Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

affair, yo-yoing partner, trial seperation, is this the end?

(29 Posts)
qwertyuiop17 Mon 06-Nov-17 19:57:42

hi, just looking for some words of wisdom really. Found out my wife has been having an affair back in September, but it had barely got going, only had sex a few times. For the next few weeks wife was finding it impossible to decide what to do, and went to see him a few more times. She then tried to make it work with me for a few weeks, but ended up seeing him again and then telling me it was over between me and her. The first time she said this, within an hour she was crying saying she couldn't go through with it (the leaving), so we were back in limbo. This happened again about 2 weeks later, she saying she was leaving and then by the evening changing her mind. This limbo led me to suggest that we trial separate but in our house. (We have 2 small kids 6 and 3 so don't want to let them know yet). As soon as I suggested it I realised that really all it would be is a way for her to phase her self out of the marriage. The trial was due to start today (Monday), so last night was our last night 'together' (perhaps stupidly we have been in the same bed the whole time, (but not having sex) because despite it all we still feel a lot for each other, and tell each other we love each other etc....) So Sunday night she again says "I can't do it.." (meaning leave me). So I wake up today thinking maybe there is a glimmer of hope.. as today is her 'night off' and I'm putting kids to bed she is free to do whatever. After last night I had hoped she might choose to stay in, but no, she's gone straight to him. Do I just need to accept that it's over? I don't want it to be and feel like we could work things out, but the way she's changing her mind is killing me, and each time it happens I feel like I can't go through it again. I should add that the reason she feels it happened is because even though we have had sex regularly through our marriage (been together since 18) she, for a long time hasn't really wanted to, or felt like it, but has done anyway. And I know there is some truth to it, and we should have talked about it a long time ago, but somehow we both just let it go on unchecked. On the other hand, she would say that she has been otherwise happy the whole time and we've had a great life together, get on so well, parent well together etc... I feel like there is so much worth fighting for, not least for the kids, but I know that ultimately she's free to go and free to do whatever she wants. Just don't know how to deal with this being the end I guess.

Desmondo2016 Mon 06-Nov-17 20:01:55

End it now. Tonight. She's taking you for a mug and you need to put your big boy pants on and show some self respect.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Mon 06-Nov-17 20:03:05

She’s calling the shots and it needs to stop. Tell her to leave and give you some space to decide what you want. She’s walking all over you!

Garlicansapphire Mon 06-Nov-17 20:08:49

She's not treating you fairly by chopping and changing all the time and she's now having her cake and eating it with your sanction.

I think you need to be stronger for yourself and to demand some respect from her. She needs to make a choice - stick with you and go for counselling to sort your issues out or leave for good. You are allowing her to walk all over you and that makes it easy for her to treat you like a doormat. Stand up for yourself, you deserve respect and to be treated right, she has betrayed you and should be on her knees begging forgiveness. Make it clear she has to work to have you - you're not the easy standby option if things don't work out with her new self indulgent fling.

She should understand the consequences of breaking up the marriage, the impact on you and importantly her children. She shouldn't throw it aaay or digger about it lightly - she is being a child not facing the risks and consequences of her actions.

qwertyuiop17 Mon 06-Nov-17 20:13:11

thanks for the replies. I guess we have kind of ended it really, if she's seeing him then it is over, but was thinking we could try and at least pretend for the sake of the boys until Christmas. Also, not really an option of her leaving as he lives with his wife and kids (but separating, apparently) and I'm a SAHD so no income, and we couldn't afford two places. We had agreed that if we did seperate/divorce I would get the house and buy out her share of the equity with a loan from parents (only about 10k so no point selling house).

dazedandconfuse Mon 06-Nov-17 20:16:10

I am so sorry this is all happening but you've got to get out now even if it hurts.

She is treating you awfully.

I hope your future is a happy one

qwertyuiop17 Mon 06-Nov-17 20:25:18

thanks. it just feels so wrong that someone can stop you seeing your kids every day, and can end up replacing you with some other guy. Youngest is 3 so won't even remember our 'family'. 6 year old is going to be devastated I think. However we will be as amicable as possible and I know we will both do everything we can to make their lives happy.
It's been so confusing because I think she is being genuine when she says she 'can't leave', but she doesn't back that up with a commitment to work on us.

