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Please Help, feeling awful, drove my wonderful partner away(76 Posts)
I am feeling completely heartbroken. I have been with my partner just over 6 years, living together in his house for 3 years. We are in our late 40s, I have two children from a previous relationship which live with us, he does not have any children.
We have had our ups and downs but shared many happy memories and have common interests. We had a blow up last weekend, an old chestnut of mine that happens a couple of times a year. Anyhow, when I came home last Wednesday, he was waiting on the drive with his car packed ready to leave. He said he was going to stay with his parents (a couple of hours away) whilst we found somewhere else to leave. I was absolutely heartbroken, we were both crying but he said he couldn't give us another chance.
I am absolutely distraught, as are my boys (they are aged 16). One of my boys got on really well with him, there was tension with the other boy. Some of this caused our arguments.
I realise that I was the cause of our breakup. He is a loving, gentle soul. He demonstrated his love by always being there for us, I think I was expecting more. I realise how much he did love us and now I have lost him. I wrote him a letter last week explaining this and how we could get over the old chestnut, I was waiting for him to resolve this issue over the years and now of course I see we should have both worked to solve it. I realise how much I have hurt him and I hate myself for it.
He has not replied to my letter, I have not messaged him, texted him or emailed him. I have stayed off FB for over a week too. I had a lovely email from his mum yesterday thanking her for the birthday flowers I sent her, but no word about her son.
I am desperate, I believe the time away from him will just consolidate his decision that he is better off without me, though we did have so many good times together and plans for our futures.
What can I do, has anyone else been in this situation. I have lost the most wonderful man and I can't forgive myself. My boys feel as if it is my fault too.
Thank you for any advice xx
Maybe you both need some time apart to get some head space. Why not just send him a text nothing heavy just thoughtful with no pressure. What is the issue that you seem to bring up that causes a problem
, an old chestnut of mine that happens a couple of times a year.
Were you truly happy if the same 'chestnut' kept arising?
I think the letter was a good idea maybe in time he will reply. Maybe time is what is needed here.
What was the chestnut that keeps raising its head?
Its really difficult to help if we dont what the issue is or the context.
Sure, when we first met he would go off every couple of months or so to spend the weekend with his uni friends. He never invited me but as he has so often explained it was him assuming I wouldn't want to meet his old friends. Eventually they came to stay with him one weekend and it was a disaster, his best friend ignored me and whilst I felt hurt my partner wasn't used to managing these kinds of situations. So every time he visits his friends it would cause us friction. Because the full lives we lead together he was only seeing the a couple of times a year but I always managed to give him grief. In the end he felt really guilty about it and I felt hurt. We could have resolved it together, I could have contacted his friend and made an effort, but I didn't. I never stopped him seeing his friends but of course it was difficult for him. I can see now that I put him in a difficult situation. I now I have lost him. He has such a kind nature, he just wanted life to be happy and without confrontation, for me being a Scot, I was always a bit more feisty than that. I adore him though, and so want to sort this and bring him back.
In my letter I wrote about how we could easily solve the issue but as he has not responded, I am assuming he doesn't want it or doesn't believe it. He had a quiet easy life before I came along, I can understand why he would want us gone.
Completely heartbroken..... x
Wow, no warning? Bags packed and he took off?
It seems rather sudden.
Have you started to look at somewhere else to move to yet?
Right, so that was (perhaps unintentionally!) quite possessive and controlling behaviour on your part over a long time.
I don't know how you can retrospectively fix this one with mere promises of good behaviour from now on.
Have you had issues in the past with this stuff, and have you tackled them in therapy or anything like that?
Well, hang on though. His best friend ignored you? Why?
He said he couldn't take it anymore. He can't bear confrontation. Just wondering constantly what to do now. It is so hard living here surrounded by all his things knowing he has left me. I want to have the opportunity to win him back, I really can see the error of my ways but how do I show this if he is not here?
Unfortunately if he wants out of the relationship, you can't make him change his mind. You need to accept his decision, and try and move forwards without him.
Was everything being your fault symptomatic of the relationship
He doesn't like confrontation? Does that mean you're effectively forbidden from resolving conflicts? How would you resolve conflicts of he refuses 'confrontation'?
Something's looking a bit fishy here op.
His best friend ignored me due to innocent issues really. We met up and as they all live apart they have a chance to catch up so it was possibly unintentional. At the time I took it personally.
Controlling, possibly. I felt incredibly hurt at the time as I didn't think my partner managed the situation well, he could see what was happening.
Am I looking for somewhere? Yes I am.
No real issues from past. We do have a normally great relationship. Yesterday I told one of his friends that he had left me, she was so shocked. She said she thought we were perfect for each other, so many common interests, always doing things, not just together but for our community as well.
He doesn't like confrontations. He comes from a wonderful family that talk a lot and are very supportive of each other. I just don't think he could cope with my more direct way.
