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30 days no contact Thread no 3

(261 Posts)
heartnothead Mon 06-Nov-17 17:42:30

Here we go with thread no. 3

Please do read my last post 1000 on thread 2.

meowimacat Mon 06-Nov-17 17:55:59

We are getting through these threads aren't we.

heartnothead hugs, but you don't want to be dating a middle aged Peter Pan!

Iris I can't imagine all you've gone through this year, stay strong.

Liza and dolly you're doing SO well. Big hugs.

Tygr It's so hard but allow yourself to grieve and to feel these emotions, they are normal and it's super hard sad

I wrote a text last night but didn't send it. The good thing is after 24 hours when you go back it does seem easier not to send it and I'm glad I waited.

GeriT how are you feeling about the message you drafted now?

Still have the regular sad moments throughout the day where I wonder what he's doing and why he doesn't want me. Have bought some self help books that should be coming this week. They're more based on getting over an EA relationship which is what I came out of earlier this year, need to work on myself.

I'm also being pursued by a guy I rejected recently, but I have since said we could hang out as friends. He's treating this 'friendship hangout' as a date though, telling me how excited he is, and that is giving me anxiety. He's bought me a present for where we're going and everything. Everything he's doing is lovely if it was from the person I want it to be from, but when it's from someone you're not interested in, I just feel sick. lol. The worst feeling is knowing that the way I feel about him is probably how my crush felt about me in the end. I definitely went too keen at one point, then went the opposite way and acted like I don't like him at all. lol. confused

GeriT Mon 06-Nov-17 17:58:58

Meow I have calmed down about it. Still would like to say it but it adds no value.

He hasn't got a clue what he is doing. I actually feel sorry for him.

Aminuts23 Mon 06-Nov-17 19:52:02

Just checking in ladies. Glad to hear some of you are well on the way now. It’s lovely to read how everyone is supporting each other. Day 41 here. All still going really well. Those of you at the very beginning of this journey please take heart that it really does work. I feel free of him and ready to move on. Ready to see what’s around the corner for me. smile

Iris65 Mon 06-Nov-17 20:03:03

Horrible, horrible day. I can't stop crying, although I managed one hour and twenty minutes of tutoring. Started crying again by the time I walked by to the car.
I looked at his staff page on the website of the university he works for this afternoon. I've now blocked that page so that to see it I have to enter two different codes which goves me time to think about why I shouldn't.
I also keep checking my emails and my mobile for any contact.
Truly bizarre given how he has treated me. It is just like I have a physical addiction to him. Even looking at the cat breaks me up because I can see him playing with and petting her.
I want to go to sleep and wake up when it is all over.

Iris65 Mon 06-Nov-17 20:05:38

Ami You are giving me hope.
I'm sorry I haven't responded to any other posts today, but I hope you are all doing OK.
Thinking about the AA advice that all I have to get through is the next hour. Just one more hour.

Aminuts23 Mon 06-Nov-17 20:11:15

Iris65 flowers what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You’re grieving and you will go through a roller coaster of emotions over the next few weeks. Sending hugs to get you through today, I’m sorry it’s been horrible. Tomorrow is another day x

meowimacat Mon 06-Nov-17 20:51:39

Iris you are doing really well even if it doesn't feel like it. Such a lot to go through right now and you are going to have down moments, but just know in time everything will be okay.

I'm having a crap evening. My DC is really poorly and a lot of the time he needs hospital when he gets this bad. He's asleep now but i'm sure it'll be a long night, and potentially late night hospital visit/stay which can be for up to a week. No help from my ex either, he just messages me telling me how I'm parenting wrong. Because it's my fault my child is sick. Moron. Argh hate my life right now.

Iris65 Mon 06-Nov-17 22:26:46

Hope your DC is OK meow and yes, your ex is a moron. It must be s hard with a sick DC.

Thanks for the reassurance Ami. I need to keep hearing that it is normal and that it will get better.

anxiousnow Mon 06-Nov-17 22:52:17

Iris it may not feel lile it but you are doing really well. The relationship breakdown is hard enough but with the loss of your father i really can't imagine what you must be going through. Be kind to yourself.

Ami wow well done. Glad you are feeling ready to move on.

Meow hope DC doesn't end up needing hospital. It is so hard isn't it. Sorry the father isn't a help either. Something else you.posted about your parents also rings bells with me. As to why i am attracted to and need this man to want me like i want him. This is hard to word properly as i really don't think i am anything but how can he just switch off and not even care how i am.

I watched a clip on narcissism earlier. I know it gets thrown around a lot but this rang bells too. The constant compliments and being into me so much so soon. I got swept away with it all and believed him. Right up until that last night. I do know that he genuinely does have some problems and cut off from everyone but why hasn't he cared enough to come back or at least reply to a text. It really is the ghosting part after being friends and then more that had thrown me. I read that narcissism means no empathy so even if i text exolaining how his actions have made me feel it will probably fall on deaf ears. Why can't i just think your loss and move on. I am genuinely worried about him. What a mug!! It is history repeating in a way as i have never fully cut off ny exh. Even after everything he putme through.

dolly3012xo Tue 07-Nov-17 08:24:07

Omg. I thought I had lost you all!

