Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Divorce - how do people take it?

(19 Posts)
dinnerladies Sat 04-Nov-17 16:05:28

I’ve been married for just over 2 years. For many reasons I have become very unhappy in my marriage. My husbands a nice guy. There’s nothing wrong with him at all but I’m just not happy and living with him, being with him, having to be married to him, I’m finding is really taking a toll on my mental health.

I’ve thought about this for so long but I do think I’d be better off my by myself. Tomorrow I’ll be telling my mum what’s been happening and what I want to do.

So my question is for people who have done this before. How do people around you take it when they find out? Parents, friends etc. I feel hugely embarrassed that this is happening to me especially when people around us think we’re love’s young dream. But unfortunately it is. I have anxiety so even thinking about telling people for the first time is making me feel sick. I don’t want be to pitied or gossiped about but inevitably I know that will happen.

Wh1stles Sat 04-Nov-17 16:12:29

I think part of the reason it's so hard is that society puts so much pressure on us to be in a relationship.

I know that that's why I settled for the relationship with my children's father.

It took a lot of bravery to leave and a lot of that bravery was used up 'facing' people. That's ridiculous. The sorting things out, the financial issues, the relocation, the adjustments, all of those things were either easy or difficult or both on different days. But ''facing'' people at the beginning was very hard. But I've changed now. So that part is all mindset. I think if you view it as a fresh start and freedom and putting a mistake you've learnt from behind you and genuinely feel all of that. If you channel all of that from a really genuine place then when you tell people you're marriage is over and you're starting your life again but from a more authentic place this time, people will take your cue. They may not be totally able to understand but they will pick up on your strength and optimism.

Saying this, I know I played it all wrong! But if I could do it again, I'd work on my own emotions privately before going public. If I'd had more optimism about my financial future then I could have known I'd be fine which would have helped me tell people.

I hope that helps. A bit.

parklives Sat 04-Nov-17 16:32:10

I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out op.
I getting divorced, as understand your feelings about telling other people.
I was scared I would get bitchy comments (from colleagues etc rather than friends).
Actually I have been surprised at the support I have had, I didn’t want to drip feed people so I just told them honestly and most people just accepted it and moved on to the next topic.
I’m a private person and don’t air my grief in public, only to a couple of close friends, but obviously I am hurting about the whole experience, although I am soooooo much happier.
I knew my marriage was shit, but I thought I had compartmentalised it.....obviously not, because even though my future is now non-secure I still in a much better place.

dinnerladies Sat 04-Nov-17 17:31:56

I’m the same as you @parklives I’m not really a very open person. So throughout all this I’ve been smiling at work, in front of family etc. When everyone asks how married life is, saying it’s good and plastering a smile on my face so I know this will come as a shock to people around me.

Also for me - Neither one us have done anything. I’m just not happy. I wish there was an actual ‘reason’ which I could tell people but there isn’t.

I’ve been back and forth mentally and I finally feel like I’ve got the guts to do it and each time I feel like this, the thought of telling people around me makes me not want to do it.

parklives Sat 04-Nov-17 17:51:59

I can completely relate to everything you've said in your post dinnerladies and wh1stles too.

I think most people can relate to being in an unhappy relationship at some point in their lives. My parents stayed in a very unhappy and dysfunctional marriage (due to convention mostly I think) and this in a sad way has helpful to me, its helped me realise that unhappy relationships are not worth staying in til - death - do- you - part.

Society is so much more accepting for divorce, and if you have no children, is so much easier. No-one wants to fail at married, but 50% of people separate, so you're not alone. People who want to judge, let them, I kinda feel that those sort of people are the most likely to be trapped in unhappy relationships and are just jealous of those who have the confidence and freedom to know when to call it quits.

dinnerladies Sat 04-Nov-17 19:35:45

I have a large family and just feel like I’ll be the talk of the whole family.

My Mum and Dad also stayed in an unhappy marriage purely due to the whole ‘what would people say?’ thing and even now they don’t get along brilliantly but it’s just one of those things ‘oh you know what your dads like’. And I knew I never wanted that for my future children.

I’m also not sure if i actually want to divorce DH or if I’m just unhappy for another reason. He hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s a nice guy, literally salt of the earth. But I just don’t feel a spark, not felt it for a while and I don’t understand how it can just have disappeared when my wedding day was the best day of my life. We get along so well. We laugh together daily and some days I’m fine and think we’ll be together forever but other days I feel sad and deep down think it’s just an act. For some reason he’s started annoying me, I’ve become irritable, I don’t want him around me etc. And he shouldn’t be in a marriage like that, it’s not fair on him. But he says he’s really happy with me and we can work on what’s wrong but how do I explain there’s nothing actually wrong per se, it’s just the way I feel.

I’m also worried that this is all me and could potentially happen again with any other partner. That I’ll just ‘get bored’ after a while.

CurlsLDN Sat 04-Nov-17 19:55:58

Hey op, I’m currently going through divorce and feel all the same embarrassment and awkwardness around ‘what will people think’. Ultimately I guess you just have to remember that although it’ll be news for a week, after that they won’t think much about it at all!

