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Sick of him...lazy arse husband

(27 Posts)
1981Thisman Sun 05-Nov-17 18:18:20

Ok, He works full time and brings home good money.

BUT THAT IS ALL!

For years and years I've been begging for some social planning, day trip planning, any bloody planning but everything's falls to me, I do everything with the 4 kids plus work and I'm so so tired of it.

Any public holiday, celebration, etc nothing is ever his suggestion, his idea, his doing - his excuse is " I don't know where to look" He has an expensive smart phone with Google!!!! He works with other Fathers, Husbands, he can read, write, drive so it's not good enough.

My marriage is so cold and lonely, I'm just existing, it's like residing with an unwanted flat mate, he enjoys the kids and truly loves them but as a family man he needs to do more.

No sex, no comfort, no emotion, no romance .

I'm an attractive lady with a beautiful heart and I bloody deserve more. I'm not short of attention from outsiders but I'm married and I will not go there but I'm so fed up now it hurts.

I go through this with him so often, he appears to listen but nothing ever changes, he may suggested a trip to the park once. ( Wonderful)

I'm sat upstairs listing to the fireworks, feeling upset that my children had nothing planned for them over the weekend by him whilst I was at work.

Their birthdays, Christmas, school events he inputs nothing. I've been married 15 years and he has never surprised me with anything sad

Yes, he is loyal, good morals, and all round decent but it's just not enough as a lover or family man.

BTW : Sex is about 3-4 times a year...always initiated by me!

Sorry for the rant but I feel somewhat better.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 05-Nov-17 18:20:42

Why are you still with him?

Leave and you might have a bit less money but you'd only be responsible for yourself and your DC. Not this miserable useless man.

What's stopping you from having a better life?

Laceup Sun 05-Nov-17 18:24:18

Sounds like my dh....mines got HFA

Shayelle Sun 05-Nov-17 18:27:11

LTB.

1981Thisman Sun 05-Nov-17 18:29:57

Thank you, I feel so trapped. I really respect my marriage and thought it was for life, why can't he just make an effort? No matter how many tears fall, how much emotion I show the sad truth is I don't think he will ever change and it bloody hurts!!!

I know I deserve more but scared to do something about it.

banannabreadforme Sun 05-Nov-17 18:31:31

I think if you’ve chatted to him explaining your concerns several times the next step would be marriage counseling. Having help from a 3rd person may give him the kick up the bum he needs to change his attitude

illuminousopptomist Sun 05-Nov-17 18:33:24

Yes and mine - HFA. He is good with the kids though and helpful around the house and great at DIY.

He is useless at birthdays, Christmas, holidays and going out. He hates the theatre, live music etc. I can sometimes get him to go out for a meal.

It can be very lonely he is a good husband and father, he just shows it in a reliable, hardworking way rather than spontaneous fun kind of way.

Laceup Sun 05-Nov-17 18:34:14

Maybe that's all the effort he can make

meowimacat Sun 05-Nov-17 18:35:35

My relationship was like this, I did and still do everything for DC. We were in a sexless, loveless relationship. He never wanted to do anything as a family, just worked and came home. I left him, it was the best decision I have made. I think you know what you need to do. You don't want to wake up when your kids and left home and realise you just settled into a life with someone who can't be bothered to make an effort.

IL0veCl0thes Sun 05-Nov-17 18:35:53

Sounds awful for you. He probably just thinks that this way the children are under his roof so it's easy to be a father. It would require planning and thought and organisation if you split.

Laceup Sun 05-Nov-17 18:36:04

Not everyone shows love through sex and romance.perhaps he's showing you love through being a good hard working father

meowimacat Sun 05-Nov-17 18:36:31

*have left home

1981Thisman Sun 05-Nov-17 18:36:44

Marriage counselling has been mentioned, he thinks I'm creating problems and I honestly think he sees me as ungrateful.

He is not trying to win me back is he, what does that mean?

