Marriage problems

[Loulabellep72]

This is a long story, sorry if I go on a bit . I've been married 25 years have 3 children 2 are in their 20's and youngest is 7. We've had alot of ups and downs over the years and I've wanted to leave my husband but never had the courage. Until last Christmas I was very unwell and got let down by h with no support what's so ever and that was it for me. I've totally fell out of love with him .
March this year I started a relationship with my first love from when I was 17, who I totally connect with and we are madly inlove . It's a love that I can't explain but I defiantly can say he's my soulmate . He is not a marriage reckor as I had already come to terms with my marriage being dead but alot of people are going to see that he is .
I'm giving my family one last Christmas then I'm going to live at my mums for a while . I told my husband earlier this year that I wasn't happy and he's been trying so hard since but it's not the real him, leapords can't change their spots , but he will still be devasted when I go .
Now this is what I need advice on , do I set up on my own for a bit to get my dd used to her new dad figure in her life or stay at mums for a month and then move in with him . I'm thinking time for them to get to know each other , but it be a total waste of money renting and setting up as he has his own lovely house xx

[category12]

So you're proposing to break up with your husband, stay a month with your mother and then move you and dd in with a new man she's supposed to accept as her "dad figure" to save paying rent?!

Yeah, mum of the year.

[category12]

So you're proposing to break up with your husband, stay a month with your mother and then move you and dd in with a new man she's supposed to accept as her "dad figure" to save paying rent?!

Yeah, mum of the year.

[MissConductUS]

Wow. Just wow.

It's a love that I can't explain but I defiantly can say he's my soulmate

There's a term for that. It's called infatuation. This has huge fucking disaster written all over it. And you're going to look like an idiot when the wheels fall off.

Before you end your marriage, at least try marriage counseling. Your husband is now at least trying to do better. Then if it's really over, over out on your own and date whomever you please, after you setup a stable house on your own.

You're going to put your daughter in the middle of a terrible custody battle, not to mention moving her into the house of a man she has no relationship with. And your new flame is not and never will be her father.

Please get some outside counseling before you move forward with this, since there will be no moving back. And think about what an awful example you'll be setting for your daughter. I feel terrible for her and your husband.

[Loulabellep72]

Thanks guys, I needed sound advice from an outsider, you've put things in prospective for me , thanks again

[MissConductUS]

Part of the problem is that you're not in a position to separate your negative feelings about your husband from your attraction to the new guy. That's why it's always better to really end one relationship before you start a new one. And be very, very careful about how this effects your daughter. She is at a very tender and developmentally important age.

And I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh, but you needed to hear it plainly.

And you're welcome.

[category12]

If your marriage is over, that's something to tackle. You can make plans to separate and divorce and work out how best to make it easier on your dd.

But you are in the throes of infatuation with the other man, and you don't know how it will work out with him, or whether it's a good relationship out of the shadows of cheating and in the cold light of day. You would be very wrong to take your dd, move in with him and expect him to be 'father figure' and her to have to deal with that as quickly as you suggested in your OP.

Think of her.

If you're set on making changes: end your marriage, sure, but don't rush into living with this man.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Please do NOT for one second think that a 7 year old will accept a new male figure, 1 month after being taken away from her family home and her dad.
You rent on your own for at least a year.
Wasted rent money???
So what? This is about your DD not about you and your 'soul mate'
She will be devastated and going through so many emotions.
Let those settle before introducing her to 'uncle buck'

You've wanted out of your marriage for a long time and you are now taking steps to do that.
That is a good thing.
We only have one life.
But take things very slowly for your DD sake.

But why can't you move in with your mum for now?
Until you find somewhere of your own?
Why continue with this farce?
It's not fair on any of you.
You could still have Christmas together.

[Myheartbelongsto]

Let your husband go now.

He deserves better than you.

As for your dd, I feel bad for her.

Make good choices for her, she should but your priority here.

You sound like a joke to be honest.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Your 7 year old is going to have her world shattered and you're planning on moving in with your new fella after a month?? Not only is this too soon for you, you've got to put your DD first.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I am so tired of reading on MN of how many women rush headlong into new relationships, often on the rebound, dragging their devastated DC behind them. All because "but I love him" and "ours is a special love" and "we wanted to be together". Ninety-nine times out of hundred they are back on MN 12-18 months later when it's all gone wrong and their kids are irrevocably damaged.