Day 6. Nearly to a week. Whenever I think any "missing" or "loving" thoughts I picture him shagging the woman he cheated on me with. It's helping.grin

How's everyone doing?x

GeriT Tue 07-Nov-17 08:55:02

Dolly - Great work. The less they are in contact the less you realise they give a fuck.

Im doing ok. Next goal for me is Day 20. Had some near slip ups.

But your tactic around imagining what he's up to plus the shit they are probably saying to each other is helping me.

Shame my feeling haven't changed for him though. I'm sure they will.

dolly3012xo Tue 07-Nov-17 10:06:58

GeriT- Yes imagine it in vivid detail. I have started laughing every time I imagine it. Must be working.

Also I wrote myself a reminder of what he has done. What my future would realistically be like if I stayed with him and how much more I deserve. We all deserve someone who is going to treasure and value us.

Iris65 Tue 07-Nov-17 10:59:24

Dolly Great stuff. I recall my ex telling me it wouldn't matter if I killed myself as my son would get over it and my friends don't really like me.
Geri I really believe that some relationships are addictive. They treat us so badly and we still want them on some level!
anxious There is research apparently showing that there is an epidemic of narcissism in society. Narcissists are also emotionally abusive so are more likely to create a trauma bond with their victim. These are much harder to get over. I know that it is what is going on with me anyway.
Maybe on this thread we are more likely to have been involved with a narcissist or some other kind of emotionally abusive partner I think?

Iris65 Tue 07-Nov-17 11:01:55

We all deserve someone who is going to treasure and value us.

I want this printed on T shirts, mugs, bumper stickers, posters and coasters!

GeriT Tue 07-Nov-17 11:18:04

Im about to fall apart and ruin all I have done.

I was love bombed....sad

dolly3012xo Tue 07-Nov-17 11:41:55

Iris65- Your ex sounds like a scumbag if you don't mind me saying. My ex said that he knew I would stay with him because apparently I am not going to get another dick like his again. I just laughed.

GeriT- Don't fall apart! What has been said?

LizaJane85 Tue 07-Nov-17 12:40:03

So my stbxh has made his new relationship official on Facebook. Complete with cutesy photos of him and ow and her kids! So I’m back to day one. I feel so much worse off that I did before. 8 years we were together! And he’s over it in 8 weeks.

dolly3012xo Tue 07-Nov-17 12:56:12

LizaJane85- Omg hunnie I am so sorry. What an absolute bastard. Have you said something to him?

GeriT Tue 07-Nov-17 13:02:38

LizaJane hugs for you hunny.

Today is horrible. Im so torn.

meowimacat Tue 07-Nov-17 13:08:12

Liza that is SO awful. Why are you back to day 1 though, did you contact him? That is unbelievably hurtful and can you imagine what everyone on Facebook must be secretly thinking of him? It won't be good I can tell you that.

anxiousnow yes sounds so similar to mine. I'm not sure if mine is a narcissist, but I feel like I relate to a lot of what they say about them. Sounds like we've come from similar situations, as I fell for the compliments and everything and then now even though we still see each other (at work) he just one day changed and it was like I was nothing any more. He wouldn't even give me eye contact sometimes when we'd talk, he'd just be on my phone and treat me like I wasn't there. I guess you are so upset because he ghosted you and that gives no closure, just a cowards way out. But in reality he probably has zero emotions about it, or if he does feel emotions he can't handle them so the best thing he does is to act like you never existed.

My update: DC was up all night. I have two and the other one woke up and said he was ill too, so they slept in with me but I didn't sleep basically all night because of that. Feel exhausted today, and run my own business and SO behind on jobs right now but had to come home quickly to eat something so I don't pass out.

I also texted 'my guy' today, so back to day 1 AGAIN. But to be fair it was about work and I had to do it at some point this week. Was nothing personal either, literally just a work message. But obviously in reality, I'm still not over him. Argh it's so hard.

LizaJane85 Tue 07-Nov-17 15:07:38

Yeah I messaged him. I’m an idiot!

dolly3012xo Tue 07-Nov-17 15:08:46

LizaJane85- What did you say?

Iris65 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:00:49

Liza Give yourself a break. We all do stuff we know we shouldn't - that's why we're here! And he sounds like the idiot, posting photos on FB as if they are a family? Most people will roll their eyes if the know the history.
Anxious and meow being ghosted is nasty after the love bombing. Classic narc behaviour, they have a new supply; until they do the same to them...
Glad your DC didn't end up in hospital meow, being self employed is hard work. I'm just starting a tutoring business and realised that any holiday or sickness means no pay. Sorry that you are back at day 1. We'll get there together.
dolly you made me laugh. That must be a very special dick hmm And yes, my ex could be a scumbag. Before we split up he also told me that his last girlfriend was a lot smarter than me. I replied that she must be, because she left him. He stalked off upstairs and ignored me for several hours after that.
This thread is really helping me. I haven't cried today and feel much better than yesterday. Prepared for another tsunami at some point though. Wish I could just get angry and hate him. Instead I explain a lot of it as his Aspergers and then feel sorry for him! confused

dolly3012xo Tue 07-Nov-17 16:05:47

I HAVE JUST FOUND OUT WHO HE CHEATED ON ME WITH. I am sat at my desk howling.

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