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Help understanding this text please

(92 Posts)
Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 08:13:12

My boyfriend has been a bit distant all week, not messaging as much. I was anxious thinking I had done something wrong or that he'd gone off me. I was trying to relax and give him space by not messaging much. I replied if he messaged me though. On Thursday he messaged me asking me if I was angry with him. I reassured him that I wasn't and apologised for not being in touch much. I said I was just worried about pestering him too much. He said "ok, good. Just had this feeling you were a bit off with me xxx". He then said he'd been having a rubbish week and was getting stressed because he had so much to do and a lot on his mind. We are supposed to be meeting up with my friends and my mum on Saturday for my birthday and it's the first time that he's meeting them. I understand it's a big step and he's got a lot going on so I said if it was going to be too much for him I'd understand if he wanted to cancel. He replied saying that it should be ok and that he wanted to see me. I then said I might go and see Thor in the afternoon before meeting up with my friends and mum and he asked to come with me. He then said he's really anxious about meeting my friends and my mum and I tried to reassure him. I sent him a jokey itinerary for the day, he replied saying "sounds nice xxx". then sent me a photo of him smiling and said he wished I was with him. Then we said goodnight.

Yesterday I heard nothing from him so I sent him a message asking him which showing of Thor suits him best on Saturday with a photo of the times so that I could plan the rest of my day. He read the message but didn't reply, this was really out of character. I was feeling a bit anxious so I sent another message asking him if I'd done something wrong and he didn't read this message.

I've woken up this morning to find he messaged me the following at 04:56:
"No I've just got a lot on atm. Well, a lot on my mind, nothing you've done. Think I just need sometime to unwind xxx"

I've replied saying "ok xxx" because I don't know what to say and I know he'll get anxious if I don't reply.

But I now have no idea how to read or take his message. Does that mean I'm not seeing him today? Is he blowing out my birthday?
I know meeting my mum and friends is a big step which is why I gave him the option to back out but he chose not to and then it was his suggestion for us to go and see Thor together.

I just can't help but think negatively about it. I'm not sure why I'm so anxious and upset. He's always consistent and never lets me down. He will go a bit quiet sometimes but only when work gets on top of him and then he will be even more attentive afterwards.

But I can't see any positive of reading this message, just sounds like he's blowing me out.

TerribleTime Sat 04-Nov-17 08:15:57

Sounds like you are both spending a lot of time worrying about the other's behaviour. Is he quite difficult to communicate with? Would you be able to ring him and ask him what's going on?

Hope it works out for you.

peanut2017 Sat 04-Nov-17 08:25:40

How long are you together? It sounds like he is playing hot and cold a lot. Has he done this before?

If you don’t mind me asking but how old are you op? Sounds very young with the main way of communicating is by text. Do you ever phone each other?

Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 08:27:11

We both suffer from anxiety buthave found that we really get each other so communication is normally great between us. If one of us is anxious we know we can ask the other one of things are ok without judgement.

He's got a really stressful job and is also in the process of dealing with some massive investments on the stock market. He's been stressing because of the amount of risk involved but wants to do it because he's hoping he'll be able to give up work after Christmas if it all works out.

I just don't get him. He had the chance to pull out the other night and chose not to. Now he's sent that message. Part of me wants to say come over any unwind with me but don't worry about staying for my birthday plans but I'm worried about making him feel more pressured.

Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 08:28:30

We text a lot because of his weird working hours. We're both in our 30s. He's always consistent and lovely. Sometimes goes a bit quiet but I do too because we both get bogged down with work sometimes.

Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 08:30:07

Been together a few months. He's told family and friends about me. Recently told me that "I can honestly say I've never felt like this around anyone before" in relation to how he feels for me. Speaks a lot about it future with me in it.

Recently has been even more attentive than normal, this week was unusual

Annelind Sat 04-Nov-17 08:31:48

He is being very selfish being so meh about your birthday plans, which of course you want to run smoothly. I would give him "time to unwind" and carry on with your plans with your friends and family.

There is no excuse for his present behaviour. It sounds like he is rather jealous of the attention you'll be getting - and wants to make YOUR day all about him. Don't make him the centre of your happiness, just have a good day with your friends and family, take the 'power' he has over your day away from him. He either turns up or he doesn't. See Thor with someone else or on your own if he CBA to choose a showing time. Let the manchild see you're not going to be dependent on his whims for enjoyment on YOUR special day.

Happy Birthday! flowers wine cake

CandleLit Sat 04-Nov-17 08:35:01

you probably just need to phone him and have a chat - it will probably put you both at ease.

Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 08:36:49

He's now sent this in response to me saying "ok xxx"

"Thanks for being understanding, means alot. I don't like being like this, but I have my moments, as we all do I guess xxx"

Annelind Sat 04-Nov-17 08:38:22

Having read your other posts, I reiterate - DO NOT make him the centre of your happiness. He certainly isn't thinking about YOURS in this scenario. You seem to be doormatting, bending over backwards to accommodate his whims. Bet he's loving that! STOP. Concentrate on your own plans, your friends and family. Take control over your birthday fun without pandering to this selfish arse.

schoolgaterebel Sat 04-Nov-17 08:40:22

I think you are overthinking things, you need to see each other and spend some time together and give him a big hug and stop worrying about the tone if every text.

dementedpixie Sat 04-Nov-17 08:41:42

Ask him if he's going or not rather than pussyfooting around. If you want a straight answer ask the right questions.

Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 08:51:17

I think he's just freaking out a bit. He's been ridiculously hurt in the past. We had a conversation last month about where this was going and agreed we both really like each other and wanted a future together. He's been lovely since.

Last weekend was a bit intense though. During bedroom activities he kept holding my face and staring into my eyes. Felt like he was in love with me. I think his feelings have just all got too much for him this week.

And I think he's freaked about meeting my mum and friends but doesn't feel able to tell me.

Haven't replied yet as I honestly don't know what to say. Part of me is tempted to go over to his and give him a hug as I know he needs this but I need to get ready for people coming over to celebrate.

Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 08:53:55

Joke is I wasn't that bothered about him coming hence why I said I'd understand if he wanted to cancel to him on Thursday. I'm more upset because he said he was coming and now he's blown me out.

It's my actual birthday on Monday. A flipping huge bunch of flowers had better turn up!

dementedpixie Sat 04-Nov-17 09:41:40

Had he actually said he's not going or are you inferring it from an unclear text? Can you ask if he's definitely not going so you know for sure

LemonShark Sat 04-Nov-17 09:54:31

Tbh in your position I'd be taking a bit of control back here. I wouldn't want him to meet my mum for the first time while in this mood with things weird between us. Partly as you won't enjoy it with it being so tense and he doesn't exactly seem up for it, and partly that this doesn't bode well for the relationship so early on so I'd be wanting to see some improvement in things between us before considering bringing him even further into my life and circle.

I'd send 'it doesn't seem like the best time to be introducing you to my family so I think I'll leave our plans for today and we can catch up in a few days. Hope you feel better soon xx'

Otherwise it looks desperate that you're happy still to have him around when he's being cold and weird with you. Get a bit of self respect and power back, remind yourself it's still early days and you're assessing whether he's right for you or not just as much as he is with you And go have a blast with people who love you, to remind yourself whatever happens with a man you will be fine and are loved and cared about. He's not that important to be stewing this much over.

LemonShark Sat 04-Nov-17 09:55:56

I mean he's said he needs some time to unwind so it's pretty clear he isn't up for meeting your mum or celebrating with you. If you don't take that for what if is you'll come across desperate. Take a bit of control and let him know the plans are off (because you feel it's the right thing!).

TangledSlinky Sat 04-Nov-17 10:01:09

Agree with LemonShark. I'd take some control back and arrange to catch up next week instead.

Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 10:03:31

I don't believe it literally everyone has cancelled on me in the last hour, every one.

It's my first birthday in 3 years where DS2 hasn't been in hospital. My first birthday in 3 years where I've actually been able to make plans and now every one has cancelled.

Sat here in tears

Trailblazer66 Sat 04-Nov-17 10:04:37

Good to know where I stand in the great scheme of things. Even sent the kids to their dad's too so completely on my own all bloody weekend

SparklingRaspberry Sat 04-Nov-17 10:06:23

I couldn't do this

Don't get me wrong I would support my partner 100% if he suffered with anxiety but he'd also have to help himself too.

Anxiety is no excuse to blow hot and cold. I had an ex like this who would do the exact same thing when it came to meeting people and family gatherings etc - I'm aware it can be daunting for some people, myself included! But whenever it was one of his gatherings the anxiety never appeared.

Depression/anxiety etc is no excuse to mistreat somebody. If he didn't have anxiety OP, you (hopefully) wouldn't put up with him doing this so his anxiety shouldn't make his behaviour okay.

Don't sit around judging his texts worrying about whether you've done something wrong. You shouldn't have to wonder whether or not he's gunna attend the plans you've made.

SparklingRaspberry Sat 04-Nov-17 10:07:49

Sorry to see your updates OP. That's awful sad

But don't be surprised if your boyfriend comes over because he'll only be doing so knowing full well he won't have to meet everyone but he'll do so under the pretence he's there to cheer you up.

Elllicam Sat 04-Nov-17 10:09:40

Oh no I’m sorry you are having such a rubbish day. Could you go to the cinema anyway?

MsJolly Sat 04-Nov-17 10:10:32

Oh that is shit.

Can you do something nice for yourself-go see Thor-its fantastic, then some shopping and dinner out? Treat yourself anyway.

And happy birthday 🎉

MyKingdomForBrie Sat 04-Nov-17 10:11:48

Yeah he’s not coming. I think he sounds like a flake who is going to hurt you. Super intense then not able to cope with coming over for preagreed and important plans? That is not the sign of someone emotionally mature enough for a relationship.

He should get his head out of his ass, it’s your birthday.

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