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I don't want to be in the relationship but I'm not strong enough to walk away

(16 Posts)
Amberhill Fri 03-Nov-17 18:12:44

Can anyone identify? It's stupid isn't it... why can't I just get on with my life ?

Anecdoche Fri 03-Nov-17 20:21:54

people general choose the thing they hate or fear the least.

so for whatever reason you want to stay more than you want to leave.

fear of the unknown is a common cause but there are many.

you need to think about why you fear leaving and see if you can change that.

loveyoutothemoon Fri 03-Nov-17 22:16:52

List all the things you don't get (but want) from your relationship and think about whether you could get all that with someone else.

What is holding you back, kids?

Amberhill Fri 03-Nov-17 22:17:37

I just don't want to be alone. Really scared of that.

loveyoutothemoon Fri 03-Nov-17 22:30:19

Don't be scared of being alone, do you have family and friends nearby?

I was scared of being alone when I left my DH, (and I had the added worries of effects on the kids) but I'm the most settled I've ever been and never been happier. Which would you rather have a lifetime of unhappiness and being unsure, or a satisfied life feeling at ease?

Amberhill Fri 03-Nov-17 22:31:13

No, and even if I did, it's not the same.

Anecdoche Fri 03-Nov-17 22:34:36

what is frightening to you about not having a partner ?

and you would rather be with someone who doesnt make you happy than be single for a time with the possibility of finding someone who does make you happy?

when you are more miserable in the relationship than you are afraid of being out of it you will leave. until then you are trapping yourself with your fear. and that is very sad.

dancingqueen345 Fri 03-Nov-17 22:38:09

I feel you, I walked away a month ago and I’m sick to death of being told that I’m lucky because I have friends and family around me (I realise it’s said with good intentions).

F&F don’t cook dinner with you, or binge watch GoT, or cuddle you in bed.

It was my decision but it scares me so bloody much, I’m constantly questioning whether I did the right thing, and if I’m alone in 10 Years how much I’ll regret my decision now.

Sorry, probably not helping!

McBounty Fri 03-Nov-17 23:18:17

I get it.

I'm currently in a marriage I desperately want out of, but I am not strong enough.

Garlicansapphire Fri 03-Nov-17 23:26:52

Oh its really sad to be afraid of being alone. You need to get good at being on your own before you choose to be with someone and give up your independence.

I've been divorced for 10 years and had relationships on and off. But I'm mostly on my own. Whats to fear? If I cant sleep at night I go and get a cup of tea and listen to music, if I feel like it I spend all day in bed watching movies, I eat when I like, go where I like, see my friends, take up new hobbies, make all my own choices. Sometimes I'm lonely - but you know what - it can be just as lonely being unloved in a relationship. Choose for yourself and live the rest of your life as you want it - we only have one life on this earth so why not invest as much as possible in the here and now than wasting it unhappy. Find the strength....

bluemoon79 Fri 03-Nov-17 23:54:38

I'm the same. Yesterday I found some writing I did in 2015 about how unhappy I was, 2 years later still here. Husband tries his best, does loads for us and a lot of people would love to be where I am but I just can't love him anymore. I'm miserable around him. I want to leave too, 2 young children and not a lot of money myself so don't have the guts.

Amberhill Sat 04-Nov-17 10:30:29

I don't believe I would meet anybody else. I'm too old, too ugly and too useless. Its like being in a job you hate but knowing you'd never persuade anybody else to employ you.

Anecdoche Sat 04-Nov-17 10:56:23

what about the person you are with would you miss? which part of their treatment of you can you not be without?

you can be happy single. there is a lot of life out there. but you need to let go of this idea that your happiness is held in the hands of anyone except you.

Amberhill Sat 04-Nov-17 10:58:09

I think being happy when single is very, very difficult.

I feel I shouldn't say that but it's honestly what I think.

Anecdoche Sat 04-Nov-17 11:05:53

it's how you feel. nothing wrong with saying that.

different people feel differently.

i look back on my single days longingly sometimes 😁 i was very happy. just myself to please. nobody else's demands. it was a really good, selfish, fun time.

it is a shame that you are going to waste the rest of your life in an unhappy relationship but if it is what you feel you prefer then you have to do what you feel will make you less unhappy.

i hope that you change your mind because you deserve more than to trap yourself in a bad relationship just for the illusion that you are not alone.

because in truth you are more alone in a bad relationship than you ever are single.

Annelind Sat 04-Nov-17 11:08:11

I think being with someone who doesn't appreciate you must be very, very difficult.

Happily single for over 30 years, having been married, LTR etc; now have a FWB thing going on so my needs are met. When they aren't - NEXT!

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