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Am I wrong to feel so desperate for him to propose

(116 Posts)
Sarah1087 Sun 05-Nov-17 18:22:29

Hi girls

Here's the low down, we've been together just shy of three years, we are happy together, I know he loves me we are starting fertility treatment in next few days for me to conceive as I have endometriosis.

For last few months I've been really down maybe redundancy's in my job which I love, infertile, extreme mood swings PMS pmdd symptoms leading up to my period.
I keep arguing with him and asking why won't you do it, you love me so
Why wait, he's 37 I'm 30 we have no children from us or previous relationships. All I get is it will happen I want to spend rest of my life with you, which them words should be good enough but they're not. I've even said I feel you're not proposing until I have you're child. He was upset about this.
We both have good jobs so money isn't an issue, he said 6 months ago just give me a few months to plan something special, he threw me a surprise 30th birthday party which blew me away and I thought he was amazing, but I also thought he would propose that night and he didn't which again broke me in two.
I've even stooped so low to point I said I'd leave him, which is awful - and he says you're spoiling things for me to propose when all you do is argue every week about it with me. ( he's right ) but I can't stop, I've even gone low enough To search his Fb and find a post he'd put about proposing to his ex and how happy he was they'd been together less than a year ( this was 6 years ago ) and it has made me angry and I've felt insulted that after this long he hasn't with me, what was so special then that I haven't got. Don't get me wrong his past has nothing to do with me we've all loved someone else before and it's creepy of me to even look back at it all. What is wrong with me ? I hate what I'm doing, I'd hate to
Walk away and regret it. I honestly believe this all stems to me being so scared treatment Won't work and I just want to look forward to something positive that I'm desperate.
Another thing that winds me up, him and his ex didn't have children but she changed her name by deedpol to his and still hasn't changed it back, it's weird. And I think I don't want my baby having his name when his ex has got it and i haven't xx

PNGirl Sun 05-Nov-17 18:30:24

I think at this point any supposed super special surprise proposal ia going to be a) not a surprise and b) meaningless. Why can't you just agree to be engaged?

ChristinaParsons Sun 05-Nov-17 18:36:59

I never wanted to get married. Some people don’t. It just isn’t important to them. I would always rather have new car, refitted kitchen \ bathroom. Eventually I gave in, went to register office, mid week, took 2 friends as witnesses. Nobody dressed up. Meant the world to him, meant nothing to me

ChristinaParsons Sun 05-Nov-17 18:38:49

Oh and I never loved anyone except my husband

Sarah1087 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:02:15

I've tried that. I said I want to plan a wedding and he's says well let's plan
Then, but this always during an argument so it's not right time, but then I say you won't agree to be engaged to me as you haven't done anything special so how can we plan a wedding. I'm not one for anything too fussy he knows that so it doesn't need to be overly special, just being asked by him even if he didn't have the ring to give me would be special enough for me

Sarah1087 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:03:45

I think people are different Christina, I've also never been bothered about marriage in the past, but with him I am

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 05-Nov-17 19:05:27

<checks calendar>

It’s 2017. You ask him! Fwiw there is no way in hell I would be creating a child, especially whilst unemployed, with a man who wouldn’t at least commit to marry me. You’re desparation is leaving you in a very vulnerable situation. Why on earth are you having a child with someone who won’t even say they will marry you!

RandomMess Sun 05-Nov-17 19:06:06

I think the fact you are about to start fertility treatment is an appropriate time to discuss marriage.

If you want the financial security of marriage then you need to be clear about it and mean it. Is this true though is being married a deal breaker?

Is it a wedding you want or a marriage?

Is this your insecurity or do you feel that he sees you as “not good enough” to marry?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 05-Nov-17 19:06:51

Also, give any babies you have your name. Again, it’s 2017.

dangle90 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:07:11

What if he’s planning something and like he says you could be ruining it by asking him all the time? Your obviously desperate for him to propose just be careful you don’t push him away in the meantime

OlennasWimple Sun 05-Nov-17 19:09:27

Propose to him

Don't have a baby with him until you are married

jeaux90 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:12:50

You absolutely can have a baby outside marriage as long as you can financially provide for it and you. Bottom line is marriage gives you legal and financial protection in terms of assets. Without it if you split all you are entitled to is maintenance if it's not 50/50 care.

That's the conversation you should have. It's not romantic but I don't think marriage is if I'm honest.