I'm 100% certain he is and has always been faithful, it's just not him plus that would take effort.

illuminousopptomist Sun 05-Nov-17 18:37:09

Yes Laceup.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 05-Nov-17 18:45:03

Of course it's hard to leave. For me the change was when I knew eventually that staying would be worse than leaving. No DC, which does make a huge difference. But I could feel my real self slipping away, which sounds like you feeling so sad listening to the fireworks.

Ending the marriage doesn't stop him being a good dad. That's a different thing completely to being a husband who doesn't make you feel cared for, adored, cherished.

What it nothing ever changes? Can you imagine yourself in 10, 20 years, once your DC have grown and are off building their own lived, will you be pleased you stayed and settled for this, or will you regret having denied yourself a chance at the life you want. To find out what makes you happy. Maybe to meet a man who gives you butterflies, makes your heart sing.

You can be friendly mutually respected coparents. You don't have to stay unhappy unfulfilled husband and wife.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 05-Nov-17 18:46:17

Yes maybe, but OP isn't happy is she. She's exhausted and lonely.

It's a cliche but by god it's better to be lonely on your own than with someone else.

christinarose Sun 05-Nov-17 18:48:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SparklyMagpie Sun 05-Nov-17 18:56:34

christinarose piss off

Joliv123 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:25:40

I am in a similar situation to you, I've been with my partner for 14 years. We both met after our previous marriages broke down. My kids were small and he doesn't have children. At first it was great, I felt like this guy was perfect , I trusted and loved him completed and he felt the same. Four job redundancies and a recent house moved, things are not great, I feel I'm walking on egg shells. Everything I say gets ignored or critiqued , he has changed so much. Sex is not existent. I feel so sorry we are in this situations. I love him. Three weeks ago we argued over something really trivial instigated by him, he moved into the spare room and won't talk for over a week, I then said when would we talk, he said he wasn't ready , I then noticed teeth whitening stuff in his room, he's never done this before. Set alarm bells ringing, I went a little deranged and checked his laptop, saw he had signed into a dating website , I didn't say anything just stewed on this, then I went onto match.com saw his full profile on there with photo from our holiday 2 months ago , I confronted him, he didn't denied it. Letter he said he was sorry, we agreed to split up, I have been feeling devastated , now he wants to talk again . I don't know if I want to, or can even try to carry on after this, it's so out of character. My friends have said he's going through a mid life crisis, it's so out of character, he's so loyal, I feel so hurt

1981Thisman Sun 05-Nov-17 23:17:35

Joliv123... it's soul destroying sad I really hope you find a happy ground.

I get brushed off every time which makes me so angry and hurt, I don't want my feelings to turn towards hate but I don't think I can control it.

Fed up!

SandyY2K Sun 05-Nov-17 23:33:59

Has he always had a low sex drive?

Ruddygreattiger2016 Sun 05-Nov-17 23:34:51

Unfortunately op, this is who your h is.
You do have a choice, suck it up or leave.
He comes out with not knowing how to do stuff but the actual fact is he cannot be arsed, sorry.
My ex came up with the exact stupid excuses to do as little as possible, we were married for over 18 years and we split 6 months ago, he now steps up and is more of an involved dad now than ever before.
Dont waste any more years on him op, you know you deserve betterflowers

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet Mon 06-Nov-17 02:33:14

Actually op I ask this like so many threads here about having a lazy man.
What did you have in common to become a couple when you first met.
What changed over the years to become just who you both are now.
When did you notice that things has become boring and you stopped going out as a couple.
Either Marriage counseling.
Or sort out what you want to do from here.

Only leave a situation if it no longer works for you and your family.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet Mon 06-Nov-17 02:34:35

"had"

highinthesky Mon 06-Nov-17 03:03:03

HFA? Why can someone not just be stubborn and lazy without a label?

OP - think hard about what you originally saw in DH, and what your plans for the future are.

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