Wherearemymarbles Mon 06-Nov-17 20:31:07

She is probably scared her lover isnt really going to leave his family and wants you as back up just in case, hence giving you false hope.

Easier said than done I know, but chuck her out and stop doing the ‘pick me dance’

She wants him but isnt 100% sure she can.

TammyswansonTwo Mon 06-Nov-17 20:39:50

Her behaviour is not acceptable, no way around that. Why is it all her decision?

Having said that, your first post made it sound like you knew she didn't want to have sex with you but did it anyway, for a long time. Is that accurate? If so, that would destroy any marriage and has probably led to real issues for her. Even if you weren't aware, she is probably really struggling with her emotions after doing that and if things are going to work out you really need to figure out why she would force herself to have sex with you when she didn't want it.

QueenLaBeefah Mon 06-Nov-17 20:43:12

She is treating you appalling.

Get proper legal advice and take back control.

You don't have to let yourself (and by extension) your children be treated like this.

qwertyuiop17 Mon 06-Nov-17 20:46:32

hi tammy, I suppose what I meant was perhaps I knew deep down that there wasn't as much of a connection there as I'd have liked. When I've asked why she didn't just say I don't want to, or I'm not into you she just says that because everything else was 'perfect' it seemed the best thing to do, or that she didn't know what else to do. Obviously I now feel terrible, and that I 'used' her, but at no point did she say she didn't want to and I certainly wasn't threatening or abusive about it. I guess I always had to make the first move, but I had convinced myself that was just how she was, or how we were.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Mon 06-Nov-17 21:01:45

I’m afraid you’re being played,she’s literally doing two men and you’re back up until her lover decides if he’s leaving his wife,for your wife
Whilst she at work get busy getting copies of the financials, mortgage,bank acc etc
Gather evidence of her affair,any collateral,proof of infidelities
You need to think of returning to work or retrain so you’re not financially dependent or skint

Undoubtedly it’ll be hard,but you can try minimise the impact and gather your good mates and/or family to support you

Garlicansapphire Mon 06-Nov-17 21:23:20

Why do you need to leave? If you're the SAHD and she's choosing to leave you then why should you be the one to pack your bags? You really need to get some legal advice and toughen up. As I said make her feel the consequences of her choices. Stand up for yourself. You haven't done anything wrong - she has betrayed you.

Big sympathy for you - I know you must be devastated.

qwertyuiop17 Mon 06-Nov-17 21:35:40

Thanks garlic, yes I am devastated. I won't have to leave but she cant afford to pay out mortgage and her rent if she left. I guess once separated officially I might be able to claim benefits, or put 3yo in full time nursery and work.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Mon 06-Nov-17 21:41:14

Get legal advice and advice regards claiming benefits
Look into free childcare entitlement, use the free hours the kids in nursery to think about retraining and job hunting
It’s very sad, gather your good mates, and get a plan.dont acquiesce to this

gillybeanz Mon 06-Nov-17 21:42:05

If you are the primary care giver then she won't be replacing you with anyone and you don't need to leave.

She's treating you like a mug, I'm so sorry for you.
Please ask her to leave for the sake of your children, you both deserve so much better.

Garlicansapphire Mon 06-Nov-17 21:49:27

Well you do need advice. You might have to sell the house and split the proceeds so you can both have a suitable place to live. If she works she would probably have to pay you spousal maintenance but realistically you may well have to work. But that's why you need advice and to put her straight on what she is forcing to happen by her choice to leave you.

In the meantime you need to have support from friends and family - and to look after yourself. You deserve it right now - you must be in a very dark place whilst still trying to care for your DCs.

Many of us have been thee. My X messed around then claimed he never wanted to break up the family - he just wanted to be greedy and satisfy his ago, being admired by someone new. Sound familiar?

whenthestarsturnblue Mon 06-Nov-17 21:53:21

aah don't let this situation linger any longer, you should be kinder to yourself, you deserve better, anybody in this situation would; you have put yourself in limbo by giving her free rein to do as she pleases and live her old life, whilst dallying with the new as she pleases; she loses nothing, she has no impetus to change or make a move. You are only torturing yourself every evening you see her go out with him.

