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Wtf is my mum playing at?!

(16 Posts)
ChocolatePHD Fri 03-Nov-17 17:03:20

Hi all

I've posted before about my troubled relationship with my mother. Main recent thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3047315-Therapist-wants-me-to-see-my-mum-but-I-dont-want-to

But anywho, I wrote to her on email two weeks ago getting everything off my chest, telling her that I cant get past the childhood abuse that she turned a blind eye to, and that she affects me so much and she just doesn't see what she's done. I told her that because the relationship between me and her is a mess that realistically she can't have a relationship with my ds (who she is gaga over). I told her that I can't move forward with a relationship with her currently (and doubtfully, ever) because of how I feel.

Two weeks later I've had no reply.
And today we got back from the school run to find she had been round to our house and stuck a wrapped present through the door for ds, containing a load of sparklers. Wtf!

So no reply to my long emotional email, but this instead. I don't understand!? She also sent him a card with lots of 'darlings' and 'love' and some money in it a few weeks back. hmm

I keep feeling so shitty in myself. Beating myself up and feeling low. I don't need this confusion and random stuff coming through my letterbox as well.

gamerchick Fri 03-Nov-17 17:09:45

Send it all back to her. The best thing would be to chuck in the bin but she needs to know ignoring your pain isn't going to happen.

Put a note in saying anything else she shoves in the letter box will be given away or donated and then just cut contact.

Could you move in the future maybe, put an end to it once and for all?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Fri 03-Nov-17 17:10:20

I am nc with my dm, she was a shit one. She was an over compensating gm - but critical and judgy, and all the bad dm qualities she had.
We have done the letters thing, the guilt trips, the nc is the agreed solution though I know she would prefer otherwise. She puts cash in my bank and sends a cheque at Christmas /school hols. She sends it to make her feel better, I accept it because it makes my life (and dc) financially easier. They know she sends cash, they accept she isn't who they +her believe her to be.
Life has moved on, nc for 5 years and before that 12 years.
Nc is def recommended.
flowers

ChocolatePHD Fri 03-Nov-17 17:20:51

Thank you. It seems we are going to be NC, we were already VLC but seeing as she keeps making these emotional plays for my son (or whatever this shit is) and not respecting my feelings/ responding to them then it has to be the end.

We have thought about moving away but a) we can't really afford to and b) ds is v settled at his school etc. But yeah not living here would be so much better!

PovertyPain Fri 03-Nov-17 17:28:41

She's saying "fuck you, you don't dictate our relationship, I do". She is also hoping that if she doesn't respond, then you'll forget about it. In short, she's a selfish fuck that refuses to acknowledge the abuse.

ChocolatePHD Fri 03-Nov-17 19:25:00

I've just had a very long emotional email from her. She has batted away many events that happened saying she doesn't remember them. She says she was scared of my stepdad (bollocks). She has flatly denied being judgemental and critical of people. She has written a long paragraph about how she thinks our relationship problems shouldn't come in to her seeing my son, and that he must be very confused and miss her a lot (he barely ever mentions her). Lots and lots of emotion about missing him.

Since I read it it's like a mist came down around me. I feel like screaming and slitting my wrists all at once. So much frustration and sadness and this fucking decision whether to end things had to be on my fucking shoulders. I can't bare it. I'm so sorry to my ds for being so consumed with this, much as I've tried to hide it. I'm so sorry for everything, everyone would be better off without me.

Nainer123 Fri 03-Nov-17 19:45:13

Are you saying you want to kill yourself?

RandomMess Fri 03-Nov-17 19:50:43

Reply to her if you want I would suggest “sorry that you feel that way, I do not believe your excuses and you are no longer welcome to have a part in my or my DS life”

Aussiebean Fri 03-Nov-17 19:53:53

You told her that unless she acknowledged the abuse, you would go I contact. She has decided to ignore, justify and guilt trip you.

She has choosen nc with you by refusing to deal with the problem.

She has made her choice. Time you to block her on everything and concentrate on your recovery.

Xflowers

ChocolatePHD Fri 03-Nov-17 19:54:13

I feel like I can't take the pain of this anymore but I wouldn't dessert my son. Or hubby.

That's an excellent reply. I know that this has to end now. So I guess that's helpful. But oh so sad. I feel like I've ruined her life forever.

Aussiebean Fri 03-Nov-17 19:54:20

no contact

Aussiebean Fri 03-Nov-17 19:55:31

You have not ruined anything.

She had made choices all her life, and now she reaping what she sown.

RandomMess Fri 03-Nov-17 19:57:56

She ruined it, you gave her the opportunity to try and resolve it, she CHOSE not to flowers

Nainer123 Fri 03-Nov-17 19:59:47

Thank God. I was worried there for a second. I agree go no contact. You have your own little family to worry about and sound like you don't need the added stress.

You haven't ruined anything your mum is an adult who made her choice.

DaisyRaine90 Fri 03-Nov-17 22:04:51

Sounds like my mother. I’m NC
My counsellor told me to only see her again if I have no reservations and I have a million.

That’s shelved for now.

Just wish the NC hadn’t caused all my siblings to turn on me

ChocolatePHD Fri 03-Nov-17 22:12:12

Thank you for the support.

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