As you don’t have a ‘reason’ for divorce I think you will have to seperate for 3 years before you can begin divorce proceedings anyway, so you can just tell people you are separating. (Not sure if 3 Years is right, as my divorce is due to a very tangible misdemeanour on his part, so do look into that so you know how long the process might take you)

dinnerladies Sat 04-Nov-17 20:14:04

@CurlsLDN how did you tell people? I don’t even how I would start. Family is relatively easier. Word would filter down from parents, grandparents etc. Friends I would have to tell myself. Colleagues is the worst - im very close to some work colleagues, enough to class them as close friends, but others not so much. How would it be.. ‘Hey Dinnerladies, nice weekend? Oh not so much, decided to separate from DH’ - god I just couldn’t cope. Anxiety levels would be through the roof.

Your post actually reminded me of an important detail so thanks for that! I’m only religiously married, myself and DH haven’t got round to going to the register office and making it official. Think subconsciously I’ve always put it off. So I wouldn’t have to wait a certain amount of time etc.

God this is starting to feel slightly more real now. I’m spending some time with my Mum tomorrow so planning to tell her then. I haven’t even told DH yet. I feel like I have to tell my mum first so he’ll understand I’m actually serious about what I’ve been saying to him for a while. I have no idea how she’ll take it. I hope she understands where I’m coming from and doesn’t go down the whole route of ‘what will people say?’.

junebirthdaygirl Sat 04-Nov-17 21:03:49

Im not doubting uyou or anything but could you get your own mental health checked out before you say anything to anyone. You menttioned anxiety etc and l would be concerned you will start a ball rolling that will be hard to pull back. Has anything definite happened to build resentment between ye?

bigfatbumfreak Sat 04-Nov-17 21:06:26

I think you are depressed, and i would be very, very careful before doing anything permanent. I would see a GP,

dinnerladies Sat 04-Nov-17 21:11:39

Nothing has actually happened. For some reason I seem to have started resenting DH for historical things. And I mean tiny little things which happened nearly 5 years ago now! Which isn’t fair on him.

Honestly.. I think I am depressed. I don’t know the trigger, I don’t know why I have started to feel this way. I don’t talk about my feelings in real life. Ever. Not that I think people shouldn’t, it’s just something I don’t do. I don’t even know how to go about getting help for this. I’m scared a GP would just give me tablets which I would then become reliant on. And in all honesty, what do I have to be depressed about, I really don’t know. I was so happy with life until recently and I don’t know what has changed.

All I know is, for some reason, I don’t wanna be with my DH. I don’t wanna spend time with anyone socially unless I have to but I’ll gladly go out with friends just so I dint have spend time with DH - god that’s horrible of me.

hellofresh Sat 04-Nov-17 22:23:46

I found people very supportive and not at all judgemental. Divorce is hardly unusual these days. The first question you'll get is the obvious 'Why?', so think about how you want to answer that and how much you want to share or not share.

From reading your OP I'm not convinced the root of whatever is bringing you down is your DH. I watched a very good friend walk away from her DH for similar reasons. Leaving did not make her happy, her issues were within, and she really regretted losing him.

anotherdayanother Sat 04-Nov-17 22:30:40

You di sound like you might be depressed OP. I am not convinced there is a issue with your marriage worth walking away from necessarily.

You need to get some support I think to get to the bottom of this.

Pebbles1989 Sat 04-Nov-17 22:53:08

I emailed my colleagues at the weekend, letting them know what had happened and that I didn't want to discuss it in the office. A few replied with messages of support and all maintained my privacy at work. It was a good way to do it.

dinnerladies Sat 04-Nov-17 23:20:26

Thanks all, I don’t really know how to go forward with this now. I’m really not sure I feel comfortable discussing this with my GP but I guess that should be my first option.

@Pebbles1989 that’s a good idea actually. Saves that awkward conversation.

I don’t know what I’m going to tell my mum tomorrow. I can’t even say the words without feeling sick and crying. And that’s a big deal for me, don’t think I’ve cried this much since I was a baby!

Cricrichan Sun 05-Nov-17 00:20:41

You may just have fallen out of love. It happens. Or the historical issues have always been there in the background but as they ahvent been resolved, it's causing you to feel like this now.

Could you consider a trial separation?

parklives Sun 05-Nov-17 01:50:21

Op, would you consider therapy before you do anything drastic that you might regret.
You mention that you laugh with your dh everyday, I didn’t with mine twice a year!
Could your current unhappiness stem from things other than your marriage?
A few months of individual therapy might help you clarify what you really want.
Your dh also deserves a discussion before you make the permanent move?

OrchidDelight Sun 05-Nov-17 02:27:05

I think you do sound depressed OP. It really comes across as you being unhappy in yourself rather than unhappy with DH.

I think pluck up the courage to visit the GP and perhaps don’t proceed any further with the divorce until you have improved your mental health.

dinnerladies Sun 05-Nov-17 14:52:58

We laugh together because we’re good friends, but as an actual romantic couple, we’re not good at all.

Huge row this morning in which he DH said it’s all me and I should forgive his little mistakes he made which I now resent him for. I don’t even want to be anywhere with him right now but I’m so scared of admitting it in real life. I’ve not managed to get my mum alone today but I’ve got upset quite a few times just thinking about the conversation.

I just want to talk to my mum and tell someone how I’m feeling. I don’t have sisters, and I don’t want to tell my best friend (she is married to my cousin) or close family. I just wanna get it all out once and for all with my mum. I’m so close to her, it’s killing me to have to hide this from her for nearly 18 months.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now