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Jealousy- porn, women anything.Help?

(70 Posts)
Hookeslaw Sun 05-Nov-17 11:51:09

I am very low right now. I need help. I need a new way of looking at things. It is not that I haven’t tried. I have but I still feel the same way.

I am so insanely jealous. I am sure my boyfriend will run out of patience with me eventually. We have been together three years.

I hate him looking at other women and even thinking they are pretty. I can’t stand the thought of him imagining someone else if he were to wank.

I hate porn we have had many discussions on this. He has been honest and said he used it early on in our relationship but since he knew it was important to me he hasn’t since. He said he doesn’t see it fundamentally as wrong but he would rather respect my feelings more and he hasn’t really missed it.

So I worry that because he thinks there is nothing wrong then he will do it anyway and not tell me.

I hear you should not police thoughts but I don’t think of anyone else is it too much to ask for the same.

I hear men are wired differently but surely we are evolved beings now and can control ourselves.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Has anyone been through this? Managed to change their thinking.

It’s not that my boyfriend really does anything to make me jealous, I have never seen him even check out another woman infront of me. He has said people are pretty in descriptions but he says that is just like saying someone has brown hair it doesn’t mean he fancies them. He says there is more to attraction than looks which I do get.

I am driving myself crazy and I am not young. I think getting old is destroying my confidence.

I don’t know what to do. I need help not telling I am stupid. I know this.

TammyswansonTwo Sun 05-Nov-17 12:22:59

I too detest porn, I think it's an insane state of affairs that men have managed to convince women that it's perfectly normal and acceptable for them to get off to other women, and women who complain are seen as prudish. It's utter madness. Men are perfectly capable of masturbating without porn, they just don't have to. I think that partners should respect each other's boundaries and if they can't stop despite this then it's likely they have a problem.

Having said that, it does sound like you have some deep rooted insecurity issues - being so concerned about him potentially finding a random woman attractive is not healthy. We all see people who we subjectively think are attractive - doesn't mean we are going to do anything about it. If your relationship can't withstand seeing vaguely attractive people in the street then it's probably not worth having in the first place.

Have you always felt so insecure?

Hookeslaw Sun 05-Nov-17 12:46:35

No I don’t think I have. I think
It stems from my last relationship and the fact I am getting older.

I can probably deal with the thinking someone is attractively thing but how do I know he isn’t thinking of others during sex or masturbation.

Why am I bothered? I just am as I don’t do it.

Sigh.

TammyswansonTwo Sun 05-Nov-17 13:01:57

If it helps at all, I think men are actually less likely than women to be thinking of someone else during sex. I think men generally think about someone during masturbation even if they're not watching porn.

Do you think him admitting to using porn has made you feel insecure? It's a hard thing to live up to in some ways.

SandysMam Sun 05-Nov-17 13:15:44

Men ALL fancy other women. I work with enough of them to know. Some of them cheat, most of them (the ones I know) don’t and really love their wives and are fantastic, loyal partners. But they ALL think x has nice tits, or y has a pretty face. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their partners. I think you just need to get to grips with this thought OP and break through that thought barrier. You may be very attractive but there will always be a 19 year old stunner who will beat you in the looks and figure department...doesn’t mean your OH will fancy her more than you. Channel your energy into looking the best you can and into being a lovely person and a great partner so he CHOSES (I.e is not forced) to be with you. If you are constantly nagging him and policing his thoughts you will become hideously ugly to him in the end so the sooner you find a way to accept this and move on, the better.
Jealously is one of the most destructive emotions and i’m so sorry you are struggling with it.

Tinkerbec Sun 05-Nov-17 13:16:11

Thanks Tammy

Maybe but I also appreciate his honesty.

I think I felt like it before too.

Tinkerbec Sun 05-Nov-17 13:17:41

His argument is. That he forgave me for something I did early on in the relationship. I am not proud. He says he understood why I lied.
He saud he isn’t the same now and has grown up. There is always that doubt.

Tinkerbec Sun 05-Nov-17 13:18:13

Name changed but I actually don’t care anymore. It’s affecting me that much.

Wiggles9408 Sun 05-Nov-17 13:19:19

OP how do you feel about yourself? It sounds as though you may be insecure about your looks and using this as a way of expressing that? I don’t agree with porn fundamentally, not because I’m jealous of the women, ( we all have the same bits and pieces and if they’re earning money to get naked and have sex then that’s their porogotive) I just don’t agree with some of the concepts like violence or rape I think that brings a disturbing element and it’s feeding into a dangerous association of it being ‘normal’.

I do agree that this does seem to be rooted in you, because it’s not just porn it’s any woman that he could potentially deem attractive. I think you need to work on your self esteem, whatever that may mean, you could do some light excercise which helps in every aspect of life, releases hormones that make you happy, helps you sleep, you’ll lose weight or tone up? You need to focus your energy on you, if you’re feeling insecure about yourself you’ll reflect that into innocent women and your DP.

Start with something small to help build your confidence, look yourself in the mirror every morning and pick something you love about yourself each day and Keep reminding yourself.

Good luck flowers

Cricrichan Sun 05-Nov-17 13:19:23

I've found lots of people gorgeous but don't fancy them. Looks isn't what makes you attractive to someone.

