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How do I know it's the right decision?

(8 Posts)
RinonaWyder Mon 06-Nov-17 13:33:38

So, the weekend before last I told DH I wanted to end our marriage. We've been married just over three years, no kids.

Nothing bad happened, no one else involved or anything like that, I just did some thinking and while I've always known I've never actually fancied him, I had no doubts at all on our wedding day and was happy to marry him.

But it got to the stage where I didn't want any affection from him. Cuddles were always fine, but when he started kissing me it felt like getting unwanted attention from a friend, if that makes sense?

Anyway so I ended it and since then he's been in the spare room, the plan is to speak to bank/solicitor to sort out what's happening with the house and other finances.

I think today I'm having a little bit of a wobble. I'm 30 now and he is 35, and I guess I'm feeling a bit sad that I'm looking at finding someone else to have kids with. Kids were planned in the future once we'd moved to a bigger house, but for some reason or other moving always got put off. And then I came to the conclusion I didn't want to be married to someone I don't find attractive and react to affection from him as something unwanted. I do feel sad about having hurt him as well. He's having a counselling session today which I hope will help him.

Is it normal to be feeling like this? I was with him for 12 years so this is really the only break up I've had to deal with.

Likethisismylife Mon 06-Nov-17 14:13:21

Wow. This was like reading my own life 9 years ago. Recap. Got to 30. With now exH 13 years. Married for 5. Realised I was living with my best friend but plutonic and didn’t want this for the rest of my life.
After the initial “fall out” - shock from family and friends, sorting out finances, house etc we went our separate ways. Not 100% nicely as he was very hurt but it was ok.
I learned who I was on my own as I’d only ever been part of a couple as an adult. I had fun. I made all my own decisions. I made some new friends as well as keeping my old and best ones. Then I met my now husband and we have two DC together. My thirties have been my happiest decade to date. Not only due to my husband and kids but because I discovered ‘me’.
Trust your gut. It’s rarely wrong. Was I scared? Yes. Did I have courage in my conviction? I had to. Did I cry? Loads. But I believe my life is better. So much better.
Good luck OP. smile

Likethisismylife Mon 06-Nov-17 14:14:33

Oh and, some friends will let you down. Won’t be able to cope with this change for their own selfish reasons. Let them go. Just let them go.

Mishappening Mon 06-Nov-17 14:20:17

Anyone planning to marry someone you do not fancy, read the OP and step back from the brink!!

Hermonie2016 Mon 06-Nov-17 14:21:04

I think who you are in your late 20/30s can be very different to the person in teens or early 20s.

I think if you are not attracted to him then it's fairer to him to separate.It is sad for all involved but might save heartache much later when children are on the scene.

Will your family be supportive or encourage you to stay married?

RinonaWyder Mon 06-Nov-17 15:39:53

My mum, dad and sister were all surprised when I told them but seem supportive. We don't live near to each other so it would have been hard for them to see any issues. Plus I've never discussed the way I feel with them. I'm going to my mum's for Christmas so expect we'll talk it out then.

Like PP I'm still learning about who I am and what I'm all about and in some ways in looking forward to starting again. I just feel bad that I've taken myself away from him as I know he loves me. I love him too, just not in the way that I'm supposed to love my husband. I do want him to be happy and to find someone else if that's what he wants. I think I'm at a stage where I'm a bit scared of an unknown future. It's still really early days though so I guess this will pass.

RinonaWyder Wed 08-Nov-17 10:40:00

I'm thinking now it would be worth going to counselling myself, if only to sort my own head out. Having a proper wobble, was looking at the website listing all the stuff that's going on in town for the Christmas lights switch on and was thinking about how awesome it would be to have a kid to take to it one day. Maybe couple's counselling would also be worth looking at once I've had my own session. Oh god maybe I've got it completely wrong confused

BackInTheRoom Wed 08-Nov-17 10:56:24

@RinonaWyder Why would you spend this amount of time with him, then marry them, when you knew you didn't fancy him? I don't understand?

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