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Please help me think this through

(11 Posts)
Sofia86 Fri 03-Nov-17 15:32:03

I'm hoping that people here can give me some unbiased advice, and maybe some thoughts on questions I should be asking myself.

So, about two months ago I met someone, at the vet with his cat. We got chatting and hit it off immediately. He asked me if I'd like to go out for a drink and my feet haven't touched the ground since. This guy seems like the real deal; tall, handsome, funny, really well mannered, and just a couple of years older than me. He's thoughtful, makes me feel special and we have loads of interests in common. He has a great job that he loves, has a couple of degrees, speaks French fluently and plays the piano really well. Oh and the icing on the cake is that he seems financially stable, has a very nice house and drives a two seater sports car. In between the dinners out, concerts and visits to the cinema, we've met up with some of his friends to do things at the weekend and he's as natural with them as he is with me. None of them have a bad word to say, just that they're happy that he's found someone. Chatting with his friends whilst we were all out walking, everything he told me about himself and his life rang true. Of course the obvious question is why hasn't he settled down years ago?

Two days ago I think I found out. We were just chatting about the future, things we'd like to do, places we'd like to go, and then he said that since things were looking really good between us, that it was only fair to let me know that he didn't want children. It's not that he doesn't like children, just that he doesn't want his own, and that he feels he wouldn't make a very good father. I've just assumed that one day, if I met the right man, I'd have children. It's not that I've got baby fever or anything, but it's something that kind of blindsided me.

I'm still working through this, but if anyone has had to make a similar decision I'd like to hear how things went and if you have any advice; any questions I should be asking myself that I've maybe overlooked.

gingerbreadmam Fri 03-Nov-17 15:35:20

I haven't been in this situation. For me I guess it would depend on how old I was as to whether I would continue this relationship or not.

He seems pretty sure of what he wants or doesn't in this case so I would let that be my lead.

JoJoSM2 Fri 03-Nov-17 15:37:57

Very kind of him to have been honest about it. I suppose it's a question of whether you'd be happy not having children or if it's a deal breaker.

Itsonkyme Fri 03-Nov-17 15:39:18

If you want children one day, then unfortunately this guy is not for you.

Sofia86 Fri 03-Nov-17 15:42:08

Sorry I forgot to mention, age wise I turned 30 end of last year. So still have a little time to find someone else before things start getting really iffy about being able to have children. Other than him specifically not wanting children this would have been the perfect opportunity to settle down and raise a family :/

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Fri 03-Nov-17 16:07:24

About 5 months before we got married OH told me he didn't want kids. It had never come up in conversation before believe it or not and we'd been together 5 years.

I told him I did and in the end he decided he wanted to be with me and would have them . There is no doubt he loves the kids but if I had my time again I would have walked away.

He's been so honest and doubtful he'll change so if you want kids at all I'd cut your losses now and walk away

Sofia86 Fri 03-Nov-17 17:10:10

Thanks NK1. Did you feel that having kids was something that you HAD to do - that it was something that couldn't be ignored? At the time would you have walked away if your OH had insisted he didn't want them?

I'm asking because I'm not sure my own instinct is that strong. I've been thinking about this a lot and I'm not sure how much of my wanting to have children is down to what people expect. What I'm frightened of is that I'll be fine with the idea of never having children now and then a few years down the road be absolutely desperate to have one.

KanyeWesticle Fri 03-Nov-17 17:15:57

The reason he gives for not wanting to have kids is a bit of a flag to me, OP. Its not the usual. I'd need to dig deeper into the character traits of what he thinks would make him a bad dad.

TammyswansonTwo Fri 03-Nov-17 19:42:44

When I was 30, I thought I didn't want kids - or rather I'd been told I wouldn't be able to have them and didn't want them enough to go through the horror of IVF. 2-3 years later my mum died and suddenly I desperately wanted kids. Luckily my husband did too. Looking back if my choice in partner had prevented me from having kids I'd be heartbroken and resentful, but never would have anticipated that when I was younger.

It's such a shame to throw away a potentially great relationship over something you may not even want. I'd be completely honest with him since he's respected you enough to be upfront with you.

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Nov-17 19:45:05

Don’t see his reasons as a red flag at all. He’s just being honest

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Fri 03-Nov-17 19:50:48

Sofia - I was 29 at the time and wasn't majorly broody but thought kids was something I'd most likely like to have at some point. Yes - I was willing to walk I felt that strongly about it.

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