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Emotional abuse is becoming severe please help

(695 Posts)
Heartisbroken2 Sun 05-Nov-17 10:52:06

I've name changed for this as I'm worried my Dh is on my trail. The abuse has been going on for years and I'm exhausted.
Name calling, shining torch in my face when I try to sleep, not helping me despite four kids and full time job, stalking me if I go out and ignoring me for days if I have a short evening with friebds( twice a year max). I cry quite a lot at the moment and get told to dry my eyes or "what the fuck are you crying for". I've been told I'm useless because I don't host dinner parties. My confidence is low and I have little time. Lately though the abuse has taken the form of long sermons or lessons about my deep character flaws. How my anxiety angers him And my delivery is all wrong. The lectures go on and on and I can't interrupt. I have to agree that he's right and I'm flawed. He then tells me what I need to do to change. If I try to infer that he needs to change he rants and storms off. I feel permanently sick to my stomach, I'm so tired of pretending. Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. My family don't but he's well and truly cut them out my life by treating them so badly and being unwelcoming when they stay. He causes the worst atmospheres with his physical presence alone. He storms about. My stomach dissolves in to bundles of nerves. I'm currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes think the only way to get away from him is to just end it all, but I know I have the kids to think of. I've tried to call women's aid but I can never get through. Anyone out there that can give some advice about how to communicate with him and tell him to stop

Wolfiefan Sun 05-Nov-17 10:53:58

By leaving. Then he can't hurt you any more. He's abusive. He won't stop because you ask nicely. Sorry OP.

shushpenfold Sun 05-Nov-17 10:54:38

I honestly don’t think that you can get him to stop or communicate with him; he’s never going to behave as you (or any other normal person would) want. I would be looking at exit strategies. Sorry. X

Heartisbroken2 Sun 05-Nov-17 10:56:08

He's got complete control of the finances and I'd be moving the kids back home . They'll be upset at having to leave their friends and we'll be financially quite unstable much smaller house. I worry they'll hate me. My eldest has already said his life would be over if me and his dad divorced

jeaux90 Sun 05-Nov-17 10:57:42

Fix it by leaving. Go get legal advice

These bastards never change.

Your kids are also going to be conditioned to behave in the way he wants them to like you currently are.

Take it from me, your life without him will be much much better. Don't be scared of being a single mum, it's fine.

Don't wait for him to change he won't

TammyswansonTwo Sun 05-Nov-17 10:58:10

I'm so sorry. Focus on your children and their needs, the effect that this will have on them. Keep calling WA, you will get through, may take a little while as sadly you are not alone and there are many women in this situation. There are also many who manage to get out, and you can too. This is not how your life is supposed to be, or your kids lives xxx

jeaux90 Sun 05-Nov-17 10:58:50

You own a house together? Where are your wages paid into? Go talk to a solicitor and disclose everything there is a way out of this.

Heartisbroken2 Sun 05-Nov-17 10:59:07

The abuse goes in cycles. During the upbeat times he can be funny and enthusiastic, positive. Almost like a different person. I warily start to feel something like hope, then I'll see almost a shadow pass across his face and I know the " bear baiting " games are about to commence. He has a slight smirk on his face when he starts on me. It definitely gives him a kick

jeaux90 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:00:42

Classic cycle they reel you in by being nice to you get a glimmer of hope then they unleash hell. The hell bit is the real them. The nice bit is an act

Your kids will work out why you left mine did and she's only 8 and they will respect you for it longer term

Heartisbroken2 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:01:49

I get paid in to my own account. He has no access to this. Our financial situation isn't great to be honest. Yes we jointly own the house. Trouble is I would want to move from here which would mean leaving my job. His family are brutal. Passive aggressive narcissistic bullies so it's easy to see where he's learned his trade

Wolfiefan Sun 05-Nov-17 11:02:43

Your kids are better away from this. They really are. Break the cycle.

TammyswansonTwo Sun 05-Nov-17 11:04:15

That's how these men get you - they show you just enough of the mask of a decent partner to keep you hooked. It is a mask though, he's not capable of treating you decently all the time.

PickAChew Sun 05-Nov-17 11:05:09

Remember that everyone is flawed, but his flaws are significantly greater than yours, given that he is a cruel, abusive twat.

