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Husband has fallen out of love and pregnant with Number 2

(9 Posts)
AlexiY Thu 02-Nov-17 22:28:22

Hi Mums,

I have been married coming up 5 years now – been together for nearly 9 years and have a baby girl who is 2.5Y and another one on the way (6 months pregnant)

My husband has dropped a bomb shell on me saying that he has fallen out of love with me and that he feels like he’s physically there for me but not emotionally ( He told me he fancies a girl at work who reminds him of an ex more than 14 years ago that he didn’t have closure with. He said its all in his head though and she doesn’t know and his emotions is just wanting to ask her out on a date) This was a big shock as we have always been so smooth sailing. Always had goals and worked hard together to achieve them. Before I got pregnant with number 2 he assured me that’s what we both wanted and he was happy when I announced it to him – we hardly argue and I guess since our girl has been born we cater most of our time to her and forget to love each other or show as much as we should.

When he told me he opened up to me and said that he feels like he’s lost his identity and don’t know why he feels so emotionless. He said he use to think about me all the time during the day etc but now it almost seems hes doesn’t. He doesn’t know if this is just a phase or how long he’s actually felt like this but he’s just realised. I ask him questions like is it cause u miss ur friends ( we have moved cities ). Like he doesn’t know anything hes so confused about everything. He goes to this work social club every month where they just go karting and do stuff so he’s still socialising but yeah he said he likes it but he just doesn’t know. I said to him – well if you don’t love me anymore then what’s the point u know .He always says hes come from nothing and ive given him a reason to live and hes always told me he wanted a family.. and live a normal life.. and I said isn’t that what u have right now? And now your telling me ur don’t love me and im pretty much pregnant now with ur 2nd child and ur telling me this now? I said sorry to say but u sound really selfish. But I said at the end of the day you cant help how u feel and if that is really how u feel.. then what can I do? This doesn’t just affect me and you.. this will be heart-breaking for our girl and no doubt the new one. He said that he wants to be able to be lovey dovey and not just feel like he’s physically there in person but no emotions and don’t want us to be bitter when we grow older towards each other..

He said to me that he will always care about me but he was trying to explain the difference between that he can care for me but he doesn’t love me .So I asked him if I was to walk out right now on you would you miss me. He said he doesn’t think so. He said he would care where I was or what I was doing but he wouldn’t miss me. He said when new bubs come out all his emotions will come back like he said it almost I need a trigger to feel again.. he said he doesn’t know if this is just his mid life crisis or something.. I have looked up depression/ anhedonia and can see that hes showing some sign of this but he doesn’t get angry or anything and when he’s opening up his feeling sound so real. We have been to the GP and they asked him a few questions but they said he doesn’t seem or not depressed enough to provide prescription medicine and suggested marriage counselling.

The reason for my post today. I am not sure if this is his true feelings (he doesn’t even know) or if this is depression talking. How am I meant to react right now? I am committed to helping him through all of this but I feel like he doesn’t respect me / our family enough to allow this to happen? I am also unsure if he is telling me to truth in terms of this girl at work and that is all in his head and they haven’t been actively involved. How am I meant to trust him going forward?

I am trying to find the right thing to do for our family and to offcourse protect me and our babies..

Thanks for the advice/ help

SandyY2K Fri 03-Nov-17 00:07:17

Oh dear. What a horrible situation to be in.

I'd feel gutted and would personally view it as the marriage being over. Even if he suddenly decided he did love me ... I'd be on edge waiting for him to say it in a few months or years.

He does it at such a vulnerable time for you as well ... that would erode any trust I had tbh.

Everyone is different...but I'd start preparing for a life without him as your husband.

I'd arrange force birthing partner while he looks after your DD.... Or I'd arrange it myself abd let him know when the baby arrives.

When someone tells me they don't love me, my feelings change pretty quickly as well. Where a romantic partner is concerned...my love for them is conditional on their love for me.

You deserve better than this.

MeAndMyElephant Fri 03-Nov-17 08:57:27

Sorry but my response is quite harsh.
If it were me I would ask him to leave. Make him face the reality of his decision. Maybe if he had a short sharp shock he might come to his senses.
At the moment he is in control, keeping you dangling whilst he decides what he wants. Don't let him think he is the one he is making all the decisions on a time scale that suits him.
Kick him out. Make him see the reality of life without you. Let him see that you are strong and do not need him.
And then see what happens.

RiseToday Fri 03-Nov-17 09:21:26

He's being totally manipulative. Particularly the part about his feelings for you will return when the new baby is born.

So he is basically asking for your permission to go out and shag this other person under the premise that it will all be ok, because his feelings for you will magically come back when the baby arrives.

What a load of shite. He just wants to have his cake and eat it. You're six months pregnant and have another young child, he probably feels unfulfilled.........boo hoo, so do most people in your situation but most choose not to abandon their heavily pregnant wife and child in order to satisfy his urges.

So, instead of doing the right thing and accepting that during pregnancy and parenting a young child, relationships can often suffer and become strained - so you have to work hard to keep it going.

So no, he doesn't get to have it both ways. He either stays faithful and works on your marriage or he leaves to pursue this fantasy of his - but he does not come back whenever he feels like it. His choice.

Aperolspritzer123 Fri 03-Nov-17 09:28:03

What a selfish twat he is. You poor thing OP, this is the time our partners should be nurturing us the most!!! I am so angry on your behalf.
If it were me, I don't think I could get past that metaphorical slap in the face. I would kick him out and let him take the consequences.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-Nov-17 09:41:27

So he's had his turned by OW.
He doesn't love you any more.
But.... YOU are going to support him through this and HE is controlling the situation!???
WOW - he's good, I'll give him that!
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!!!!
He needs to leave.
He needs to understand loss.
While you are doing the 'pick me dance' he has everything he wants.
Get him gone, out of your head space so you can think about what you want.
Do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you and is always thinking about another woman?
Until he realises consequences for his words, he'll just keep you dangling.
Don't let him do that to you! Please don't.
It will erode you self-esteem and self worth.
Bag packed, send him on his way.
Let him know you'll be in touch in a week but you need no contact to think things through for now.
Tell people. If it's just one non-judgey friend for now.
But you need some real-life support.
He's chasing a fantasy. Let him carry on - without you there picking up the pieces!
Do NOT be a doormat in this situation. PLEASE!!!!

babba2014 Fri 03-Nov-17 09:59:18

Does he not realise that if he were to leave you, go to this other woman eventually, they'd have kids and it would be the same situation?!

This is what happens after kids. There's less time to focus on each other and it is hard but that's why parents are so bloody amazing! It's not a walk in the park fairytale like we see on Christmas movies or something. It's the day in, day out of sacrificing a lot for bringing up good people.

Please show him this post as although my head hasn't been turned by someone else (the grass is always greener on the other side), I always am honest with my DH and over the past few months have told him I feel so distant. We have good memories together but now I feel like those memories are not enough. So now we try to spend a little extra time together when the kids are asleep (you have one now, truthfully it is very hard with two). Because I know I always love and care for him and not even bother to look at another person as life will repeat itself with another and another. What's the point?

To be honest the part where he says feeling will come flooding back when second baby is born sounds really silly! The time to enjoy and reconnect with you is NOW. It is hard now with one child who needs you attention and also you're pregnant but it is a lot harder finding the time with two. Do not allow him to go off and have a wander to return when baby is born. He's either in it for the long haul with you or he can bugger off.

MeAndMyElephant Fri 03-Nov-17 09:59:22

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

MeAndMyElephant Fri 03-Nov-17 10:03:54

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

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