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I feel I’m negatively affecting my 8yo’s friendships

(9 Posts)
Bloopbleep Mon 06-Nov-17 10:46:00

I was planning on posting about me being lonely and friendless but today walking with my 8year old dd to school I saw her being ignored by the girls in her class on the way to school and as I saw her react, it broke my heart. I feel like by being weird I’m affecting her friendships too.

There is an uneven number of girls in the class (7 girls) and they’ve all paired off except for my daughter. She seems to get on ok with them all but has no best friends as such. Everything in today’s society tells a girl she’s nothing without a best friend. I’ve tried to explain that tv shows etc aren’t like real life but when her peers are acting out these kinds of relationships in front of her, it’s hard. She just sees them all being best friends and their mums all being in regular contact and wonders why we’re not included.

I don’t know how much of my situation is causing her to struggle in relationships. I’m autistic but think I can pass as NT with small talk, if perhaps a bit ‘quirky’. I’ve never let my daughter know how lonely I am. The playground mums have never warmed to me and the ringleader actively excludes me (one mum actually apologised to me last week because she was embarrassed by it). If I’m honest I’m used to and expect it now but my daughter notices and it hurts her. My daughter does sometimes get invited to group playdates and the other mothers are always invited to stay for tea & a chat but the ringleader always arranges/insists for my daughter to be picked up and dropped off by one of the other mums. I’ve tried to insist i or my OH take my daughter over on these group playdates but she’s very insistent I don’t. When I’ve tried to arrange for the kids to come over to ours there are various reasons why they can’t come and it’s always ‘maybe another time’.

I have my dd at clubs out of school so she gets lots of social activity and experiences I can’t provide for her. Everyone likes her and she does have friends (acquaintances) at each club but they all go to different schools and are usually a bit older so there’s no out of club meet ups.

I feel so sad for my daughter. She’s neurotypical so doesn’t have my autistic difficulties but has a fantastic understanding of them. She sees the good in everyone and is so kind and helpful and such a happy young thing in general. I hate to think that because the school gate mums can sniff out difference with me that it’s having an effect on my daughter and her friendships.

I thought everything was going ok but today I just see how much my daughter hides it from me that she doesn’t have a best friend and how lonely she is.

How can I fix this? I feel so responsible because I’m ‘weird’.

TenThousandSpoons Mon 06-Nov-17 11:04:54

Sorry to read this. Your daughter sounds lovely. Instead of a group play date, what if you just invited one girl round to yours? Perhaps the did of the mum who apologised to you? Or is one of the pairs more open to becoming a threesome? Perhaps invite two to a fun activity e.g. Swimming or cinema. At 8 my dd's class's quite rigid friendship groups changed a lot - a couple of new girls joining the class helped too. Why only 7 in the class? Could a bigger school with more girls per class help?

TenThousandSpoons Mon 06-Nov-17 11:07:20

And you don't sound"weird" by the way. As the children get older the mums' friendships won't matter so much and the girls will want to choose who they have over, not the kids if their mum's friends. Good luck flowers

Appuskidu Mon 06-Nov-17 11:08:19

That's very small cohorts of girls-is it a very small school or just boy-heavy? I think that size is likely to cause problems.

Thetoothyteeth Mon 06-Nov-17 11:11:00

I don't know what to tell you but i dreaded this type of thing, my dcs are all very close to their cousins and they all go to the same school which helps but i totally empathise - it's heartbreaking when you see them set off so innocent and pure goodness then school antics teach them what it feels like to be hurt / left out. Urgh horrible. It gets better OP and it's not your fault. Teach her to be brave and confident and fearless. Let her know there are many lovely things and people out there in the world and she will be so busy finding them all! X

StealthNinjaMum Mon 06-Nov-17 12:20:49

This thread makes me so sad, op you sound like such a lovely person and I am so angry that bitchy mum behaves like that. DD also sound lovely

I have a slightly different issue in that we suspect dd2 has pda syndrome (a form of ASD) and can be 'different'' so I have always gone to extra effort to organise playdates that kids want to go to often with a theme. So I always do a party at Halloween (with an invitation in the book bag) with plenty of advanced notice. We also have 'discos', 'movie nights' and Xmas arts and craft days. I also invite the class when we're doing things like going to the park or the cinema.

It is hard work and we don't get as many invitations back but dd does have some good fun and I can watch her and help her develop her social skills. At one point dd didn't have many friends but now she has quite 3 or 4 good ones but no bestie.

Thinkingofausername1 Mon 06-Nov-17 15:03:55

I understand your situation op. You just have to invite them round, even if it takes a while for your dd to be invited. At least, then, she is still benefiting from individual play dates. And hopefully over time it will reassure you too.

Bloopbleep Mon 06-Nov-17 22:00:51

As I said in my OP, invites to ours are either rejected or cancelled at last minute. Every time. Even relatives with kids cancel all the time.

Being autistic I can’t cope with all 7 kids in my house but a couple at a time is doable. I’m not open about my autism as they’re not the most understanding people at the best of times & quite frankly it’s none of their business. If they can’t be nice to me thinking I’m NT I don’t want their pity friendship (or more likely complete avoidance and bitching) knowing I’m autistic. I’ve learned my lesson from being open about it and I don’t want my child to suffer even more because of it.

In answer to the number of girls, there are way more boys in the class than girls. It is quite a small school and my dd doesn’t want to move to another school.

Howlongtilldinner Mon 06-Nov-17 22:36:03

All I can say is that if everyone cancels then they must be the bitchiest group of mums on the planet, and quite frankly I don’t think I’d want my dc around them! Ignore the pathetic lot of them, I detest these kind of school cliques..

I don’t agree with ‘besties or bff’s’ I think children should have lots of friends to choose from, besties mostly end in tears at some point.

I think you’re doing the right thing about outside school clubs. Unfortunately you can’t make them come to your house, you can only keep plugging away at it. Maybe arrange a really popular ‘themed’ evening for the dc..karaoke..dance mat thingy..nail painting..jewellery making..you get the gist..the kind of thing young girls like..might make it more attractive to themsmile

Good luck OP and sod those snotty cow mums!

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