So called debate

[DaisyRaine90]

Every day my partner wants to debate something I do (slim fast, sweeteners, phone use etc.) and then when he attacks it and I take it personally he has a go at me for being over emotional.

I just don’t want to debate my life choices.
I’m on day 2 of stopping smoking (longer than he’s ever gone and I’ve stopped multiple times but struggle to stay stopped). I am starting C25K this week. And yes my diet could be better. I do use my phone a fair bit as I don’t get much opportunity to socialise being at home with 2 kids.

He eats badly, smokes etc. And then judges my life choices. I don’t know what to do with all his unsolicited advice. I find it very upsetting. I just want to wake up and drink my artificially sweetened drink in peace FFS

[Shoxfordian]

Break up with him then you don't have to hear his constant "advice"

[DaisyRaine90]

How can I get him to stop “advising” me and “debating” with me and understand it upsets me? I don’t want to break up with him he just wakes up with a bit between his teeth every day.

I know he’s concerned about my health, but he won’t take my advice ever about anything so I’m sick of it

[Notreallyarsed]

Tell him if you want his “advice” you’ll ask for it and if he doesn’t shut up he can find the front door and leave through it.

[Biddylee]

Say you are making changes that you feel you need to, at the pace you need to go at and you don't need his input if it is going to be negative. Telling him the criticism isn't working - it just make you feel like he is bad company and that he doesn't recognise why you might do these things and how you are making changes.

This is about defining your boundaries. If he don't like it, please get rid of him.

[AuntLydia]

He sounds awful. He's constantly putting you down and undermining you. What kind of redeeming qualities can he possibly have to make you want to put up with this nonsense?

[Changedname3456]

I suspect he’s actually aware that he needs to make the same changes to his life but doesn’t want to, so he’s trying to sabotage your efforts.

It’s a rut you and he have gotten in to, but he’s scared of change (or maybe just of the effort required to make that change). There’s noting unusual about that. Lots of men and women act like this, pretty much all the time. Try getting your co-workers to shift away from a long established working pattern. I guarantee there’ll be a big chunk of them who’ll resist and drag their feet, even if you clearly demonstrate the benefit of the new method.

IMO all you can do for the moment is grit your teeth and make the changes you’ve committed to. Hopefully he’ll see the financial, emotional and health benefits it has on you and that’ll help him get over his reluctance to change.

Or it won’t, but by then you’ll be in a much better place... despite him.

[Desmondo2016]

A man who wants to make you feel good about yourself will not accidentally make you feel bad about yourself.

He's more about making himself feel good.

[DaisyRaine90]

*Notreallyarsed
*
😂
Apparently he won’t leave because “every time he makes my coffee wrong I threaten to break it off”

It’s never been coffee but I should probably not call wolf 🐺

[DaisyRaine90]

AuntLydia

It’s just in the morning (he’s a morning person and I’m not) and he wants a debate but always about something that affects me. If I say something to him I’m “nagging”
If He does he’s “discussing” “debating” or “advising”

🙄

[category12]

How about "I'm not going to discuss this with you" and walk away?

[Aderyn17]

He sounds exhausting. But I do think ypu need you say what you mean and mean what you say - don't threaten to leave him unless you are actually willing to do it if his behaviour doesn't change.

I am struggling to see why you are in this relationship - he doesn't listen to you, criticises, belittles and sabotages.

[stinky81]

'I'm not interested in discussing anything ever my diet/phone use/smoking with you. If I want your advice, I'll ask.'

And repeat.

[Shoxfordian]

You're "nagging" but he's "advising"?

Is he like this with all women or just you? (Misogyny)

[DaisyRaine90]

In some areas but only if he thinks it’s bad for my health or is affecting the family.

Eg. The phone I could be speaking to kids instead and use it less so I don’t neglect other areas of my life (eg. Housework)
Slim fast I should be eating real food not fake food
Sweeteners could be causing weight gain not loss and are bad for you so might be making me ill

I think he thinks he’s educating me and advising me (or that we are having a discussion and chat) but I don’t think he’s considering my feelings

[Ellisandra]

What's the point of him?

He sounds like a total arsehole.

[Ellisandra]

(even though I agree with his opinion of Slimfast and sweeteners )

[category12]

How about "talk to the hand" and leaving the room?

[MaybeDoctor]

I think that you have to do things at your own pace and in your own way.

On the other hand, don't tie yourself to a habit that is going to make you ill (ultimately) just because he is being a pain in the butt about you stopping.

Well done on day 2 of stopping smoking. Have you tried e-cigs or Allan Carr?

[WellThisIsShit]

I’ve seen loads of threads on Mumsnet asking how to just make their dp ‘get’ that they shouldn’t do x.

In fact, I’ve written some like that too :)

But, it’s missing the point. You cannot get your partner to magically see and care that his behaviour is upsetting you. If this is an ongoing thing, and you’ve told him before that it upsets you, or that it’s not the kind of behaviour that happens in a loving relationship, well... sorry to be harsh but, he already knows, he just doesn’t want to stop doing it.

Either he just doesn’t care about you enough to change, or he’s getting a kick out of it and prioritises his desire to make you feel small above your desire to have a supportive loving partner.

So, don’t tolerate it, or accept that this is who he is and that’s what a relationship with him will be like.

Don’t cry wolf and mess around pretending that you’ll dump him as a way to manipulate him. Firstly, it doesn’t work! Secondly it destroys your relationship and thirdly, it teaches him that he’s in control as you’d never really dump him, no matter what he does... so, you have no power, and he ends up with all the power.

Please don’t think that you just have to find the right way to speak so he can hear you. It’s not that he can’t hear you.

[DaisyRaine90]

I mean it when I say it so maybe it’s not crying wolf but not following through with the wolf

[Ellisandra]

You don't mean it though.

[lookatyourwatchnow]

He sounds like a dickhead

[Zaphodsotherhead]

How does he react if you don't listen? What would he do if you listened to his side of the debate, shrugged, said 'meh', and walked away, or refused to engage at all?

Because I think the answer to that question will tell you what sort of man he is. If he gets angry that you won't 'do as he says' then it's unfixable and you need to leave. If he's coming from a place of love and caring about you, he will maybe change his approach. But I suspect he's the kind who just has to know best and likes to lecture.

[DaisyRaine90]

Yes but when I say it I do. I have made him pack his bags and we have discussed who would have the baby over an argument about breastfeeding 🙄

So yeah, this is a recurring pattern.

I just spoke to him and said “look, you know I’m crap in the morning so if you want a debate wait until I’ve had my coffee at least of in the evening when kids are in bed, I will always act emotionally when I’ve just woken up”

He apologised and said “Sorry I know I’m a dickhead thanks for putting up with me” 😂

Men 🙄

I should just not rise to it then I’m sure it would stop soon enough