Should I give up hope after all this time together. Everything about me says no. We were great 90% of the time (his words). Surely it is worth every effort to save. I have realised my error, I want to change for the better, I'm not just paying lip service. Should I ask if he would like the chance to meet up?
If it was that easy to solve the issue as you said in your email, you would have solved it already.
You've spent years giving him grief about him going away 3-4 times a year for a weekend with friends?
Honestly, I find it hard not to imagine that that side of your personality only manifests itself 4x a year in one circumstance.
What about the tension with one of your children? It doesn't sound to me like it was just this isolated friends issue.
TBH, I lost all sympathy for you with your comment about being a feisty Scot Lazy unhelpful sometimes offensive stereotyping aside (I'm a Scot who is quite able to manage their emotions in an adult way, thank you) - that phrase smacks of making excuses.
If that's how you view your behaviour, no wonder it hasn't changed despite it being "easy" to solve. Oh I'm a feisty Scot vs I am behaving inappropriately.
Sounds like he's had years of your "feistiness" and has had enough. I can see why an email saying "we" can solve the issue wouldn't cut it. Maybe after the first time, or second... perhaps the friend ignored you because he knew about the grief you gave your boyfriend previously and found it really awkward?
He's done a very decent thing in being the one to temporarily move out of his home, given that you have children.
I am sorry you are upset, but if you want any chance of fixing this, you need to own your behaviour without blaming your place of birth, and be honest with yourself about ALL the problems.
I don't think this is fishy (unless there's a massive drip feed on the way).
I think if this happened the other way around, the woman would be being told to LTB. Think about it:
"My partner doesn't like my friends, he moans every time I go to see them (once or twice a year!) The one time they came over it was a complete disaster. He says my best friend ignored him, I admit it was tense but don't think that was completely best friend's fault, we were trying to have a catch up and partner kept interrupting and being a bit passive-aggressive. Now they hate each other apparently. Anyway he brings it up all the time in arguments, constantly, and we argue a lot. I feel sick about seeing them. What do I do?"
I guarantee people wouldn't be saying "why did your best friend ignore him?" They'd be saying "get out now".
(And perhaps questioning if Best Friend is another controlling influence in life, and why the OP had let these situations build up - low self-esteem and self-confidence maybe?)
OP, it's really easy to slip into this sort of low-level abusive dynamic and have long simmering resentments build up. Especially if you're "feisty" and he avoids confrontation. I used to be extremely like this myself - abuse isn't something that just comes from demonic caricatures. But you can't just fix it with magic vague promises - you can only work on yourself.
This intense pain won't last, and maybe you'll both come out of it stronger.
Give him some time. You'll still have to meet up to discuss practicalities. This isn't necessarily the end of all things, but it's the end of the old dynamic at least.
If someone on here said they were thinking of leaving a relationship that was great 90% of the time, replies would point out that 10% of the time is actually a pretty big proportion of shit. It suggests more than one small niggle.
What people think from the outside about who is a perfect couple is totally irrelevant.
You say he couldn't cope with your direct way. But what was there to say "directly" about him seeing friends 4 weekends a year? You said you gave him grief. I can see no reason for "direct" "grief" in those circumstances.
I don’t think because you are Scottish explains your behaviour. Sorry!
Can't help but feel that there is a fair bit of minimising and omission going on here. What kind of 'grief' did you give him when he planned weekends away with his uni pals and how long did it go on for? Did his friend just ignore you from the moment he met you or did something happen that led to that impasse between you? I always find on here expressions such as 'we have had ups and downs' often hide an awful lot of baggage.
I wouldn't want to get grief for vising my friends twice/three times a year. I don't expect to have grief for having friends full stop! He had you living in his home, with two teen boys one of whom doesn't like him, and you were standing in the way of his escape mechanism and time out which he entirely deserved to have, as does everyone.
The thing with the best friend was petty, you had set yourself up in rivalry with him and were already resentful that the best friend had him to himself 2/3 times a year, I think he's right, this does say a lot about you that you couldn't let him have this really quite small amount of time to himself and being his old self.
I do understand, I can be a bit shouty too, but I know my husband hates it so have tried to be less shouty or remove myself rather than having a good blow-out.
I don't know what you can do now, he just doesn't want to live with a shouty lady and a teen boy who doesn't like him and not be able to see his old friends without tension. It sounds like you had a lot right as well and got on brilliantly too, so I know it must really hurt.
I'm sorry OP, this is a sad situation to be in.
It could have been a female best friend, of course, but whatever the situation, old friends are something to be treasured and not something to be ditched when your new partner comes along.
' I just don't think he could cope with my more direct way'
What does your more 'direct' way typically entail?
If you get on so brilliantly, why did you have to post 6 months into living together about the problems you were having?
You are definitely minimising the issues in this relationship.
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