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Going NC with MIL

(10 Posts)
jenniferl1983 Sat 04-Nov-17 22:41:23

DP has had an argument with his mother today. We have been NC with her since Xmas up until about 6 weeks ago at a family funeral where she said we should put it all behind us and forget the past. DP agreed to this and it's been ok since up until today.

The argument today was over a xmas present. Last xmas there was a row caused by us not getting her a xmas card (we visited her on xmas day and got her a present) this resulted in her throwing us out and asking for the xmas present she had bought for dp back. DP gave the present back. At the family funeral she told dp she still had his gift from xmas and if he wanted it he could come and get it. We arranged to go today to get it (and for them to see DD). Just before we left she texted and said the gift was now to be for this xmas and if DP collected it today there wouldn't be a gift on xmas day. DP said that wasn't what was said. MIL then blamed DP's FIL for not texting to say this earlier and it spiralled into a row. DP is now being taken out of the will and the row ended with him saying he wished she had died instead of the other family member who had (I don't agree with him saying that although I can see why he feels that why).

This is the third big row in as many years (the first was over a misconstrued comment about money).

I don't take going NC lightly (I haven't seen my own father for 18 years) but this is becoming very draining.

Does anyone have any tips with dealing with a narc who only wants things done their way? or is the best thing just to go NC?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sat 04-Nov-17 22:45:01

Why would you even consider putting your dd through this never mind yourselves?
Time to put her back in her box and leave them to it.
Christmas at home and block their numbers.

PeasAndHarmony Sat 04-Nov-17 22:45:06

Imho best to go NC.

You will never get the narc to change or see that their behaviour is out of order so remaining in contact will just be a series of rows and threats.

jenniferl1983 Sat 04-Nov-17 22:58:10

Thank you for the replies.

I forgot to add that she said that dp would only get the gift if he ''behaved himself''until xmas. I don't think it's worth trying to please her anymore.

Justbookedasummmerholiday - yes xmas at home sounds bliss.

dinoboogie Sat 04-Nov-17 23:05:18

Can you emigrate?! grin

People who behave like this get some kind of energy from shit stirring/causing hurt. It is weird and toxic and incredibly draining if you're their target of choice. All I can say is run! (And wish I'd follow my own advice... confused)

lollipop7 Sat 04-Nov-17 23:34:03

My word she sounds like hard work. Too much hard work.

I’d revert back to the previous footing if I were you.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Nov-17 00:06:15

It's not normal to throw your child out for not getting a Christmas card from them. Only someone with mental health issues / or someone without their senses would do this.

Then asking for the gift she bought back... She's on another planet.

For that reason you need to realise you aren't dealing with your everyday person and it goes way beyond being a narc.

Either way I'd keep her far away from my family.

Let hee cut him out of her will. He's better off without all the drama and upset.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 05-Nov-17 02:25:55

The biggest mistake you made was renewing contact with this obviously toxic woman. For the sake of your sanity and the health of your relationship, you need to cut contact with her permanently.

OrchidDelight Sun 05-Nov-17 02:46:31

She sounds like an unhinged bitch, but I do wonder if your DP was rising to the bait when he said he would go and collect the gift he gave her. Perhaps he could have just said she could keep it rather than putting DD through visiting her while this stuff is going on? I realise it’s a horrid situation, but I think if DP rose above it a bit more it might highlight how unreasonable she is?

HeebieJeebies456 Sun 05-Nov-17 14:41:17

We have been NC with her since Xmas up until about 6 weeks ago at a family funeral where she said we should put it all behind us and forget the past.

Seems your dp doesn't actually understand what NC is or how to implement it properly, hence why he buckled at the first physical meeting hmm

If you choose to go NC with someone, under NO circumstances do you allow them the control of deciding the terms & conditions of getting back in contact.
Your dp made a foolish mistake in not enforcing his own boundaries - does he even know what they are?

I'm not in the least bit surprised she's done this to him.
Your dp needs to go NC properly with her........which means refusing to engage in conversation at events they both end up at.
Has he told her what he expects from her in order to reinstate a relationship - like an apology? Or a promise to not repeat certain behaviours/language/attitude?

I doubt he has otherwise he would not have accepted her dictat to reinstate contact so quickly.
Don't give her more opportunity to mess him around - tell her not to contact you again and delete/block as appropriate.

If she was serious about wanting a positive relationship with her son she'd be apologising/discussing the issues that led to NC and promising to change her ways - backed up by her actions.

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