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LTB and being alone with DD forever

(14 Posts)
shitwithsugaron Mon 06-Nov-17 09:31:41

We haven’t even broken up yet. But its coming, I can feel it.

In January this year our car was repossessed and it came out that he had debts of 20k I didn’t know about. Payday loans, CCs the lot. We’ve gone on a debt management plan with stepchange and things are actually a lot better financially. I’m close to paying off arrears on mortgage and council tax. I’m mentally exhausted by the strain of it all and nobody knows or cares, least of all him.

I suppose I didn’t throw him out for DD’s sake (she is 2 soon) and also because I believed/still do believe he’s depressed and isn’t the man I married.

However, months go by and life is getting more and more awful. He doesn’t engage with me at all unless it’s about his work or football. I talk TO him about DD but it isn’t a two way conversation. I think he can be jealous of my relationship with DD which is just ridiculous. She doesn’t behave the same around him, she bites pinches and slaps him so his tone with her is one of nasty rejection. A few days ago he said to her ‘daddy only exists to pinch and slap, go to mommy if you want a cuddle’

Around the house he is a lazy slob. Iron his clothes and they end up on the floordrobe, instead of putting a cup in the dishwasher it goes ABOVE the dishwasher. You catch my drift. He used to be so houseproud and we were a real team.

My worry with ending the marriage isn’t ending the marriage. It’s being alone forever and ever. I have very low self esteem, mostly completed correct in being so because I am (uglys the wrong word...) Plain I suppose. My teeth are shocking and I mean shocking, I have a hugely hairy top lip, spots all over my face, my eyebrows were plucked to oblivion when I was 15 and they’ve never recovered. I have stretch marks x82828 and a huge jelly belly. I have lost 1.5 stone in an effort to look a bit more presentable. But god I’m so frightened I’ll never be loved or even touched once this marriage ends. Not that I’m loved or even touched now!

So the marriage hasn’t even officially ended yet and I suppose if some drastic changes do happen then there’s always a chance. But how daft am I for worrying about these things when as long as DD is happy and unaffected, I don’t really matter.

Apologies for the massive post

hellsbellsmelons Mon 06-Nov-17 09:40:47

But you DO matter.
Hugely.
A happy content mum is a very important for your DD to learn.
Start to tackle the things you don't like one by one.
But first get out of this unhealthy relationship.
The rest will probably fall into place after that.

shitwithsugaron Mon 06-Nov-17 09:44:46

Just thought, I probably should have put this into Divorce/separation

shitwithsugaron Mon 06-Nov-17 09:46:00

I do try not to let the awful atmosphere creep in when we’re together with DD as I worry she’ll pick up on it.

I try to plan nice family days out when we have rare time off together but to be honest there’s only so much lack of enthusiasm from him I can take.

jeaux90 Mon 06-Nov-17 09:47:13

I left when my dd was 1. It was a daunting prospect but I knew I had to go.

There are times when it's a little tough being a single parent but I have never ever once looked back and regret my decision.

Think of life without all that pointless negotiations about the bills, house, parenting. Think of a life where you can do, eat, watch what you want when you want.

And the loneliness, well, you have to let yourself feel that at first. Think of it a bit like grief, it's a process. You'll feel lonely at first but actually once you are through that you get wonderfully comfortable in your own skin again. There are things you can do to make it less difficult, meet up groups etc but I would say it gets much easier when they get to 3 or 4 anyway.

Life as a single parent is way way better than being in a shit relationship

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Nov-17 09:50:53

You're wrong there; you do bloody well matter even though you think otherwise. Of course you matter!!!.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Staying for your DD will do her no favours either; she is not going to say "thanks mum" to you for doing that.

The worst thing is life is not to be alone but to end up with people who make you feel alone. Depression does not give people carte blanche to treat others badly or to run up huge debts. Start opening up properly to others about your husband; do not keep this a secret for him.

Would you want your DD to have a relationship like this as an adult; hell no. You by staying are showing her that this treatment of you is acceptable to you on some level. Its not acceptable for you and its not acceptable to her either. She is learning about relationships from the two of you; what are you teaching her here and what do you want to teach her about relationships?. She is being affected by seeing you both in this marriage much as you would like to think otherwise. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and what did yours teach you?. Did your low self esteem come from them too?. Who told you that you were plain; they had no right to do that.