You need space from her. You need to tell her to go. I suspect part of her indecision relies on the fact that he has a wife and kids and I would be willing to bet his wife knows nothing of the affair yet, that they are not separating and your wife is trying to get them to move together. He may never leave his wife. Do you really want a wife who is using you as a fallback?

As garlicansapphire said 'she has betrayed you and should be on her knees begging forgiveness.' precisely that and anything less is not someone who will ever make you happy. Get a legal consultation, her rent is not your problem, she can stay with a friend, a family member or him as she is so sure he is leaving his wife. If this is true they will be splitting a rent on a new place - I don't know but most 'separations' aren't long and drawn out in terms of living arrangements at least. Take control.

qwertyuiop17 Mon 06-Nov-17 22:01:47

Thanks for the replies. Yes I will have to find out how I can pay the mortgage etc. If she leaves, or if she'd have to pay spousal maintenance to me. I guess I've been in denial because this isn't what I want to happen, not for me or for the kids. It's not because I'm dependent on her it's because I love the life we've built together, and I love her and was looking forward to the future together as a family. I feel like I don't want to push her further away by going ahead with divorce but I suppose the reality is she's gone anyway... Thanks again for kind words, they do help.

midnightmisssuki Mon 06-Nov-17 22:10:11

sorry OP she's taking you for a fool. End it with her and ask her to move out to this mans house - or you can move and take the kids. I bet she suddenly 'has a change of heart'. Its sad that this has happened but you do not deserve to be made a fool of. She on the other hand is having her cake and eating it too. at the expense of you.

whenthestarsturnblue Mon 06-Nov-17 22:36:35

I feel for you qwertyuiop17 but even though you don't want to, you have to push her far away, for her to see what she is losing and you have to be alone, for you to reassess your self worth.

Garlicansapphire Tue 07-Nov-17 00:16:39

Well you need to understand your position qwerty because she has left you and may well bounce back again, but the relationship will never last or be happy if she can just walk back in or out whenever she chooses. It will be devastating for you and for your kids. So she needs to understand that there will be serious consequences if she continues in this way.

We were telling you to get advice because you were assuming somehow you'd been replaced or might have to leave. You don't. Stand your ground and fight - she will never really value you or the relationship if she doesn't know how badly she is behaving or whats at stake. By being strong and determined I think its the only way she will really value what she's losing.

Thymeout Tue 07-Nov-17 00:22:18

You can't have a trial separation while you're living in the same house. She needs to move out so you both have some space to work out what you want to do. You stay put because you are the primary carer and your boys need the continuity.

It isn't necessarily over. She's clearly conflicted. And there's a good chance that the other man won't leave his wife. But you won't know if the marriage can be saved till he's out of the picture. And you won't know how you feel about her betrayal until it's had time to sink in.

An affair doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage, but it's bloody hard work to put it right. In the end, you might not feel she's worth it. The wheel's still in spin at the moment. It's rotten for you because it seems as if she's calling the shots and you're waiting on her whim. Your feelings don't seem to count at all. So be firm about her leaving. Find out about the financial realities of a permanent separation. You don't have to be the one that doesn't see his children every day. She needs to face up to the reality of what she is doing.

Good luck! However it works out.

whenthestarsturnblue Tue 07-Nov-17 01:20:13

As Thymeout said 'You stay put because you are the primary carer and your boys need the continuity."

You might surprise yourself OP as other posters have mentioned, if you allow yourself to accept it is over, you might find that you don't want this kind of person anymore anyway. You are not doing wrong by your boys, you are doing the right thing.

Sometimes people just change, sometimes couples lose themselves after kids, sometimes people just fall out of love - it happens - toying and playing a game is not acceptable however with someone you should respect. Do not accept that.

LellyMcKelly Tue 07-Nov-17 01:35:24

The chances of her married boyfriend leaving his wife are about 10%. So not likely. You need to split properly. If she's done it now she will do it again.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: