My husband's angry with everyone all the time

[wildermama]

I’m not sure where to start. My husband has always had a quick temper and quickly goes to anger on any given subject (never been violent towards me - but has hit plenty of walls in his time). Since the birth of our daughter (2) this has got worse largely I think thanks to tiredness and the shock of responsibility a child brings. Work has also become busier and more stressful - he frequently works 60 hour weeks. He’s always had huge anxiety issues and doesn’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol. All fun and games huh! I’m writing as it’s really reached a crisis point in terms of us and our relationship. He no longer speaks to his family (they’re knobs but they don’t entirely deserve the anger he directs towards to them) which means I’m not the only outlet for all his anger, mistrust and stress. I’ve pleaded for him to seek help via counselling or therapy which is just another trigger to anger. I’m just so exhausted of the same cycle of arguments we go through. I’m always in the wrong - I work too hard (I work part time which I enjoy), I don’t keep the house tidy enough, I’m controlling and manipulative, I’m too stressed out, I’m a bad mother. I’ve been really ill this week (vomiting etc etc) and that’s my fault too - for not looking after myself well enough for him. He occasionally come out of these rages full of apologies but these spells of regret are coming less often. On paper I should leave him - but I know he’s a good person beneath all the shit - there’s just a pile of emotional debris that he gets lost in. I don’t know what I’m asking. I’ve pinned hopes on therapy opening a door for him but I can’t convince him to go. Does anyone who’s been through similar have any advice?

[HumpHumpWhale]

Do you want your daughter to grow up as the target of this kind of rage?

If you still love him, and think he can change, tell him it's therapy or divorce. And if he doesn't start therapy immediately, leave him. He's abusive.

[HumpHumpWhale]

Sorry, I should say, my husband had been depressed on and off. I told him he needed to address it because it wasn't just him who was miserable. He did. He's on antidepressants and it's like night and day. He's starting therapy soon too, to address the underlying issues and hopefully build his resilience.

[Dauphinoise]

I echo what hump says. It's not healthy for anyone. You need to give him the ultimatum - professional help, or you separate. And you need to mean it. No empty threats.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this now, what is keeping you anyway with such an individual?.

Your child and you should not remain within such an awful environment and what you are seeing here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be helped; an individual who also has issues with anger and alcohol. He is abusive and hitting walls at home is actually an example of domestic violence. Its not your fault he is like this; you did not make him this way. He is not also above projecting all his stuff onto you either; he is the one who is controlling and manipulative here, not you. His actions are about power and control; he wants absolute over you.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. Do you want your DD to become a further target of his rages too like you already are?. You may well have become conditioned to all this rubbish from him over time but she has no choice in the matter. You have a choice re this man, she does not.

And he does not have an anger management problem either. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on such unreasonable behaviours.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his own family of origin either.

Underneath all the shit there is still shit. He does not want you to rescue and or save him and he disregards your suggestions re counselling or therapy (he would need years of both in any case and he does not want to go).

Save your own self and your child instead from this miserable sounding existence you write about. Joint counselling in any case is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 would be worth talking to.

[LuxuryWoman2017]

Oh love, so familiar, 18 years I stuck with a man like this, be smarter than me. It's a shit way to live and only gets worse.

Life without him is wonderful

[BackInTheRoom]

'I know he’s a good person beneath all the shit - there’s just a pile of em'......I'm sure ax murderers can be nice sometimes too! No seriously he treats you like this because you take it. Plain and simple. Stop taking it. Tell him to sort his shit out or you're off!

Watch this:

[user1471529986]

My husband sounds similar to yours and we have had lots of talks about both of our behaviour and what annoys each other. Alcohol is a trigger for him and stress at work and we have agreed some rules around drinking. I am trying to help and feel that it's not always as easy as to just give out an ultimatum. I love my husband for many reasons and want our marriage to work. That means work on both sides. When he next reaches the apology phase it would be a good time to say you both need to sit down and agree some changes for you both bit by bit to be able to continue together and see where that goes. Also he could agree to accept you making your point if he goes off track without it inducing rage from him

[BitOutOfPractice]

I know he’s a good person

He's really not

[MistressDeeCee]

Yet another angry aggressive pain in the arse bully of a man described as a "good person" underneath all that. It beggars belief really

He's always had a quick temper. Won't get help. So you, OP, simply have to decide whether you can live with this is not since he is who he is already.

