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Struggling can anyone offer any comfort or advice please?(6 Posts)
Hi all I am really struggling at the moment so can anyone offer me the wisdom of experience or some comfort?
I have posted on here previously about the demise of my 11 year marriage due to my STBXH online activities/sexting/hookups etc.
So to summarise after discovering for the first time in 2014 I had given it three more chances. After a fresh start house move and my becoming ill he continued to do his online stuff so 5 weeks ago I left and filed for divorce. The house sold in a week and I left the family home, sold all my stuff and made a new start in a rented flat.
Everything has been going really well and I have been on MN a lot but have been truly saddened at the amount of posts similar to my own, which has awoken my own situation very much.
I consider myself lucky that my son is 20 (so many people on here with young children) so I can have life very much on my terms.
I have joined a gym seen friends and had a lot of fun, as I realise now that I have not really been in love with STBXH for about a year, but really needed to leave when I was ready.
I had a couple of bad days sorting out practicalities did a bit of grieving and felt happier and healthier than I have in years, knowing in my heart that it was really for the best....
So I have met a guy for lunch. I have known him for a couple of years and we have kept in touch throughout. There is a connection there so we met up and talked and laughed for over 7 hours. We flirted and then he told me that he dont like games he is very attracted to me and cant understand why my STBXH would risk losing me. He said that he understands I am vulnerable and will not pressure me and just treasures my time and the fact I make him laugh and he feels comfortable and feels so happy when he is with me.
Now - this is bringing up al kinds of feelings for me. As in why could I have not met him in six months time?? As an ordinary 46 year old woman I appreciate that the dating pool is limited and I see this an an opportunity (not a relationship as I clearly not ready) but it seems unfair. He makes me feel great ge texts when he says he will, he is NORMAL and is sincere not all predatory or just after a quick one.
This is all very confusing for me and I have been weeping today as why could not my STBXH have treated me like that, actually just with kindness and be attracted to me??
I feel guilty in a way and the new guy is just so nice. I am not used to nice or to be listened to or to be made to feel attractive etc..
I have been thinking of all the nice stuff right at the beginning of my marriage. Like when I nearly died and was in hospital for weeks. STBXH walked for miles in the snow to visit me everyday and other memories which are so painful now I can barely recall.
Is this the last of the grieving process? I am asking for advice as my BF is abroad, my other friends are ill/ busy and my Mum is just relieved I finally walked away from the whole mess. I told her about new flirtation and she just said have fun and dont over think t happy that I seem to have finally moved on and will not be returning to the dysfunctional marriage that dragged on for too many years.
Can anyone offer any insight??
Have fun but also remember that most relationships start off wonderfully like that.
It's very raw still op. I am two years on and I still have days when I feel angry or sad about how my exh's treatment of me went from loving to so painful and dismissive.
It's all part of grief and I don't think it's worth being afraid of. Life is long and full of so many contrasting experiences. Our hearts and minds can struggle to take them all on. That's natural and human.
I met my current DP very soon after the split and over the past year we have been properly serious and very in love and recently there have been a few occasions when he's said something really lovely and I've responded by bursting into tears! Because I am so relieved and grateful I have him in my life, to the point of welling up, but the same time I'm angry and sad that I used up so many precious years accepting cruelty from my ex.
Mixed emotions! If those two words aren't the epitome of mid adulthood, I'm not sure what else could be.
Let your feelings occur and don't let them spook you too much. Walk lightly in all things, remember how temporary and fragile love can be, be grateful for the present moment. And you will be fine.
I hope you find your peace and enjoy life.
I don’t know if this is relevant, but when sentiment pushes its way to the forefront of my mind and affects my decisions (such as decision to leave a partner or guilt in starting a new relationship) I highlight it in my head as history, yes that happened, yes that was lovely, but it is a memory and no it won’t affect the present. It’s hard but it has helped me feel more at peace.
I hope my jumbly contribution is appropriate!
Thank you both that is very insightful and reassuring and said very well. Yes I think slowly is the best way. I do feel like I have wasted so much time already. But you right I can see that I do deserve some happiness finally. When you love someone completly the final letting go is so hard and bittersweet it brings up a lot of raw emotions that I thought were done with. I can see now I loved him very much at one time and how ever much I delete photos and purge belongings I cant erase everything. Wish I could though. Thank you both and I so glad things worked out for you bees.
Thanks Lavender that is also a useful tip too! I fed up with suffering the last 3 years been hell and it seems both good and bad memories seem to overwhelm me at the moment. I was with STBXH a long time and it is just that now. History. I not wanting to go back but struggle to understand why it was only temporary. I thought he was the one I got old with creating a new future exciting though it is is hard when you got one foot in the past....
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