SandysMam Sun 05-Nov-17 13:21:09

Sorry if that was a bit harsh, I really do feel for you but I have also been in a very jealous relationship where everything I did was policed and in the end I despised my ex partner. Just want to try to make you think of your behaviour may have that effect on your partner so you can do all you can to stop it.

Hookeslaw Sun 05-Nov-17 13:27:16

I know I am becoming ugly with these thoughts which I hate.
Sandy that’s what I can’t get passed.
Why do they have to think that?
I don’t.
I wish I could drill these thoughts from my brain.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 05-Nov-17 13:36:49

There's a difference between having thoughts and acting on them. Can you stop acting on them?

TammyswansonTwo Sun 05-Nov-17 13:38:30

Maybe you need to work on understanding the difference between recognising someone is attractive and actually sing attracted to that person and wanting to be with them? I know that there are millions of women who are more attractive than me, and I'm never going to be the most objectively beautiful woman my DH has ever seen. But he does tell me regularly that I am the most attractive woman in the world to him, as a complete person, because he loves me so much, because I'm the mother of his kids, and because he will never feel about a random pair of boobs the way he feels about me as a person. Human beings are designed to find other people attractive, it's unavoidable really. That doesn't mean they'd ever want to act on it or that a fleeting recognition of beauty is any reflection on your relationship. It doesn't matter how many beautiful women they see, what matters is that you're the one they want to be with.

I do understand it but also think you need to address it for your own sanity and the sake of your relationship. flowers

SandysMam Sun 05-Nov-17 13:40:35

What? You never ever think the postman is a hunk, or that film star is dishy? I do for five seconds then think nothing more if it and carry on loving my partner.
I think men are biologically wired to want to impregnate as many women as possible, some have a milder urge than others, some can’t keep it in their pants.
I also think women are more emotional, so if they fancy someone at work it can become an emotional affair with feelings involved, whereas a man is likely to just think “nice bum” and move on.
I am not trying to make you feel worse about this, but I don’t think it’s helpful to say that i’m sure your man thinks of nothing but you as you will then always be on the look out for signs that he isn’t. CBT might be helpful to break destructive thought patterns when they overtake you.

Hookeslaw Sun 05-Nov-17 13:44:20

Maybe CBT will help. I have tried it before but it didn’t really work.

No I never really think oh that mans a hunk. I mean if someone asked do you think he is nice looking? I could think and say yes but I don’t actively seek it or think ooo nice bum in the middle of the street.

SandysMam Sun 05-Nov-17 13:51:47

Hee hee I feel like a pervert now grin
It is good that you recognise it’s not healthy to feel how you do. Just be kind to yourself and be kind to your partner. Only you can know if you are giving him a hard time.

SandysMam Sun 05-Nov-17 13:54:10

Tammy just read your post and basically sums up everything I have been trying to say but much more eloquently! You have pretty much nailed it there and hopefully that will help the OP feel better.

LexieLulu Sun 05-Nov-17 13:55:30

I'm female and I'm more likely to spot a attractive woman than my husband is!

Men aren't horn dogs 24/7 (well teenagers are but adults no).

Porn is mainly just a visual, they aren't watching it thinking it's them, they are just watching it to turn them on.

Your self esteem sounds awful OP 😔 please don't be upset about ageing etc. I think this must have something to do with your confidence? Xx

Hookeslaw Sun 05-Nov-17 14:03:39

Thanks everyone.

Yes I used to be that 19 year old. Now I am that nearly 40 year old blimp who doesn’t feel good enough.

Has anyone heard of the coolidge effect?
Like bulls/ sheep prefer to sleep with someone new. I worry about that. New people can turn heads.

Aghh I am insane.

ClaryFray Sun 05-Nov-17 14:10:57

I think it's impossible to ask someone to not notice beauty in other people. It's human nature and unfortunately sex is everywhere.

I think you may need to see someone op. This obsession doesn't sound healthy

PaintingByNumbers Sun 05-Nov-17 14:11:24

You are not even 40 yet? Why are you talking about getting old etc? This is surely a self esteem issue, perhaps also hormonal? I would be sad to lose my desire for other people - have you always been that way? All I can suggest is counselling

Hookeslaw Sun 05-Nov-17 14:14:50

I have not always been this way.

I think my last relationship damaged me. Never liked porn though but I think thats a different level to saying someone is pretty. My heart races and I want to vomit.

I am 37.

Josuk Sun 05-Nov-17 15:16:25

OP - have your tried therapy?
Not only CBT - but actual therapy?

For me, I found that CBT doesn’t really work because it doesn’t address why you are feeling a certain way. And for me, specifically, it was not helpful to try to change my feelings/behaviours without understanding why I feel a certain way.

Your insecurities, and possibly a bit of a depression must have a root cause. Maybe a previous relationship. Maybe something deeper.
And the problem is - in a relationship - over time this will in the end become quite destructive.
Most likely, any partner would either leave, or hide things from you.

Irrational jealousy is impossible to deal with, or satisfy - as people always find some other things to be jealous about.

Nazdarovye Sun 05-Nov-17 15:23:44

I often read posts like this when the woman moans she is getting older, then when asked about her age she will say something like 37. Pf..
Please come back and complain about getting older when you are 55.

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