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Tell me i can do this!

(50 Posts)
Bruceishavingfish Sat 04-Nov-17 07:01:13

Long story short is that me and dh have split. 2 weeks ago but living in the same house, due to money. Dh has been emotional and sexually abusive.

The marriage has to be over. Despite his counselling, i cant move on from the past. He thinks I may have cheated. I havent. He thinks I am probably seeing someone now. I am not.

I wish I was seeing someone else. Not because there is someone I want to go out with. But because I am so lonely. My friends have been great but they have their own lives, kids, partners.

We have kids, which is whats getting me through. I also work which is giving me some focus. But i feel over whelmingly lonely. I am mid 30s, a bit over weight, not attractive, not particularly interesting. Have a stupid amount of issues, due to the marriage. I think i will be alone a long time if not forever. I wont get married again etc. I feel like someone has poured lead into my stomach and cant eat. Barely sleep, gone from almost tee total, to drinking a few glasses of wine at night. The pain in my stomach and chest is like a physical pain.

Wierd thing is i think time on my own is what i need. I dont want to be in love or anything. But after 17 years of marriage, the thought of being alone forever its so scary. The thought of living alone is scary.

I am just so scared. A grown woman, terrified. I am on the sofa. Alone. No one to help me feel safe. Please tell me its gets better, that i can do this.

TheWorldIsMyCakePop Sat 04-Nov-17 07:06:00

I can't give you any assurances that it will all be OK, but I was on the wrong marriage and got out and found a good one.

Having lived with the ex while split - it really is hell. Can you make that your first priority to sort? Once your space is your own, while you may still be alone, but you'll feel calmer, able to relax and less lonely as the pretence of being in a marriage is gone.

Good luck!

lanbro Sat 04-Nov-17 07:08:13

You need to get out, someway somehow. Are you eligible for any benefits? Is the house in both names? How old are dc?

You can do this, you canflowers

Bruceishavingfish Sat 04-Nov-17 07:16:25

Thank you both. Just someone replying makes me feel a bit better.

Kids are 7 and 14. I earn about 23k so maybe be eligible. I will have a look. House (mortgage) in both names. I have a little bit in savings. About 1k. Hoping to have more in 2-3 months.

I havent even told my parents yet. They were unsupportive when we split before. I cant see this time being any different.

I just have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to run away. But it doesnt matter where i am. I feel alone. I went to see some friends last night. Felt shit so drove around and came home. The feeling never left.

lanbro Sat 04-Nov-17 07:20:09

What are rents like where you are? I've just separated from h and he is refusing to leave. I've found a rental which I'll hopefully be in within 7-10 days.

If your parents aren't supportive do you have a friend? Your parents should only want you to be happy so if they're don't feel like that forget about expecting them to support you.

23k is a decent wage to support yourself in many areas...

lanbro Sat 04-Nov-17 07:22:47

You only feel so shit because you're conditioned to be unhappy. Once you get out the clouds will lift and I guarantee you will feel like a different woman!

We are lucky that we live in an age where we can do It, there's no stigma, no having to make it work. Find your inner strength, get on rightmove and start making plans!

Bruceishavingfish Sat 04-Nov-17 07:27:20

Rent is really high in this area. I need to be in it for both kids schools. Buying is much more affordable, which is shit because renting means i could get out quicker. I have seen a few houses that i could buy and we have appointments with estate agents this week.

My mum is very controlling. She is awful to my dad and he does whatever he can to try and lessen her impact without actually standing up to her.

TheWorldIsMyCakePop Sat 04-Nov-17 15:33:32

Sounds like tough going. Not sure about the legalities of buying before the financials go through - you might have to check that with a solicitor. Sorry that your parents aren't supportive.

I agree with the fact that you will feel better as time go on; possibly with the benefit of counselling.

Keep talking on MN - always someone here.

Bruceishavingfish Sat 04-Nov-17 15:45:05

Thank you i am terrified of going to counselling. I am sure i will be blamed for not being a good enough wife. Today has been ok. Kids at friends so ended up going into work and catching up on some stuff. Which was ok because at least there was people to talk to.

Taking dd out to the cinema tonight so that will be fun.

I should look at the legalities. I need to start gathering information and facts. And go from there.

NC4now Sat 04-Nov-17 15:50:55

You’ll come to value being on your own in time. I was scared at first, but then I started to realise I’m a better mum when I do it solo, I could have my house how I wanted, watch whatever on TV, etc. But I agree you need to try and live separately.

I’m actually married now but I still do a lot on my own. That’s partly circumstance due to DHs job, but also choice.

