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I am a crap wife

(10 Posts)
physicskate Sat 04-Nov-17 13:25:43

Not really sure what I’m asking for, but here goes:

We’re experiencing infertility. My last (very short lived) pregnancy ended in miscarriage and my due date is approaching in a few weeks. My life is consumed because it’s me. I’m the problem. My husband is fine, physically.

I feel like all I do is moan at him about what a failure I am, how upset I am and how depressed I am. I hate the person all this has turned me into.

I love my husband. He hates (and I mean hates) his job but sticks at it partly because I’ve become so unstable in threatening to jack in my job and partly because it pays fairly well...

I feel like I do nothing but put more pressure on him and it makes me feel like an even shitter person.

How do I go back to who I was before and stop being so depressed about this depressing situation? I literally hate my life, and if it weren’t for dh I probably would have run away from everything by now (I have a history of running from problems)...


DontBuyANewMumCashmere Sat 04-Nov-17 13:41:55

Didn't want to read and run.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have had two MCs this year and have failed to get pg again since the last one so I do understand how painful it is. (I have a 2yo so I feel very lucky already and manage to keep my head above water by reminding myself of this whenever I do feel blue.)

It is normal to feel so bereft after a loss. Unhelpfully I just want to tell you you're not a failure but I know it's not as easy as hearing it and just going Oh Yeah...

Have you spoken to anyone professionally about how you are feeling? Are you still TTC? I have decided to give myself a few months break as I'm sick of it all.
flowers for you lovely x

physicskate Sat 04-Nov-17 13:50:31

I did see a counsellor for a bit. But I’m a teacher and the long hours aren’t compatible. My work is suffering from all this, but that’s a separate issue. It was also getting too expensive for me...

We are still ttc. Due to start my second round of clomid tonight. I have suspected pcos... which they won’t do the blood test for... so it will always remain suspected. I only get so many rounds and I don’t know what the suggested next steps will be when this inevitably fails. And yes, I know I’m verging on irrational...

I feel like a massive fraud. My emotional state is pretty terrible and I hate being such a Debbie downer all the time. I used to be a happy person, really. And now I’m such a misery guts that most of my friends have distanced themselves (or become pregnant and I’ve distanced myself)...

SandyY2K Sat 04-Nov-17 17:55:44

There are a few low cost counselling services available.

Sorry for your loss, but try and be a bit positive.... even if it doesn't work you may have other options. My friend had a baby via egg donation after ttc and using Clomid.

This will probably be little comfort, but where there's life, there's hope ...

I've seen husbands struggle to support their wives who have lost a pregnancy and they feel helpless... as though their wife blames them.... the stress of the can be the death of a relationship.

AutumnRose1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 18:06:32

We are still ttc. Due to start my second round of clomid tonight. I have suspected pcos... which they won’t do the blood test for...

They won't do a simple blood test? Do you think you are perhaps beginning to lose perspective because that sounds hard to believe? PCOS is clear by an internal scan and/or a blood test to determine whether your ovulating etc. This is a very basic first step of fertility tests and treatment. I have had full blown icsi 3 times and have 2 beautiful 1 year olds. Unfortunately there is no place for negativity though. You need to be positive and stay strong. It's gruelling but you will get there.

TailEndCharlie Sat 04-Nov-17 18:38:19

I am a crap wife too. And I was you. And the problem was me. I so know what you are going through. However after a [pretty painful operation my chances of conception went up and after 15 rounds of Clomid I conceived and held on. DD1. Then I had to do the whole shitty shebang again for DD2. It was worth it. And one day it will all be worth it. In the meantime revel in the fact that you can go out on the spur of the moment.... go to the cinema, out for dinner... sodding Nandos, anything. A museum on the weekend. Love the fact that one day soon you wont be able to be spontaneous so love the this bit. And also love the fact that you feeling so unreasonable could be early signs of pregnancy.... You're not crap, we all are. You are doing fine and he loves you. Enjoy the TTC sex!

Appuskidu Sat 04-Nov-17 18:42:28

I'm surprised they have given you Clomid but haven't done a scan or blood test to rule out pcos?

iloveberries Sat 04-Nov-17 20:52:30

Sending you a hug.

Infertility, ttc and loss are so so hard. I’ve been through them all.

Not much advice but I would try and see a counsellor even if you can get some cover at work (can you talk to your head? Some are understanding about MH issues...)

Be open with your hubbie. Tell him how you feel.

Try and take small steps back to your friends. Contact the ones who are pregnant / have babies... tell them you miss them and explain why you’ve been distant. Contact the others and explain why you feel you’ve been bad company. I’m sure lots of them would want to be there for you.

Give yourself a break op and open up to people - there will be lots of them there for you flowers

physicskate Sat 04-Nov-17 21:28:12

I have had all the ultrasounds and massively polycystic ovaries. But that doesn’t always mean pcos. They wouldn’t commit to the diagnosis, even though I have all the signs and symptoms. I don’t know why the doctors won’t commit nor do the fsh and lh blood tests... I’m already stressed about how ineffectual and crap my gp was... but honestly, that history is long and not strictly about my relationship with my husband...

Because of the miscarriages my gp told me to go and have another one before he would run any tests. After already ttc for a year, he told me I’d conceived in a year because of he miscarriages and he refused to help me, despite my begging and tears. I have very little faith in the doctors (including some at the clinic). My long irregular cycles are also indicative I don’t always ovulate.

I talk to dh but he doesn’t say much. There isn’t much to say... I’m worried about becoming ‘that friend’ who is just too much like hard work. I don’t feel like everyone needs to or should know all about my reproduction... so I have told my head as little as possible (just that I needed lots of short notice appointments for my ovulation tracking cycle, but not what the appointments were for). He clearly was uncomfortable about the insinuation.

I basically am just depressed and don’t want to be anymore. How do I get positive without being hopeful? It’s the having hope that kills me... because it has never worked out. Everything about this has been shit. We’ve been together 7 years and we’ve been there, done that with spontaneous nights out... I’m in my mid-30s.

AutumnRose1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 23:22:23

A kind of good thing about polycystic ovaries is that should you need ivf thy won't struggle to retrieve plenty of eggs and if hubby has reasonable swimmers then lots of them will be fertilised and then that's lots of frozen embryos to try. I would recommend the endometrial scratch as that really helped us. I also firmly believe in a positive attitude and taking care of yourself really helps the process (which is easier said than done) but take time for you and hubby with days away and evenings out. Treat yourself to whatever makes you feel good and be kind to yourself with a good PCOS friendly diet i.e. Low sugar, low GI and high fibre. Acupuncture and meditation (Zita West in particular) also helps .

You need to stop referring to yourself as a crap wife as well. That's not helping matters at all and labelling yourself that will have you truely believing it when you are a good person with some medical obstacles in your way that you can overcome in order to have a family.

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