Get proper help for your low sense of self worth and self esteem (something that he has also undoubtedly contributed to) through counselling. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Shouldileavethedogs Mon 06-Nov-17 09:52:04

Good God woman. There is more to a person than the exterior. Eyebrows can be drawn on. Lips waxed. Belly hidden. Teeth corrected. You just need some TLC. I'd say once you have him out of your life your confidence will come back. Sounds like he's bringing you down. You will meet someone else but you need to learn to love yourself. I have a stretched jelly belly. I hide it in and out of the bedroom wink. I wax. I dye my own hair. Draw on eyebrows. Push up bra. Suck it in knickers. Externally most woman are fake anyway but who cares if it makes you feel better. Come on girl. You can do it. grin

jeaux90 Mon 06-Nov-17 09:52:59

Oh and the physical stuff, one thing at a time. I felt overweight and overwhelmed by myself after being with my ex. I started slow. I started swimming again, eating better, being more active with my kid. Sorted my skin out, went to the dentists (years of smoking so my teeth were shit)

All this stuff is addressable but you know what, it feels like a mountain to climb when your mental health is suffering. I can guarantee you, you will feel better after you split, you will want to address those things that bother you and then you might feel like dating again....or maybe you won't! Being single is wonderful but if you want to move on longer term you definitely will.

shitwithsugaron Mon 06-Nov-17 09:59:41

That’s the thing, I’ve been on ADs since DD was 5 months old as PND kicked in. Not a moment of help or support did I get. Now he’s depressed I’m being told by his family to help him. It’s so hard to hear. Plus there’s times when things are good and we talk about more DCs...he says because I was so ‘bad’ when DD was small it’s put him off ever having another.

shitwithsugaron Mon 06-Nov-17 10:03:01

Yesterday I said out loud to my DM...breaking up with him wouldn’t change my life for one second. I meant that in terms of love and feeling respected. Feeling cherished and wanted are just added bonuses at the moment. I truly don’t think he’d piss on me if I was on fire.

Pacificly Mon 06-Nov-17 10:24:41

I left a crappy controlling relationship with my 3 yr old ds as I felt it was better to be alone but in control of where my future was headed instead of living in misery.

Your DD already feels and reacts to her fathers rejection. What a sad thing to learn so young that a father isn't interested.
Leaving this mentally draining existence and building up your self esteem self worth is the most important thing for now.

People can be happy single
we can be married and still but desperately alone as you well know!
Staying with someone who doesn't show you any love or respect over fear of never finding someone who'll love or respect you? Have a think about that one . You'd have a much better chance at finding what you want without this man holding you back.

And the idea that only beautiful people deserve love or happiness is utter bs. Everyone deserves love.
Yep I've stretch marks, cs scars, jelly belly, I could lose a stone or 2, wish I had long straight hair but I still deserve love.

jeaux90 Mon 06-Nov-17 10:26:48

Tell his family to fuck right off. Boils my blood. You are right I think it was hermione another poster that said it's worse being lonely in a relationship. It's really true.

Gather your real life support around you. Tell them what you want to and then do it. Go get some legal advice you are entitled to 30 mins free consultation with a solicitor (not sure what your financial situation is in terms of the house) and maybe you can get him to leave or buy him out (minus his debts)

MrsBertBibby Mon 06-Nov-17 10:37:12

I left my son's dad when he was 18 months, because it had been clear for some time he didn't give a shit about me, and was doing zero parenting either ( down the pub until we were in bed). He hadn't changed a nappy, made up a bottle, settled him to bed or made him food once at that point.

He's still a pretty shit dad in practical terms, but he now has a loving relationship with our now 13 year old, which is more important to me than all the grunt parenting, which I do.

And there were some very sad and lonely times, but I learned to enjoy my own space, and am now with a lovely man, and pretty happy.

Until you get this man out, there's no chance of you getting your self esteem back, let alone someone to love you (apart from your daughter, of course).

Get yourself back!

shitwithsugaron Mon 06-Nov-17 11:01:56

I agree it is worse being lonely when I’m sat next to him. Because I know I mean nothing to him. Because he knows I’ll put his dirty stuff in the dishwasher or cook his tea after putting DD to bed while he sits on his phone/picking his arse/and so on

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