It’s early days for you, and your self esteem will be pretty low at the moment. Once you’ve done it a while you’ll be proud of what you can do. No-one else gets a share of the credit when you’re a single mum 😊

OnTheRise Sat 04-Nov-17 15:54:16

Thank you i am terrified of going to counselling. I am sure i will be blamed for not being a good enough wife.

That's not how counselling works.

You get to talk about the things you are worried about, and you learn how to understand them and cope with stuff better. A good counsellor is not judgemental or blaming, not at all. They're supportive and compassionate and helpful. Don't let this put you off counselling, it can be brilliantly helpful.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Nov-17 17:11:50

Don't be worried about going it alone with your kids. You will find peace and the freedom to do and say what you want without walking on eggshells.

This is going to sound weird but let yourself feel lonely, it's a phase you go through to then become happy in your own skin again in my experience.

Work is a great focus as is the kids but also focus on you and your health and well being. Don't underestimate the positive impact of exercise on your mental health. Even something gentle like yoga or swimming.

Best wishes to you, get the legal ball rolling with divorce and I hope you find a your new house, your new life and some peace.

Bruceishavingfish Sat 04-Nov-17 17:12:55

Thank you both. I will hopefully learn to be ok with this.

I know thays not what counselling is, but i have spent 17 years blaming myself. Its hard to get out of the habit.

I am looking forward to tonight and spending time with dd. Its the first time i have looked forward to something in a while.

Bruceishavingfish Sat 04-Nov-17 17:15:19

Sorry cross posted with you jeaux90.

You are right. I need to go through being lonely. I have felt so smothered for years. I should try and embrace being alone.

Thank you for the kind wishes.

This thread has given me hope that some people, somewhere, care.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Nov-17 17:18:45

Lots of us care, many of us having walked in your shoes. You are being really brave, you will succeed x

NC4now Sat 04-Nov-17 17:22:17

I found the internet an absolute lifeline in my newly single Mum days. People are mostly kind.
Just make sure you build up your real life support network too.
I don’t know if you’re a going out type —I am— but when it’s tough, the prospect of a night out at the weekend, while DCs are with their dad, keeps me going.

Glad you’ve got a nice evening to look forward to.

TwitterQueen1 Sat 04-Nov-17 17:25:17

I promise promise promise things will get better when you are out of current living arrangements and apart. Not all at once, and not immediately. It will be really, really hard. BUT you will get there and you WILL discover that actually you are strong enough and that life will get better for you. Believe it because it's true and tell yourself this in the mirror every morning! Good luck!

swingofthings Sat 04-Nov-17 17:26:34

What you feel is TOTALLY normal and what almost all people have experienced after a separation. It is hard and the fear is inevitable.

The reality is that almost everything find that they cope a zillion time better than they had anticipated, and that they do feel more empowered and are ok. Life is full of events we don't control. You might never meet someone else, but you might also be just awaiting to meet the true love of your life. You don't have to be beautiful and very young for that, it can happen to anyone at any age.

What you need to do is focus on the present. Take each day as they come and aim to get through it rather than thinking of the future, it will get easier each day.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Nov-17 17:26:43

NC makes a good point. Being a single mum it's important to have some support and a social life. Work is a good social life source.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Sat 04-Nov-17 17:52:51

Hope you are okay. I'm going through similar and it is so so lonely. We are also living together even though I've told OH I don't love him. I've booked a counsellor and I'm going by myself. I've done couples counselling and he wasn't honest so no point. Glad you have an evening to look forward to.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 05-Nov-17 06:00:19

Good morning.

Thank you all. I feel loads more positive this morning. Last night was good. It was lovely to get out with dd.

There is a night out next friday. I wasnt going to go. I have no idea what to wear so thought i just wouldn't go. But i will go.

Stbex is having the kids. But i suspect he will put a spanner in the works. So may need to organise a back up.

Thanks again, for all your kind words.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Sun 05-Nov-17 06:17:18

Good morning op. Glad that you're feeling a bit better today. I just want to second what pp said about counselling. I had the same dread that you do, I blame everything on myself and not being good enough. I went to counselling and it was so helpful. No judgment or negativity. They helped me think about things in a different way and gave me some great techniques to help with my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. It isn't for everyone but is definitely worth thinking about.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 05-Nov-17 13:52:34

I am seriously considering counselling.

I have been to my aunties. She is close in age to me and lent me some clothes to go out in friday night. She was really great and just listened and hugged me. She has told me that i can always stay there if i need to get away.

Feels great to talk to someone, in RL, and have someone who wants to help me.

NC4now Sun 05-Nov-17 14:08:36

Definitely go on the night out. It doesn’t matter what you wear. You need to be saying yes as much as you can so you don’t become isolated.

Glad you’re feeling a bit better today.

NC4now Sun 05-Nov-17 14:09:03

Your aunt sounds lovely 😊

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