Heartisbroken2 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:06:11

I honestly can't even begin to imagine what a normal relationship feels like. I'd be stunned by any kindness or care.

jeaux90 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:06:20

Then you find a new job, you leave and move in with family for a while if you can. Get legal advice and start the divorce off and get back on your feet around people who love you.

It's hard yes, but it's the right answer.

Heartisbroken2 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:07:46

I love it when he's not here. The House feels totally different

meowimacat Sun 05-Nov-17 11:09:32

This is bringing back memories of what I got out of earlier this year. Trust me I am better off for it and you will be too. Your children will see in time, and they WILL adapt. Honestly, you cannot live like this. He is wearing you down daily, and in time your children will do the same to you. They will watch how he treats you and copy him. They will then go on to form relationships in adult life and think that is normal behaviour and do that to their wives/partners. Do you want that?
Ignore the niceness, he will beg for you back, or go the other way and call you every name under the sun. Get in touch with your family (discreetly) explain your plan. Tell your job. Get your ducks in a row. You CAN'T live like this. There is SO much more to life than being with someone who treats you this way. You can manage on your own. Please think of yourself and your children and what they are seeing and hearing, even if they don't see a lot of it they must notice the atmosphere.

meowimacat Sun 05-Nov-17 11:12:06

I love it when he's not here. The House feels totally different

And now I live like that all the time and it is the best feeling ever - freedom to live how I want. You can have that too. There was nothing worse than that dreaded feeling of him coming home and the eggshells I was going to walk on. Whether I'd spent all day tidying the house or not there would be an issue. There would be some new flaw that I had that he needed to bring me up on. I know it's the same for you and your husband sounds even worse than mine was, so please think about leaving asap. xx

jeaux90 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:13:16

"I love it when he's not here"

Says it all doesn't it.

So, get your 30 minutes free advice from a good family solicitor and start making a plan. It helps when you tell family or a close friend what you are planning on doing, as long as that doesn't put you in danger of course.

Talking about your plan makes it real.

I remember the peace I felt when I opened the door to my new place, it was the start of my life without him. It felt glorious

Cleavergreene Sun 05-Nov-17 11:14:35

He’s a fucking prick.

Open another bank account. See your employer and get all your pay put into the new account. Get financially independent. Do it on Monday!

Lawyer up!

Fuck him off.

QuestionableMouse Sun 05-Nov-17 11:14:38

Love, you have to get out. Can you start putting some money aside in a secret savings account? Sell some bits and put that money aside?

The size of the house you're living in makes no difference if you're all deeply unhappy there!

pallasathena Sun 05-Nov-17 11:24:20

He's destroying you. If you don't wake up to what he's really doing which is torturing you...will your children have a mother...?
He is dangerous OP. For God's sake...get out!

Heartisbroken2 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:37:21

It's brilliant to get advice from people who have truly been there. I'm sorry for each of you that have been through it, it's hellish. Full of admiration for those who got out. You know sometimes we go out for a meal with kids and we'll have disagreed on something and he'll silently mouth " fucking bitch" at me and carry on as normal. All around are people going about their lives never guessing what's going on. I feel like I'm being held hostage and I want to ask someone to help me. Sorry for dramatic wording and thanks for listening to my outpourings it helps so much to be listened to x

jeaux90 Sun 05-Nov-17 12:03:30

He is insidious isn't he. Mouthing that silently to you makes my blood run cold with similar memories.

Do you have any real life support?

Don't think for one minute that ending this marriage is not the right answer. It is. Many of us have been where you are and understand how difficult it is when you have been conditioned to behave in a certain way.

What will you do first? Legal advice? Tell someone in real life?

Heartisbroken2 Sun 05-Nov-17 12:07:59

I've told two family members but they are not in a position to help financially or with accommodation. They do give some moral support though. Another great one he loves to do is get me all flustered. If I'm out doing an activity with the kids he ruins my plans making me get back to the house because he's lost something and I have to help him find it . He's done it just a second ago . I have to run and drop everything or the rest of the day I'll get silent treatment. On the practical side he's v clued up financially so may try to screw me over. Other worry is that everyone will side with him as they think he's amazing. I don't want to bad mouth him as he's still the kid's dad

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