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Anxiety over where I live(18 Posts)
This is not a conventional problem, so I will apologise in advance if I sound over complicated, but here goes.....
Was married to a very controlling woman for 18 years and had 2 children (now 12 and 15). About 8 years ago she decided she wanted to move 500 miles away from where we had our life, family and friends to be near her family in a very remote part of Scotland. I agreed to this as the marriage was on the rocks and I was wanting to try anything to save it. After being up here for about two years she ended the marriage much to my and the whole families sadness. I treated them all very well and left them with a mortgage free house and a generous monthly payment to support my dear children. Sadly my ex made it increasingly hard for me to see my children and I am now a victim of parental alienation by not being allowed any meaningful contact with my children for a year now. I have bought a wee house in the small village in which we live 2 minutes away from the kids. I like the village where I live and would love to start again here however I just feel so isolated and paranoid about my situation that I do not know what to do. I have since met a new partner myself who is lovely. We have a great relationship and I can see us making a life for ourselves together. The problem is that she lives 35 miles away and I know that at some point soon a decision will have to be made about where we live. I don’t really like the town she lives in and certainly don’t know anyone there, however It is also unrealistic to expect my DP to move up to my small village where my ex wife lives.....
As an added confusion, I am very close to my parents and sibling 500 miles away back home and often wonder if I should just move back as I often get homesick, however that would put me further away from kids if and when I can see them again and also my DP. I hope this makes sense and would love some outside perspective as it is causing me a great deal of anxiety, especially with Xmas looming again.
Well, if you're looking to live with your new partner, you should make the decision jointly as to where you live.
With regards to your children, I don't know how the law works but presumably there's scope for weekends or half terms, holidays together even if they aren't right on your doorstep?
She has poisened them against me for absolutely no good reason and they are saying they do not want to see me. In Scotland the law is different in that we have a separation agreement in place and naively i did not put a clause in about access as I trusted my ex at that point. I have spoken to solictors and there is a very slim chance atm for me no matter how much money I throw at it (not that I have much these days) It is where I live and the home sickness that is my worry
Sorry for asking the bleeding obvious OP but why weren’t you in court for a child arrangements order within a gnats fart of being refused contact. ? Why on earth have you left it a year ??
If I was your child and you hadn’t made any court effort to fight for contact I would assume you weren’t bothered. A narrative that is probably already being fed them and quite hard to dispute as things stand. !
I do get frustrated by dads who allow themselves to be dicked around like this. It costs £212. You have to do mediation first. (Well you have to ask for mediation and get the form signed that you’ve done it and got an agreement for the court to rubber stamp - or she’s refused in which case you have a hearing.
On the basis you are no form of welfare threat to your children the starting point for contact is 50/50 although the ages of your children will mean they will have some say .
Stop wringing your hands and get on with it. If you’ve got money then get a lawyer to sort it for you. Considerably more than £212 but easier if you are not familiar with the system.
You still need to get into court and ask the judge to order contact. You are still 50 % of their parents !
Post in legal there are some very knowledgeable solicitors there familiar with Scottish Law.
Doing nothing just reinforces the stories they are being told.
I have tried mediation and she refused. Thats what kicked all this off as she hates compromise. Solicitor says if it goes to court, the judge will make a decision based on the kids wishes due to their age. They have to fill out a form asking for what they want as this is ultimately what hols sway. The forms are sent to the house. Who do you think is sitting with them when they fill out the forms.....?
My problem I would like help on referring to op is more about where to live as the subject of access to kids is another story
So you didn’t bother going to court ? Come on OP ! Do you honestly think that any judge is going to refuse you contact. ? Do you honestly think that the family courts have never come across parental alienation and manipulation. ?? Sounds to me like you e given up.
The answer to you question is tied up in this. If you aren’t bothered to fight for the dcs then why bother staying in the village
Yes, I’ve just re read your post. You separated when they were 6 & 9 . At a time when there thoughts and wishes would not carry weight in a court. So instead of going to court to get contact, you just walked away. No wonder they believe you aren’t interested.
Either grow a pair and get in to court and fight for your children or give up and move with your girlfriend. Just stop hanging around the village like some ghost at the feast - wringing your hands and doing nothing.
I’m sorry that you have no contact with your children.
I don’t think it is as simple as you being ‘a victim of parental alienation’, for a start it would be the DCs which were, but it does seem even by your own outline there has been contribution on both sides; her in frustrating contact and you in prioritising buying houses and giving generous maintenance over seeking to enforce contact in court when they were young.
That is all the past now. Firstly you need to respect how the DCs feel now, no matter how they came to feeling how they did. I think you should however make it clear to them that you are still there and still wanting to see them.
Moving out of the village would send the message that they are not wanted.
I think if you have kids then whoever you date should accept that they come first. If your DP has reasons to not be able to move to your village then I think it would be preferable for you to end that relationship rather than move further away from your kids TBH.
At some point they will want to explore a relationship with you, if you move away for a partner then that would be another message to confirm you aren’t that bothered about them.
My children are in no doubt that i want to see them....i have been doing everything within my power to maintain a relationship with them, but if their mother does not let them near me and at the same time is poisioning their minds about me, there is little I can do. I will not go round and cause a scene which will end up distressing them. I love my DP very much and she cannot be ‘finished with’ just like that....
What exactly have you been doing, when you refer to doing 'everything in your power' to maintain a relationship with them?
Well, err yes she can quite frankly. If it is a choice between your dp and your dc.
You must surely be aware that your dc would see you moving away to be with her as a clear statement that you have chosen her over them? Your ex would dine out on that for an age if she is poisoning them against you...
You must surely see that?
Also as a grown man with children on the cusp of adulthood you surely realise that a relationship with a partner is conditional on you being compatible? No matter whether you love the person or not, no matter whether they are lovely or not, if your needs become incompatible then you need to end it... conflict with your relationship with your children is obviously a MASSIVE incompatibility.
If you are actually here seeking permission to abandon your DC because your ex is difficult and move away with your GF I doubt you will get it here but if you feel the relationship with your GF is more important then crack on, you only need your own permission, but you will have to deal with your DC’s feelingngs about it eventually...
If your dc wanted to see you their mother would find it hard to stop them at 12 and 15....
If you are in remote Scotland they are probably travelling a hug distance for high school aren’t they? Why would they not be able to just come to your house under their own steam?
And no matter the reason for it, if they have negative feelings about you, then you will need to try and account for those feelings at some point to them, without badmouthing their mother...
How would you square ‘doing everything in my power’ to see them and moving away to live with your GF? That won’t wash as an explanation to them when they eventually ask you...
Your issue is moving with your DP.
You dont likevthe town where she is. Have you asked her what she think about the village you are in?
If she doesn’t like it, then the best is to choose somewhere in between that you both like.
35 miles isnt that far. Certainly not the same than 500 miles!
Re moving back home. I wouod only do that if you have no other choice (nit just homesick but getting depressed etc...) and you are happy to give up on your current DP.
As for the dcs, I have no idea what the Scottish law says. I suspect most people on this thread who go on about Courts etc don’t know either. Yes u have a choice to make about how much effort and money you are happy to put to see your dcs again. And how much you can put. Sometimes, there just isn’t a lot.
One question worth asking is whether the lawyer you saw was actually a good one or not. Get different opinions from different lawyers.
And find a way to keep in touch with your dcs, a card and a present for b’day and Christmas. A text from time to time etc....
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