Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I being paranoid(30 Posts)
This may sound silly but want opinions please.My partner of 10 years had his birthday on Friday . The only issue I have in our relationship is I get anxious with his office relationships. He works mainly with women and I have found him flirty /joking texting .he doesn't know I know.Nothing really inappropriate but feel horrible. I think because he is such s bad texter with me it makes me feel he puts more effort in with these women. Anyway his birthday was last week. He told me that he had to pop into office that day for an impromptu meeting with manager previous to that he said he was working elsewhere but I think they had organised something for his birthday. Nothing wrong with that but why not mention it. He smelt of garlic as well which made me think he had a meal out. When I gave him my card he said it was a poor birthday as only had my card from me and his son. Today I found a collection of Birthday cards from these women at work and a huge card under his car seat signed by all his work colleagues and chocolates. One said to Mr Handsome and hope you enjoy the surprise meal. So does it matter he kept quiet.He lied about the whole day and even said he was full when I got a Chinese that evening saying he had been snacking.It's not a big deal but made me feel weird. I haven't got a history of argueing over this but he seems to keep our 2 worlds separate. He never has his phone switched on or takes calls in front of me but know he gets texts and has previously had an affair when he was married to his ex. Paranoia is an irrational emotion but my gut is telling me something ?
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What keeps you with this man who seems to place a much higher value on relationships with work colleagues than you.
Your gut instinct is telling you something; that this man is inherently not trustworthy. He has not changed since him being with his ex.
Of course you are not being paranoid
He chooses to hide his working social life from you. Pretty pathetic of him really. As to what role 'Mr Handsome' plays at work is anyones guess.
He finds lying to you very easy by the sound of things. Not a nice trait.
Lying IS a big deal!
I can't think of a single viable reason for him needing to keep from you that his office made a fuss of his birthday.
Why lie? I just don’t get it no matter how you react the truth is always better.
Please follow your gut instincts.
I hate to say it but I know from bitter experience that if someone has cheated before in a monogamous relationship.......
Also, I wonder why he lied about his work birthday cards and lunch?
I would confront him on this topic alone and watch his reactions.
You are not being paranoid.
He's lying to you about lots of things.
This is bloody odd!
Why on earth is he keeping his work life so separate? For me, there is no problem what so ever with his work friends wishing him a happy birthday with cards/gifts and a group meal. To be quite honest I would find it more weird if NOBODY celebrated his birthday at work
The only reason why he's keeping it all hidden from you is because obviously he has something to hide. So no, you definitely aren't being paranoid.
He lies to you and thinks nothing of it. You deserve better
That's what I thought. I suppose I really love him so unless I find something concrete I tell myself I'm being silly.Sometimes I feel really secure, he can do nice things and we are always planning breaks and I tell myself he would be with these women if he wanted to but he is with me so I just think it's harmless flirting but suppose I tell him stuff like that but sometimes I wonder who he spends his time with when he's not with me.
So what did he say when you told him you'd found his hidden card and chocolates and bought up his lying about birthday lunch?
I haven't mentioned it yet because it was a super snoop in his car as they were hidden and am embarrassed but will today mention it.I did mention the garlic breath and he just lied and said really, I had a chic pasta meal deal lunchtime!! Must be that. I never smell garlic as he doesn't like but it was the message in the card that caught him out. He once moaned to a colleague that he was going back for a poached egg on toast as his birthday meal as I was away. But no I was taking him out to miller and carter for an expensive meal.Dont worry I'm planning to dump him but hard when you love someone.
'He once moaned to a colleague that he was going back for a poached egg on toast as his birthday meal as I was away.'
Such a liar in many respects.
You have nothing to be 'embarrassed' about
HE is the embarrassment. What an absolute Piece of work he is.
I would think nothing was suspicious or wrong apart from the fact he lied about it.
That is the problem, why would he lie if it was all innocent?
Yeh there's no excuse. He sounds like a twat. Get rid!
Apart from this, how is he otherwise as a partner and dad? Is it possible he keeps his worklife separate because you've shown jealousy/insecurity about it in the past?
Are you socially and emotionally dependant on him, or are you out with friends/hobbies regularly?
I think what stands out to me is your opening post about your anxieties about his job and he works with women.
Question is what came first? His behaviour or your anxieties?
I'm not saying he's not being an asshole, however I see this kind of behaviour a lot in couples where one has bad anxiety.
The other partner just stops telling the truth (even though the truth is fine) because of the anxiety
I'm not saying it's right I'm just giving you a different opinion
He could just be an asshole!
I work in a male dominated industry and do hear how worried some wives are about them travelling me with me etc which frankly leaves me a bit
I've got loads of friends , member of running club and don't depend on him financially. Most of the time we get on fine. I do suppress jealousy or anxiety as he is away a lot with work. Reason being I never know who he's with. He tells me he is on his own but then I find stuff on twitter that he's with work colleagues . Most of the time I would say he was the needy one.
Finding all these hidden things... Your anxiety is going to get worse. He can't be trusted, end of story.
Do you want to live the rest of your life watching his every move? Wonderi if what he said is the truth... You'll crack up! Sounds as if he has kept this side of him hidden, up until now. LTB, you deserve a truthful man ❤️
Happy then talk to him. Ask him why he is lying about that stuff when he doesn't need to.
But look, you don't get to control what he does and him going about for dinner and drinks with work or when he is travelling is fine. The problem is he lies about it. Why?
This is what you need to talk to him about
I would say I'm not an anxious person, never with my ex husband as he was very open but he makes me really anxious. He has a history of lying about anything regarding work relationships. I want him to have friends women or male and have no problem but I think he just doesn't mention stuff that happens socially. He never mentions drinks after works or other people's celebrations although know he attends. Someone I know he was friends with left the other day and I had to say is D having a leaving do and he said I don't think so. I then saw a photo on social media with an office party but can't be sure he was there as picture was only a snapshot .It's the lies as I'm double checking stuff and am going bonkers.
I agree I don't want to control what he does as I go out with friends male and female but I'm open. He keeps everything hidden .We split up once for 6 months and went out with other people. He told me he met someone on match.com but actually dated someone from work but only went on 2 dates. That's fine we were broken up but makes me feel even more paranoid .We are now together again but don't know what to believe.
Happy so you either address this with him and why he feels he has to lie or you ditch him, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who I can't trust.
This lying is a learnt behaviour, I wonder why he does it. What's the consequence for him going to these things and telling you about it?
Right now though there is no consequence to the lies.
All these lies.
Sounds like the colleagues don't know about you. Would explain him not mentioning the birthday meal you organised.
Doesn’t sound good op. I would ask him to leave and give you some space until he can be honest with you.
I work with a team of just men, I don't text any of them outside of work - it's work and they are my work colleagues.
On occasion when they have all clubbed together to get me a card or present for a big birthday I would certainly not hide that from anyone, why would I?
I would find all of this deeply suspicious to be honest.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.