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How to let go when you still love him?

(21 Posts)
ChunkyKnitCardigan Sat 04-Nov-17 17:45:41

Separated from h just over a year. We are at decree nisi stage of divorce. There was no abuse, no OW, no arguments, he just decided one day that the traditional family set up is not for him. He found house, ttc etc suffocating. He told me on a Friday, moved out on Sunday morning. He doesn’t want any contact as he is scared he will waver.

I am working so hard on accepting all of this but it’s not happening. There is something in me that keeps clinging on. I think about it daily, I’m still upset and get teary at the memories. I throw myself into work, diy projects but nothing works.

How do I unlove him?

juwayriyyah31 Sat 04-Nov-17 17:49:20

Aww that is so heart breaking, that's really unusual situation. Maybe he needs time to think about what he wants but going straight for divorce wasn't the best idea . Have you tried to ask him there must be something else, what does he want in life? I would be heartbroken if my husband went just like that.lots of hugs

userxx Sat 04-Nov-17 18:18:48

God, that's awful. How long have you been married for? Have you tried counselling? It doesn't work for everyone but it might help. I can understand why you are finding it so difficult to accept and let go.

Be3Al2Si6O18 Sat 04-Nov-17 18:25:20

You have to accept that he has unloved you.

You have to accept that he has gone.

You have to accept - and this is the most difficult bit - there are 7 billion people on this planet so the chances that he is the only one for you are negligible.

You could start to realise - and it will take time - there is someone else out there.

Work on you. Do not try to attract. Work on you more. Then they will come. Then you choose. There are no timescales for all of this.

Aderyn17 Sat 04-Nov-17 18:36:02

I think no contact is the best way forward. Block him on social media, tell your friends and family not to update you on what he is doing. Just take each day as it comes and don't think too far ahead. You are grieving and that can't be rushed.
What he did is really hard to deal with because nothing was obviously wrong - he just changed his mind. I don't think you can make yourself fall out of love exactly, that will come in time, but I do think that some counselling may help you come to terms with it.

ChunkyKnitCardigan Sat 04-Nov-17 18:36:46

THank you. It was him who initiated divorce. Married only 4 years, together for 12. We are mid 30s. He is blocking all conversation. I know from friends that he has handed in his notice at work (he works in finances) as well as his flat.

I know I have to move on and I want to. But how do I do it on a practical note? I know logically that there is no way back.

I feel anxious all the time and scared for my future.

Aderyn17 Sat 04-Nov-17 18:43:48

Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can do on a practical note apart from avoid him totally (which he is doing to you anyway) and look after yourself - see your friends, even if you don't particularly feel like it, get lots of rest, treat yourself - live your life as best you can. Basically just be kind to yourself and accept that it is totally normal to feel like you do and that you can't rush to the feeling better part. That will come in time.

juwayriyyah31 Sat 04-Nov-17 18:44:57

Op he must be going through some mental issues. It just seems so weird to let go just like that

userxx Sat 04-Nov-17 18:45:04

Ok the first thing I would try to deal with is the anxiety, it's a horrible way to live with that constantly gnawing away. St. John's wort is good, maybe try that? Exercise is also good to make you feel more in control. Are you sorted financially?

ChunkyKnitCardigan Sat 04-Nov-17 19:01:12

Yes it sounds like some sort of mental thing but there is nothing I can do. I told him soon after the split that I am worried about him in this way and he blocked and doesn’t want to talk. I can’t be worries about him as it won’t help me move on. This sounds horrific but I hope you know what I mean.

I am lucky to be fine financially. I have a few good friends. I go out with them etc. and keep busy. I had just hoped that after a year I’d be further along.

Might look into St. John’s wort. A friend recommended 5HTP to me.

Thank you for the responses.

SandyY2K Sat 04-Nov-17 19:03:03

It's hard, but you take it one day at a time and ultimately feel safe in the knowledge that you deserve a man who loves you and that wants the same as you do from life i.e. a family.

Anything less would be settling.

alittlepieceofme Sat 04-Nov-17 19:25:24

I'm sorry you feel like this, this is pretty much how I'm feeling at the moment. My ex and dad to my ds walked out 2 months ago, it was a total shock, it sounds like you are still in shock! I keep hoping that he'll change his mind and come back but deep down I know he won't! I've been going to counselling to help me get through it and if you haven't been I definitely recommend that you go!

I'm totally scared for my future too, I thought I had it all mapped out! The week before he left we were talking about having another baby and getting married and now I'm so worried that by the time I find someone else it could be too late for me to have another baby, or even what if I don't meet anyone else at all!

ChunkyKnitCardigan Sat 04-Nov-17 21:52:04

I am sorry, piece flowers I can relate. I wonder whether I’ll ever have my own children.

BackInTheRoom Sat 04-Nov-17 22:44:32

Yes I can relate, my DH dumped me in a supermarket, drove home and left 20 mins later. I was with him 20 years, married for nearly 18. The DC and I were in total SHOCK. Nobody saw it coming...eventually we found out about the OW, the other younger OW. Rather cliche really. When I say we never saw it coming, looking back he was holding so much resentment. These runaway husband's usually sever their relationship suddenly because they've had enough of being the dutiful husbands and don't want to do the right thing anymore. Google Runaway Husbands, Sudden Endings and Tsunami Divorces. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it's hard. 💐

WhiteDog Sun 05-Nov-17 05:14:39

I think allowing yourself space to grieve is important

Wormulonian Sun 05-Nov-17 09:40:55

For our husband it probably wasn't a snap decision - he had probably been thinking about splitting for a long time whilst carrying on as if all was fine. You need time to "catch up" , to grieve your relationship and come to terms with his duplicity. He has been very cruel. You may need to grieve before you can feel anger for his bad treatment.

Sadly, you have to go through it to get through it. Show yourself a lot of self compassion. You have done nothing wrong and nothing you could have done would have changed things - so don't overthink and beat yourself up. Try to keep very busy - exercise is great (even if it is the last thing you want to do)or doing something you have to concentrate on that will give your poor brain a break.

ChunkyKnitCardigan Sun 05-Nov-17 12:28:20

Thank you, everyone. Not having a good day today. The weather is horrendous so am stuck inside. I think Netflix will be my friend this afternoon. Got a yoga class tonight and looking forward to it.

What you are saying about grieving and catching up with him makes sense. I’m just scared it’ll never gets better.

Copperkettles Sun 05-Nov-17 12:48:03

It absolutely will. A year us nothing for such a big shock. You must be grieving still. Take really good care of yourself and plan as many nice things as you can. No guarantees as to when things will feel easier but you will wake up one day and realise you haven't thought about him in a while.

ChunkyKnitCardigan Sun 05-Nov-17 13:09:47

Thank you, copper. I go between good and bad days; it’s exhausting. Hopefully though the goos days will get more and more.

ChunkyKnitCardigan Sun 05-Nov-17 13:10:02

good even

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 05-Nov-17 13:17:45

flowers be kind to yourself OP. It sounds as though he is walking away from everything in his life, not just you. It’s incredibly hard but as others have already said, he will have been contemplating this for a long time and you are only in the early stages of getting your head around it so give yourself time and patience. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but it sounds as though he handled it honourably - not that that is much consolation I know.

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