Need to get off the fence about divorce

[mugginsalert]

I found out 5 months ago that husband had a 12 month affair but marriage wasn't good since kids came along 6 six years ago. Sex practically non-existent, husband very distant for past two years, and working long hours (affair partner was his work colleague).

Since affair has come out he is now sorry and being much nicer. Says he regrets it, want to stay together, being very involved with kids. But still absolutely no physical contact at all, not a hug or a brush of hands or anything.

i started divorce proceedings 4 months ago and have the decree nisi, but its so stressful I've just come to a halt - can't cope with him being so upset, and also the anticipated hurt of our children aged 6 and 3 who don't know anything yet. He's moved into the spare room, but isn't doing anything either to move out or proactively to work on the marriage - he says there's no point until I decide. The longer time goes on, the less energy i have to deal with the situation and fully accept him back as my husband or push through the mortgage, financial order etc. to finalise the divorce. I feel like I could easily remain in this limbo for years, absolutely paralysed by indecision, staying married out of habit and because on a day to day basis, nothing particularly bad happens. And the children are such a strong tie - noone will love them like he does, and I hate the thought of separating him and kids.

Part of me really wishes he'd continued with his affair and moved out. I feel quite angry that all the work and decisionmaking about this is down to me.

This is doing my head in. Please anyone, any ideas about how to get unstuck with this? How do I get the clarity to make a decision and see it through?

TIA

[MissConductUS]

Have you considered seeing a relationship/marriage counselor just by yourself? She might be able to help you focus and assess what the chances are, realistically, or salvaging your marriage or how best to put an end to it.

[fc301]

Well it doesn’t sound like you love him anymore and it certainly sounds like he doesn’t love you. That’s enough for a divorce isn’t it?
Sounds like the discovery of the affair rattled him as he belatedly realised the impact on his kids. But it’s completely unreasonable to abdicate all responsibility about your relationship to you!

[Purpleforest]

I'd second the suggestion to get some counseling. On your own at first until you make your mind up as to whether you definitely want to split up, or want to try to work on making the relationship better.

Having an unmade decision and living your life with two possible futures in mind is hugely stressful. And I think your DH is probably avoiding closeness or putting much into the marriage to protect himself from hurt if you are going to end things. Would he be up for trying to make things better if you were?

[mugginsalert]

Thanks for replies. I do still love him - we've been together 18 years-, but I'm not sure I love him well enough for the rest of my life. He says he wants to work at it but he isn't actually doing anything to do so. Last week I found out he was still Facebook friends with the OW despite promising he'd blocked her- he says he didn't know how to block her but was just scrolling past her posts, not really looking....it's this kind of didn't mean to/can't be arsed approach which is so infuriating. Similarly he says if I decide were staying together he'll look for a job away from her but until then there's no point.

[MissConductUS]

It sounds like he's leaving his options open with OW in case you decide to end it.

The children of course are the complicating factor here. How big a factor is he in their day to day lives now? Do you think he'd make an effort to be there for them if you divorced?

[mugginsalert]

He loves them and wouldn't intentionally let them down. It's just that I wouldn't trust him to fight hard enough if obstacles got in the way of seeing them as frequently as he intended. One of our problems is that he'll always put in extra unpaid shifts at work whenever they need him and those are evenings and weekends which wrecks our family time. But you know, he feels bad about it.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

He sounds completely pathetic and apathetic and deliberately so to wear you down into not actually divorcing, and it seems to be working.
All this didnt know how/didnt realise etc etc bollocks he comes out with is just that and is supposed to shut you up.
He sounds like a useless fucking child, get the divorce, kick him out and make the fabulous life you deserve

[MissConductUS]

he'll always put in extra unpaid shifts at work whenever they need him

That is truly odd. Aren't they legally required to pay him for extra shift work? Are you sure he's actually working during those times?

The prognosis clearly isn't good here, but with so much at stake her you need to do it right. So do try to get a bit of counseling on how to proceed. If nothing else it will clarify things and improve your confidence.

[mugginsalert]

I'm pretty sure he's working these times - he works in catering and manages the team, so if anyone is off/on holiday he just steps in cover the shifts rather than address the staffing levels with the owners

[BackInTheRoom]

'Similarly he says if I decide were staying together he'll look for a job away from her but until then there's no point.'

Nope, he's not fighting for you and is keeping his options open.

Read this OP:

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

[mugginsalert]

Thanks for the link Bibbidee, an interesting read. Yes, quite a difference between the recommended approach there and what's happening in my marriage!

Ruddy what you wrote is how I feel - every other day. The other day I think he seems genuinely sorry and just doesn't know what to do in order to make it right. I really wish I could just see it one way because I don't trust my own judgement.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

'Similarly he says if I decide were staying together he'll look for a job away from her but until then there's no point', so does that mean he still works with ow?
And I do not for one second think he 'feels bad' for working evenings and weekends for free , if he felt bad he simply wouldn't! What he means is he would rather be in work than be doing boring family crap.
He is NOT fighting for your marriage.
He is NOT coming up with any solutions.
He HAS got you feeling sorry for him because he a silly little sausage who needs to be told how to be a normal husband, aw fucking diddums.
He is taking you for a complete mug op, as most lying cheaters do.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

Sorry to be so harsh, op, but from an outsiders point of view he must think you are a complete chump. Hope you find your anger op

[BackInTheRoom]

www.chumplady.com/2013/07/reconciliation-and-entitlement/

[mugginsalert]

Wow Bibbidee I liked that link - it's so uncompromising and doesn't bang on about blame on both sides!

Ruddy - I do feel anger, I just can't sustain it long enough to see this through.

Thank you both for responding to me so late at night. I signed up to some counselling through work today. Hopefully it will help me break the paralysis.

[BackInTheRoom]

@mugginsalert

and this:

www.chumplady.com/2013/11/grieving-the-affair-partner-and-other-indignities/