and at the back of my mind when he leaves home I will too. The worst thing is the youngest is starting to become grumpy like his father which I'm hoping is just hormones.
I used to have a fun sponge too - it still surprises me when my BF looks at me and smiles!
What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is he still meeting?.
Why are you with this joy sucker still?. BTW as well many abusive people are very plausible to those in the outside world but probably one or two have their own private suspicions re your H.
What do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you? Is this what you want to teach your children about relationships, you are showing them that currently at least this is acceptable to you on some level. Would you want them to have a relationship like yours is as adults, likely not.
Love 'fun sponge'!
My ex became a fun sponge when he was looking for reasons to make it my fault he was having an affair.
Is this sponginess new or has he always been 'absorbent'?
Tell him what you’ve said here.
“I spend as much time as I possibly can away from you because the constant moaning gets me down and I don't know how much longer I can take it.”
"My youngest is 12 and at the back of my mind when he leaves home I will too".
Why wait that long?. At 12 he is unlikely to leave at least for another six years and may not decide to go off to uni at 18. Their formative years are extremely important and for you to pull the rug out from under him at 18 will just further damage him. Your own relationship with him could well be damaged because he may view you as putting his dad before him. Pull the plug now on this, staying with this man any longer just gives him more opportunity to abuse you all further by dominating your lives at home
"The worst thing is the youngest is starting to become grumpy like his father which I'm hoping is just hormones"
No, its not hormones alone. Do not bury your head in the sand here. It is learnt behaviour; he is simply copying what his father and you are teaching these children about relationships. Both of you between you are teaching these young people that yes a loveless marriage with abuse is their norm too.
Not quite the same but I work with a "fun sponge", I can feel the life being sucked out of me every morning, I open the door with a smile on my face and it quickly goes, her kids can't do right for doing wrong, her husband (poor soul) is a hard working man but gets no peace from it all. I had honestly never met anyone who revels in misery but she does. It must be terribly hard work always looking for some imaginary thing to moan about!!
I had one, recently separated. I realised I wasn't happy and didn't want to be unhappy for a moment longer!
FWIW we had 6 holidays in 2 years and he was great on holiday!
It’s learnt behaviour from your 12 year old. Why on earth are you still living with this horrible man?
I had one of these. A real miserable arsehole. Dumped him and got rid of all that negativity!! Thank fuck!
Why on earth do you think it's better to live like this as a family than splitting up? Who precisely is it benefitting?
So, those of you who've left "fun sponges", did you speak to them about it? Did they try to change? Or was it so much a part of their personality that it was impossible for them to change?
Sorry for the questions, I'm trying to grasp on to any tiny little bit of hope. I'm worried that if I start the conversation and mention the effect it's having on our DC that he'll go into denial and turn it around so that it's all my fault.
What was he like in your first year or so together? Why did you like him,
I can be grumpy. But then I've got a chronic illness, and suffered alot of loss as a result, and am in quite a bit of pain much of the time. I didn't realise how sad I was really until the other day (started crying). But I would hate to think I was a joy-sucker or this impacted on my older children in the way you describe. If it did I would honestly rather live alone, for everybody's sake
and often fantastise about this .
There is nothing to be lost by asking him outright if he thinks there are some fundamental reasons why he is so grumpy and difficult. I would definitely try to avoid having an argument about this - just ask him and leave him for a week or two to reflect. Its unlikely he would be able to come up with any thoughtful response there-and-then
What happens after that in terms of either insight or changes would determine whether I exited said relationship or not. btw, it sounds horrible on your children too.
I suppose you could go on a make or break holiday !
Seriously though, life is too short to be ground down, by this bossy, misery guts. Life sounds pretty joyless. I had one of these, by the time I'd lifted him out of his well of misery, I felt like jumping in there myself.
Life is too short to settle for this, however, if he truly tried to alter his ways, would you still want to be with him ?
I left mine. I used to dread the key in the lock. Would do a mental check of the house - what lights had I left on, mustn’t have friends here when he got home, make sure my mother wasn’t here, or had her car parked on our drive.
I just woke up one day and said enough. The kids changed their demeanour the minute he came home.
He turned into a great father when we split. Perhaps part time suited him better.
I definitely blossomed when the joy was allowed to stay in my life.
This reminds me of my stepfather. I call him the 'dementor' as he sucks joy out of everything like the dementors do in Harry Potter.
It made my childhood a bit of a nightmare, I couldn't wait to move out at 18 and since then I try not to stay at my parents for more than 2-3 days and with a 3 or 4 month break (I live 200 miles away).
It's a shame because I'm very close to my Mum and love her dearly. I'm sad that she won't get to have the close bond with my DC when I have them that she otherwise would have because of it.
This won't get better over time...can you live like this for the rest of your life?
Yes, we spoke about it; he put it down to permanent depression and ASD and a reason why he should be given his own way in everything and the rest of us should be on eggshells. I am unconvinced that he has either of these conditions but he eventually contacted a doctor when the marriage broke down and was given citalopram as a temporary measure. We saw Relate too, nothing much changed.
He did make an effort to be nice to me when he knew I wanted to leave, but it felt very false.
My ex husband was like this.
Life is tough sometimes, but I am happy every day to not have that dragging me down all the time.
I knew every time we went out for the day that there'd be some problems, from too many people, not enough parking, some clouds, dogs, children, a breeze, no breeze, not enough sun, too sunny, too hot, too cold. etc etc etc
Our house was always a mess and always my fault. The moment he left to stay elsewhere once I told him it was over, the house miraculously became tidy.
I wasted years not getting away sooner.
My DH can be a bit like that, though perhaps not as bad. I read him the riot act a couple of years ago and said I didn't want to spend my life walking on eggshells and having all the happiness sucked from me. He was quite surprised and I dont think realised the affect his behaviour had on me. He has improved a lot to be fair. Some of it is learned from his family - for some of them moaning is their main form of conversation.
Yes got one of these though he's been on anti depressants a year now and much better.
Holidays we really enjoy though sometimes he moans the first three days as he's "adjusting" .
We used to go on all inclusive holidays with lots of activities on site so he can moan to himself whilst we go swimming, waterpark etc. Also get a bedroom he can shut himself and his moaning in. Last two holidays took a risk and went on more adventurous holidays seeing animals in the wild etc and he was fine on those, didn't even need his adjustment period.
I have to admit to dreaming about leaving sometimes but he is good at cooking, shopping etc and the benefits probably outweigh the disadvantages but its very close at times.
I think I married to his brother lol. He isn't speaking to me and slept on the sofa because (now don't judge me for this horrible crime) I told him he was being rude. I do ariel hoop and came back from class and told him we hade been invited out to cabaret night. he asked what that was and I said they do acts, dances and then get the audience involved and get them dancing. He turned to me with a look of venom on his face and said "you can go to f**k if you think im dancing". I said you don't have to be so rude you can just say you don't want to go. hence 20 mins of poison coming from his mouth and him giving me the silent treatment and sleeping on the sofa. cant wait to go home. feel your pain I really really do.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.