If you can't live with it get yourself together..copies of all official and financial documents (without telling him) just in case you do decide to split with him. If you do decide to stay with him - good luck with being worn down but his shout aggression, raising your child in that atmosphere which will be horrible for them, and going into your old age with Mr Angry who will be making your years shit at a time they should be peaceful

I likely sound very harsh but I'm so tired of women with awful,awful men describing these oafish men as "good", and having messed up lives due to ONE man in this world full of good people who actually aren't bullies, and respect women.

Kindness is so under-rated. But when a person is unkind they're not for having a relationship with. I was wondering if he shouts and loses his temper with his work colleagues. I bet he doesn't. He controls his anger and lets loose where and when it suits him

[wildermama]

Wow. Thank you everyone. That makes for some tough reading. I know how tired the cliche of ‘he’s a good person really’ is - I would openly groan if I heard someone else saying it. I suppose I’m not ready to give up on him yet. He is wonderful with our little girl, soft and gentle - if I were ever to see a hint of anything darker I’d be out of the door. I grew up with an abusive father (another cliche I know) and I would never inflict that on her. He needs help - for him - for us - if I were to leave right now with him at his worst I think he would harm himself and I couldn’t live with that knowledge. I’m the only person he has - and whilst his depression makes him controlling and difficult to live with I’m not sure I can handle leaving someone that desperate. Not yet anyway. Ultimatums feel so hostile - but it might be the only way to go. Does anyone have any stories of coming out the other side of something like this?

[fredericapotterslawyer]

Kindness is so under-rated. But when a person is unkind they're not for having a relationship with. I was wondering if he shouts and loses his temper with his work colleagues. I bet he doesn't. He controls his anger and lets loose where and when it suits him

This. OP, I have a story of coming out the other side, but it’s not the one you want to hear. I was with an angry man like this for five years. In the car, he used to explode and start smacking the dashboard if the person in front of him didn’t speed up at the traffic lights, to allow him to get through before it turned red. I tried to explain to him this was the nature of traffic lights – someone has to get caught in them – but it didn’t make any difference. I left him in the end. I spent a year on my own. Then I met someone kind and gentle. It was like getting in a hot bath after a lifetime of cold showers and carbolic soap.

You don’t realise how wearing it is, living with these continual, intermittent explosions, until you live without them. My ex was a wall hitter too. What you need to realise is hitting walls IS violence towards you. Actions like this - designed to intimidate you and put you in fear – count as violence, even if you are physically unharmed. Read your post back. You sound more like his case worker than his wife. Just imagine how peaceful life would be, with you and your little girl. Not having to tip toe round him and his temper. Not having to deal with his drinking, his anxiety, his unkindness, his blame shifting. His shit upbringing is not your problem, I’m afraid. You can’t fix him. You’ve said yourself he’s getting worse, not better. You need to get out, unless you want your daughter to be writing similar post, in twenty years’ time.

[AshleySilver]

I were to leave right now with him at his worst I think he would harm himself

You are not responsible for his actions, he is. Even if he is mentally unwell, he is still responsible for his actions. If he is at risk of self harm, then he needs professional help. You can't fix him.

If he is refusing professional help, all you can do is save yourself and your dd.

[Cupoteap]

Your daughter is seeing this and that this is an ok way to be.

I couldn’t live with this and left with my children. It gets worse. It does get directed at the children and they see more than you realise

[BackInTheRoom]

'I grew up with an abusive father (another cliche I know) and I would never inflict that on her.'

....yep, Codependency like it says in that vid and your DD might be seeing you treated badly by your partner?!

It's your choice but while you're bending over backwards saying I can't leave him now blah blah, he ISN'T saying 'Ooh I can't possibly subject my DP to my awful behaviour' is he?!

[fredericapotterslawyer]

Even if it's not directed at your daughter yet, she is absorbing the atmosphere at home, and seeing the way you two interact.

You are with this man because you had an abusive father. Abuse is a disease, passed on from generation to generation. Your daughter is going to look at your relationship and think it's normal. Then she's going to grow up, and replicate those patterns. If you grow up with an angry, controlling father you gravitate towards angry, controlling men. It takes a real, concerted effort to break the cycle. My father was angry and controlling. I went out with awful men for years. My sister is still stuck with her husband, and he's a complete pain in the arse. Now her daughters, who have no choice in the matter, are witnessing it all.

Your husband might be nice when he plays with your daughter, but his treatment of you will do untold damage to her if you don't address it.

