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Is this cheating!?

32 replies

Laurie22 · 02/11/2017 22:36

I am on holidays right now with my boyfriend, feeling completely distraught and have no one to talk to.

I met him over a year ago and we started dating. When we met, I was moving overseas for 5 months- six weeks after we had our first date. We had known each other a few months before that and both had big crushes on each other(through work), so things got serious quite quickly. I held back more than him as I was so overwhelmed at the strength of our feelings, but before I went away we had told each other we loved each other, and agreed that we would be together and stay faithful while I was gone etc. He pushed for this in particular. We didn't use the terms girlfriend/boyfriend until I moved away and he asked in a phone call, could he describe me as his girlfriend. I said yes, so we were pretty official.

Anyway, things went fine. We were in constant contact. He was more full on than I was. There was definitely worry on his part that I would meet someone out there. I am quite a bit younger than him (41/31) and he seemed to feel in some ways that I was 'out of his league' and would attract other guys. From my part, I was completely faithful. I was out a lot etc but never even flirted with another guy. I would never have done anything like that to him. I also trusted him 100% completely. He is a really principled guy and I was very sure of his love for me. He saw me as the one etc.

So I moved home, and things have been pretty good. I am very much in love with him. We have had issues in terms of our compatibility, we are very different people. One example is that I am more adventurous and he is more of a home bird. We are also from different parts of the country. There's a big part of me that knows that he would have preferred if I was from his city and more into the same things as him. From my point of view, differences made no dent in how much I loved him.

The year before meeting me, he had been seeing a girl from his home city for six months, not a very serious relationship. He ended it as despite liking her a lot, he was not in love with her. I got the impression that he wished he had been, they were more similar in personality to us, and she was from his home. I was not in any way insecure about her as I knew that he was not in love with her.

But tonight, I borrowed his phone to make a whatssap call as my phone was not working. I scrolled through his contacts to find the contact I was looking for and saw the name 'Lovely Linda'. As I knew that was her name, even though I shouldn't have done it, I got such a shock to see how she was described that I went into the conversation.

There were some recent messages, just checking in with each other, completely above board. But I scrolled back( there were not many messages) and I saw messages from January and Feb when I was away. In January, they wish each other New Years Well Wishes and reminisce a bit about the past. It's very obvious from them that he ended it and she was still pining after him. He said he wanted then to stay in touch but she was more hesitant as she felt if he didn't want her, what was the point?

But in February, they had met on a night out. He text her the next day to say she looked lovely. She said she had wanted to kiss him so badly. He responded saying he did too and said that talking to her turned him on. When asked,he also said he had feelings still for her. She asked 'where do we go from here?' and he said 'a date?!' She responded that she was unsure as she was just setting herself up for failure again. He said something about how 2nd times often work better and he was up for it.That's where the messages end, I presume there was a phone call or something as the messages after that are a long time later and are platonic.

Since I returned, my boyfriend always seemed to be a little non trustworthy of me. He never says anything except in jokes, but he always asks about the boys who I met overseas and here on nights out.
I always felt he was just a bit insecure, and tried to make it clear that I am incredibly loyal, which I am.

So after reading these messages, I am devastated. In February, we had sent each other valentines presents, he had sent me a card with 'boyfriend on it'. A few days later, he asked her on a date.

I do think I know what he was thinking at the time. I know he really loved me but he was worried that I wouldn't come back to him. He has said this since, that he was very worried that I would meet someone over there. I think that while he didn't love this girl, she was 'perfect on paper' for him and seeing as she was so obviously into him, he was unwilling to let her go. We had only been seeing each other for 6 weeks before I left. But the fact is, we were together.

He knows there is something wrong but I don't want to fight and break up on holidays. We are home in a few days, and I think I will wait until then. I feel so let down, I honestly didn't doubt him at all as I knew how he loved me, and he is so big on honesty and integrity. But I am so angry that he was untrusting of me when I was so loyal, and then he did that.

Is this a betrayal, cheating, or am I overreacting?

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Reflexella · 02/11/2017 22:48

Not overeacting. He’s a snake.

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