OlennasWimple Sun 05-Nov-17 19:23:45

I wasn't thinking about the security side of marriage, jeaux though that is of course important.

More that if he doesn't want to get married ever and this is a dealbreaker for the OP, better to realise this and make decisions on what to do without having a baby to cloud the issue. In short, if marriage is important to her, she needs to find someone who feels the same and is prepared to get on and marry her.

Sarah1087 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:24:20

I do agree with all of you in certain ways
the dr has told me we need to start straight away as my endometriosis will come back within a year so I don't want to put things on hold.
I trust him completely, I am not unemployed there i talks of redundancys and if that happens my redundancy pay will be thousands because of Time serving.
He maybe planning something special and I know I am pushing him away and I feel awful but again we are trying for fertility treatment which is the biggest emotional commitment anyone could make with each other. This is why I don't understand why he is waiting when he knows how important it is to me.
I guesse I either chill out with it and wait and take him saying he wants to spend his life with me and us have children, I take it as enough and be happy.
Or I still keep bringing it up making myself look desperate which cannot be a turn on for him and loose everything and throw it away which I don't want to do

jeaux90 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:28:00

Sarah just tell him you are having a child together and sharing assets legally is the right answer and you are worried going into a new phase of your life with a child without protection that the law provides.

Stop wringing your hands about it and just tell him.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 05-Nov-17 19:30:10

the dr has told me we need to start straight away as my endometriosis will come back within a year so I don't want to put things on hold.

Have a very quick marriage in local register office now to give you the assurance of his commitment to you and the legal protection of marriage. Plan big proper wedding for down the line. Have your fertility treatment in complete confidence that you and any baby are legally protected should the relationship fail.

we are trying for fertility treatment which is the biggest emotional commitment anyone could make with each other.

Sorry, but it isn’t. He can get you pregnant and disappear in the morning. You’re being very naive to take “willing to try for a baby” as any form of a commitment. It really isn’t. Tell him to put his signature where it counts, on a marriage certificate. If he is serious about being with your forever he’ll Have no problem with that.

Hauntedlobster Sun 05-Nov-17 19:30:48

Has he been married before?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 05-Nov-17 19:31:46

Honestly, as someone who is raising two children entirely alone I would never have another child without the legal protection of marriage. It’s my non negotiable for any future relationship.

Sarah1087 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:36:47

I've just said to him why can't we agree to be engaged and he says we can but not when we are arguing, I've said the reason I'm arguing is because you keep avoiding it and it hurts me I'm trying for your baby it should be an easy decision for you. He says I love you and I'm not going no where. So again I say well then be engaged with me and again he won't when we're arguing, I'm so pissed off

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 05-Nov-17 19:38:46

Well if arguing is a good enough reason not to get engaged (which is not a real commitment, just words that can be taken back) then surely arguing is a good enough reason not to have a baby (real commitment, proper life being created there, can’t be reversed)

Creamswirls Sun 05-Nov-17 19:39:57

He doesn’t want to marry you.

If he wanted to be married to you, he’d have proposed.

I’m sorry. It shouldn’t be this hard, in fact it isn’t this hard, when you want to marry someone.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 05-Nov-17 19:40:11

In your shoes I would stop TTC immediately until I had his name on a marriage certificate. In fact, in your shoes I would end it. He is sending up big red flags and you’re shutting your eyes and sticking your fingers in your ears because you want a baby at any cost. He is stalling. Ask yourself why?

OlennasWimple Sun 05-Nov-17 19:40:14

Being engaged isn't the goal here - being married is. Being engaged doesn't necessarily mean anything: it's not a legal status, and can be ended.

The real question is whether he does actually want to marry you. That's the conversation you need to have, not about rings and proposals and being engaged

ChristinaParsons Sun 05-Nov-17 19:49:18

He just doesn’t want it. I didn’t either. I had my children they were mine. I had my house it was mine. He asked me over and over again to marry him. I earnt more than he did. Why put yourself at risk?

category12 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:52:19

Being engaged = pointless. Nice but purely sentimental.
A big wedding = nice but not necessary.
Legal protections of marriage if you're having dc together and proposing to have long maternity leave, be sahm or reduce hours to fit around childcare = extremely good idea.
I'd rethink going ahead with ttc if he doesn't want to marry. And he doesn't want to marry.

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