Ive been awake since three am. This morning I read an old post I'd written, I've nc since then. I can't believe I took him back. I fell for his shit yet again and boy am I paying for it. My previous thread was about admitting I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I ended it the same day and made him leave, within weeks we were back together. I tried to fight how I felt but I wasn't strong enough. I tried not to fight my instincts, my gut was screaming don't do it, but my heart was broken and it felt like only he could mend it. I listened to his promises to change. I gradually started to believe we could make it work. He didn't move back in, but he was the man I fell in love with once again. Kind attentive, funny, soba more than he was drunk, supportive. This gave him a perfect platform to start a different kind of abuse. Emotional blackmail, I didn't see it coming. He did well, I'll give him that, overnight he became the victim, I became the bad one. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, how hard his life had become, because of me so I agreed to let him back. Bam hello to the old version of him again. The version that disapproved of everything I did / said/ thought/ felt. The version that I just couldn't make happy, unless i offered 100% compliance. The version that called me names, lied to me and tried to control every thought I had. I told him I was done. I couldn't go back to that, the deal was off I didn't want him back. I got to see a new version of him. The version that beat me. The version that locked me in the house and said he was going to kill me. The version that screamed at me that he hated me. The version that smashed glasses and threw food at me. The version that then kicked me out onto the street a broken, bruised mess. The middle of the night, with no money, nowhere to go and no coat. I found strength from somewhere, I called the police, I pressed charges. I'm going to sit in court with my head held high and tell everyone what he did to me. I'm in therapy and I've managed to go back to work. I've made contact with old friends and I'm building my life back to what is was, what I was before I met him. Some days I cope, others I cry. Some nights I sleep, others i dream Some days I go to work and do a good job, some days it's an achievement just to make myself walk into the office. Sometimes I laugh at a joke, sometimes I hurt so much my heart burns. I know I'll get there, but this path is one I wouldn't wish my worse enemy to walk. To anyone who is in an abusive relationship get out, now, as soon as you can. They don't change They will damage you They will try to destroy you Take back the control by loving yourself more than your abuser hates you They are incapable of love or change They will hurt you They will become violent There is nothing you can do to fix them They will take you bit by bit until there's nothing left
I'm getting there, each day is different. I just wished I'd trusted my gut, but there's nothing I can do about that now. If anything though I know I'm going to walk out the otherwise different, stronger but different, just not sure if it's a good different or a bad different. Some days I seem to feel nothing,, others I feel everyrhing.
*They don't change They will damage you They will try to destroy you Take back the control by loving yourself more than your abuser hates you They are incapable of love or change They will hurt you They will become violent There is nothing you can do to fix them They will take you bit by bit until there's nothing left*
This should be pinned on to the Relationship board, the home page, everywhere.
The problem is though, that as you found out, abusers play a multi-tactic game, and the very fact that you have been abused takes away your capacity to rescue yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up, it wasn’t your fault, you have every right to hold your head high.
The moment his verbal abuse stooped controlling me, is when he got physically violent. I knew at that point it was over. His verbal agreesive outbursts had escalated and become so frequent so quickly that I knew if I didn't do something now that would only get worse too. The first time they lay their hands on you is never the last, it just becomes a more effective way of getting what they want. I had to take the control back for my sanity. He said I was crazy, I was heading in that direction because of his mind games. I didn't know left from right up from down, and yet he could still make it my fault.