Please OP don't be one of them.

[crunched]

This decision is likely to have a huge impact on your adult DC in addition to your 7 year old.
You do sound infatuated tbh.

[PinkHeart5914]

New dad figure? Wtf? What kind of mother tries to give a 7 year old a ‘new dad figure’ poor child!

When a child is involved you can’t just leave your dh say to the child well kid this is new daddy I’ve been having an affair with and move in with him to save money on rent

Your dh will ALWAYS be her dad and she doesn’t have to accept anyone as new daddy and you should never expect her too.

You stay with your mum, save some money Or rent alone with your dd you don’t just move the poor kid in with Mummy’s other man ffs!

[pancakesunday]

Believe me the impact this will have on your 7 year old will be evident for years to come. A month is really not going to cut it. It’s devastating for kids wrapped up in divorce and your plans sound selfish.

[BackInTheRoom]

Oh for goodness sakes 'Soul Mate'! If I hear this one more time I'm going to vom! I get that you felt let down but you needed to properly discuss it with your DH. I'm sure he was your soul mate once! Jeez, fecking affairs are getting on my nellies! It's called 'Limerence' and having no day to day shit to deal with that makes you feel in lurveeee with your affair partner and all those chemicals of forbidden love 🤔 They should teach this shit at school so everybody can recognise the real from the fantasy. Can you tell I've been massively affected by an affair?

[BackInTheRoom]

You had a lot of ups and downs because you were with him for 25 years! They're called seasons and as such they're subject to change. You guys need to pull together rather than apart.

[Annoyed5678]

How can two messages from strangers put it into perspective? you lost the fucking plot

[misscheery]

@Annoyed5678 well she did say “prospective”.... evil grin

OP, you gotta be kidding us. Poor guy who wasted 25 years with you. You told him you’re not happy and he tried his very best and his very best wasn’t enough.

Poor DD who will need to accept a “man figure” so quick and even move into his house so you don’t pay rent.

And probably in a few years time poor new boyfriend who will be dumped for yet another “soulmate”.

Yes I’m a bitch. But what you’re doing is unacceptable.

[DontDrinkDontSmoke]

Soulmate to me equals a massive red flag.

People who use this term tend to be in very flawed relationships.

[livefornaps]

"One last Christmas": how generous and then you plan on dropping this bomb in January?!!!!

Awful, awful idea.

[Gre8scott]

Why are people so rude to others on here? Yes people come on here for advice but not for people to talk to them like they are shit on a shoe.

[Loulabellep72]

OK OK thanks again for the advise, and taken onboard. Believe it or not I'm doing this for my dd as she knows I don't love her daddy because he's told her. I could do right thing and stay and waste another 10 years in an unhappy marriage for her sake or I could move on and give her happy memories with or without (uncle buck) the older 2 will always know I'm there for them . Don't worry guys the month bit was because I didn't want to burden my mum and dad for too long . I will find somewhere on my own as advised and not rush .

[BackInTheRoom]

Grey8scott because people in RL probably won't tell her what they're really thinking and complete strangers with nothing to lose, no emotional investment will?

[WitchesHatRim]

Now this is what I need advice on , do I set up on my own for a bit to get my dd used to her new dad figure in her life or stay at mums for a month and then move in with him . I'm thinking time for them to get to know each other , but it be a total waste of money renting and setting up as he has his own lovely house xx

You sound delightful

You can't replace her DF just because you aren't together!

Totally ridiculous.

[BackInTheRoom]

OP

Have a read:

Affair addiction

brainworldmagazine.com/the-neuroscience-of-infidelity-flame-addiction/

How to survive infidelity

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

The 4 Horseman of The Apocalypse

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Basic Concepts

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

[BackInTheRoom]

25 years is a looonnnggggg time and quite frankly it gets boooooorrrrriiiiinnnnnggg! However, you must have loved your DH enough to marry him surely? The time and energy you spend fantasising about your AP could be spent investing in your DH. You're hooked on your AP because he's new and shiny and sexy but it's all fantasy because eventually he'll become the usual and less exciting and a bit meh!