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Can therapy/counselling...

(13 Posts)
WWYD2016 Fri 03-Nov-17 13:57:42

...change a controlling and emotionally abusive husband? Your experiences please.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-Nov-17 14:02:22

Over 2/3rd of the time - NOPE!
It cannot.
It has about a 1/3 success rate and even then that might not entirely work.
They often learn other more subtle ways to exert their control and abuse.
And if they go through this process they should not be with the partner and it takes between 1-2 years!!!
A controlling fuckwit will always a find a way to control.

WWYD2016 Sat 04-Nov-17 10:13:02

Thank you. Anyone else care to share thier experiences?

jeaux90 Sat 04-Nov-17 11:36:56

They will usually try and minimise their behaviour in therapy in my experience.

For example. My narc ex would call his outrageous lying "social fabrication"

No. they rarely change.

I left. Don't regret it for a millisecond (and his therapist told me to take my daughter, run and don't look back)

Greedynan Sat 04-Nov-17 11:50:34

Hi there. I don't yet have the counselling experience to give you feedback but I'm contemplating marriage counselling with my DH. I'll be watching this thread with interest. I would say I experience low level emotional abuse from DH. However I do love him. Things are certainly not shit all of the time. We have dc and I've seen first hand what divorce can do to a child. I'm looking for strategies to manage the situations that cause is problems. I'm pretty sure any change will have to come from me though as DH is very stubborn and thinks he's always right. It's very tedious. However I'm quite easy going and have allowed him to dictate most things over the years. But now I'm paying the price.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Nov-17 12:26:27

Greedy I've seen first hand what happens to a child caught in the cross fire of an abusive relationship and the conditioning it takes for the child to cope with the difficult parent.

I wouldn't wish that on any child.

I find your post really sad. The fact you think you have to change to accommodate your Partner. I'd be thinking about what messages that sends your kids.

Greedynan Sat 04-Nov-17 14:07:53

Absolutely agree with what you say 100% about kids being caught in the crossfire of an abusive relationship. The dilemma I have is that my DH is an amazing dad. The emotional abuse is so subtle though and our dc are completely oblivious to it. It involves him being in charge of lots of decisions; putting his needs before mine; he's selfish really. But Part of the problem is that I don't really assert myself or my needs and he takes me for granted now. And that's the part where I mean the change will probably have to come from me. I need to start being more assertive. It's just that it's difficult to undo patterns of behaviour that our relationship is so used to. Any tips would be really welcome....

Greedynan Sat 04-Nov-17 14:09:31

I don't mean to high jack op's post. Sorry 😬

jamaisjedors Sat 04-Nov-17 14:10:55

No tips from me greedynan but I empathize and feel I am in a similar situation.

DH would not, I am sure he thinks I get what I need and that I "want" too much.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Nov-17 14:17:02

Greedy I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I'm assuming you aren't scared of him, so have you actually told him how you feel?

WWYD2016 Sun 05-Nov-17 13:31:08

My partner is having therapy for his behaviour. We are not having marriage counselling as our problems stem from his behaviour as a result of a troubled upbringing.

Can he change...in your experiences?

SandyY2K Sun 05-Nov-17 13:40:21

I don't think change is impossible for anyone, but it requires him being honest, open, able to trust his therapist and him recognising that he has a problem.

The problem is that many of these behaviours are learnt and become part of who one is.

I would say that if therapy is a condition of continuing the relationship.... don't rush to get back together just because you see small improvements. Keep some distance between you and see how long he can sustain this.

You need too see that he's changed...because it's the right thing to do and not just because he wabt. wants you back.

Worth reading 'why does he do that' by lundy bancroft. He did therapeutic work with domestic abusers and was of the opinion most therapy would not change most abusers.

My abusive ex started therapy and it made him more entitled and outraged I didn't soothe his brow and listen considerately to his catalogue of woes.
He escalated massively including beginning to be violent towards the children (as far as I knew at the time - turns out he just stopped hiding it and started doing it openly due to the effect it would have on me).

Op, it sounds like you want someone to tell you therapy will help. I'm not sure it often does.
But I do remember spending about 5 years and several thousand pounds hoping it would.

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