[BackInTheRoom]

'I’m not sure I can handle leaving someone that desperate'

Is this your take on it OP or his because if he was desperate, wouldn't he have sought help?

[hellsbellsmelons]

If you haven't already then please read THIS??
He is NOT good underneath.
He's horrible and abusive and you know this already.
He won't seek help.
You cannot fix him.
You know what to do, you just aren't ready to do it just yet.
Please call Womens Aid and talk it through with them.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Does he shout at work? Does he destroy property by punching things at work? Does he fail to control his drinking at work? No? Then you know that he can do all of those things. He just doesn't bother at home

[usersos]

My partner used to be like this. I thought I could ignore the fits of rage etc but in the end every time I witnessed them I just became less and less into him so I left him. I now think why the fuck did I spend so long with someone who I walked on eggshells with for so long! Thank god i didn’t have a child with him. There’s no way I’d let a child witness that kind of behaviour. X

[girlingerrupting]

Slightly off topic but I'm trying to build up courage and finances to leave my H in similar circumstances. By sons are now 5 & 7 and watching their behaviour develop is what is finally making me realise I have to get out. It's not just about me putting up with him. My question though what do I tell them? They think he's wonderful he's probably going to present me as this awful person no matter what I do I'm pretty scared of them post and how much they will reject and blame me.
Custody will hopefully be shared but at the moment my hours at work are much worse and less flexible than his.

[MistressDeeCee]

girlinger "wonderful" in what way? Do you think when they grow up in an angry home, they will think it's "wonderful?"What about this -

Mum stays with Mr Aggressive, kids grow up and (unsurprisingly) want out of angry volatile home/family atmosphere asap. In later years Mum thinks or says to (now grown up) kids "but I stayed for you, to keep the family together". Then is unhappy to discover that far from being viewed as a martyr and familysaver, she is deemed to have stayed for her own ends, instead of getting the kids away so they could live peacefully, instead of being jumpy and tense on hearing anger and arguments..that anger normally also being directed towards them as they get older

On the other hand, the kids witnessing this could end up not respecting you, and also dealing with you in angry fashion. Or they could even find themselves wanting to protect you, and will then suffer the unhappiness of anger directed at them. None of the scenarios sound good, do they?

They all have a similar ending for the woman remaining with the abuser though. Just her, and him in elder years. Kids long grown and gone. Crying those "if only I'd left him years ago" tears of regret.

Kids are never a reason or excuse to stay with an abusive man. It's better to realise that when they are young. When they are grown and damage has been done - it's too late. Way too late.

[girlingerrupting]

I totally agree with Mistress... my husband grew up in a house like this and his mother stayed and their relationship is awful and our worst times are after he's seen her as his view of women is so warped... need to be protected?', but can't be trusted, but makes you feel guilty... not respected or an equal... surge! My darling husband is too damaged and we've tried for 15yrs and it's too much watching the cycle repeat before my eyes.

[Lozmatoz]

He is an abusive man, in many ways that you’ve described. But, as I think you know, the change has to come from him. Unfortunately you can’t make him start to take responsibility and it sounds like you need a break from the hell at home.

You can seek support from lots of places, women’s aid etc who can help guide you and make the best decision for you and your daughter.

Abuse tends to get worse and worse, so bear that in mind. It could become more difficult to leave as you start to believe what he says about you. Good luck.

[pudding21]

I get it OP, you love him you want him to change. You haven't quite reached your limit yet.

I was you, living with a man I loved but who had anxiety, alcohol and anger issues. it doesn't make for a good combination. We just about managed to get along, with episodes in between over 21 years except for the last 3. They were hell. We had a change in circumstances, it upset the status quo and things got really really dark for a while. I left in Feb and I am much happier now.

You might not realise is yet, but you and your daughter will modify your behavior in order to try to ease the anger outbursts and walking around on eggshells. What happens is you make decisions based upon that and you lose your autonomy. I didn't know who I was in the recent years, and its taking me a lot of unpicking to try rediscover that again. i over think, i over analyse, I started to get anxious (panic attacks). I still love him, but he hasn't showed any effort in the months since I left to change. All that is different now is I can walk away and he isn't in my space sucking the joy out of everything.

Just to note also, my ex was calm with the kids, until the oldest one got a bit more challenging....when he was 2 there wasn't really anything to get angry at. Just saying.

I hope if you both want to work things out you can, but the change must come from him. He needs to see someone for his anxiety as his drinking is a coping mechanism which will only worsen. Good luck.