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I think I'm done with this relationship. *Potential Trigger*

(9 Posts)
ArcticTurtle Fri 03-Nov-17 00:18:24

Long story short, I met my partner online and a large amount of the relationship has been conducted there (via Whatsapp, SC, etc). It's long-distance.

He seemed like a genuinely nice guy to begin with, I thought he was kind, empathetic, caring. I'm asexual and have been raped in the past, which he knows. We didn't meet through OD, it was just a friendship that he turned into something else. I went along with it because I liked talking to him at that point.

I liked that he seemed like a good person. He's told me he loves me, and he seems to want to monopolise my time. He wants me to talk to him 24/7, it's always "tell me what's on your mind" "tell me what you're thinking about" "tell me fucking everything". Ok, the last one was made up but the other two are direct quotes.

It's exhausting. I want time to myself to just exist. I feel like he's needy. I'm incredibly independent, I don't need other people in my life. And although he's a nice person, I don't feel like I'm that into this 'relationship'. Not because I'm looking for someone else. I'm just never going to be this invested in someone else.

He hints at sex constantly. He asks what I'm wearing, he wants to send SC videos of him jacking off. I'm not into it, at all. I tell him he can send things if he wants, then pretend to be going to bed so say that I'll view them in the morning so that he's not expecting an instant reply. The whole thing makes me deeply uncomfortable. I know that the answer is to say "I don't want to see that" but my past experience with sex means that I can't quite bring myself to say it.

I feel like he wants me to change so much of myself for him, he needs to feel validated constantly. He wants to hear about everything I do. For example, I was at home the other day. I said (via Whatsapp) that I'd be back in half an hour. He sent 5 messages in that time, starting from "Ok, see you later" and climbing to "Where are you, I miss you". I was cleaning the fucking bathroom. It's like a constant need for input with him and I'm exhausted with trying to fulfill it.

I don't know how to tell him it's too much. I'm scared of hurting his feelings even though he's hurting mine every day just with this interaction. Does anyone have a kind way to tell someone that you're just not into it?!

I don't want to just ghost, that feels too cruel.

Reflexella Fri 03-Nov-17 00:21:36

Yep. I give the shit sandwich - not working for me, you will make someone else a lovely bf (if this bit is true) was lovely to meet you but I won’t be meeting up this w/e.

SleepingStandingUp Fri 03-Nov-17 00:22:28

In so sorry this is making you so unhappy especially after all you have been through.

The kindest way is simple and honest and sooner rather than later.

"I've been reflecting alot lately about where our relationship is and I've realised it doesn't male me happy any more / isn't what I'm looking for"

LineysRun Fri 03-Nov-17 00:26:36

'I need to tell you this, and my mind is set. This isn't the right relationship for me, so I'm ending it. Good luck with finding the right person for you. That person definitely isn't me. Best wishes, and goodbye.'

Then do not engage in further explanation.

Repeat one more time if necessary, with even fewer words - and do not say sorry or try to justify - then block and delete.

BitOfFun Fri 03-Nov-17 00:33:05

Liney has got it. Do that.

ArcticTurtle Fri 03-Nov-17 00:42:38

Thank you all.

I'm definitely over-thinking the whole thing! I'm just so used to only thinking about what's right for other people and this has really thrown me.

Liney, your message is perfect and I'm going to send it in the morning. Along with the block. I'm hoping that doesn't count as ghosting because I've given an explanation.

He's told me before how I'm 'his everything' and he 'won't try with another woman' if there's an after me scenario. I feel horribly guilty and I know I'm to blame for not saying no at the start. All I know is that I panicked and froze, and just agreed to everything reflexively.

Thank you again.

LineysRun Fri 03-Nov-17 00:48:46

Oh bless you, you're not to blame. Sometimes stuff happens, and you stop the stuff, and you tell yourself 'lesson learned', and you move on.

You are giving a considerate message so he knows it has ended, and any responsibility you had ends there.

For what it's worth, he doesn't sound ready to be in a relationship - but that's not your problem.

bayseyan Fri 03-Nov-17 00:56:32

* 'won't try with another woman' if there's an after me scenario.*

That’s emotional manipulation. Ignore it.

It’s not the right relationship for you and you’re entitled to end s relationship for this reason or no reason at all.

(Being asked what I’m thinking all the time drives me nuts. I hate that question and my immediate thought for an answer whenever I’m asked it is ‘none of your damn business’).

ArcticTurtle Fri 03-Nov-17 01:08:38

Thank you both.

Liney, lesson learned is definitely the feeling I'm trying to maintain right now. I shouldn't have got myself into this situation but since I have, it's my responsibility to get out of it.

bayseyan, Exactly! I hate this feeling that I have to divulge every single thought because he 'needs' to know. He probably thinks it's caring but I am suffocated by it. I need to just exist by myself, instead of having someone need to know every intricate detail of my life.

Who knew it was so easy to fall into a relationship when you weren't looking for one in the first place?!

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