Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Testing a man’s obnoxious side

(64 Posts)
Notmyrealname85 Thu 02-Nov-17 19:50:22

Been seeing a great great guy for last six months. Started slowly and now living in each other’s pockets smile

But... on Monday we went out for a meal at a v nice place where the staff are v v attentive and love to provide good service. He spoke over them on say six or seven instances, where they were trying to put the food down and explain where food was sourced from (they’re into that), or give us menus or ask us how our food was to each course (five courses)

What should’ve been a lovely special evening was instead frankly a bit shit. When we’re together he asks about my day endlessly, cooks all the time and refuses to let me clean up... it’s heaven!! And then we go somewhere nice and this time he’s rude to staff when being lovely to me.. it was like being on say a fourth date with someone when you realise they’re a dick, and they’re chatting away trying to impress you and all you’re thinking is get me out of here

Obvious example - by end of evening staff were clearly little bit bored of serving us because of him. When they’d ask how a dish was he’d bluster “oh awful, worst thing I’ve tasted... like it was out of a bin” etc every bloody time! It wasn’t funny, even though he was clearly trying to be... and when he’d say this he would deliver these lines to me jokingly, so he didn’t even properly address the waiters. Maybe I’m being too sensitive but manners and respect for others are very important to me!!

Three months ago there was something similar at the cinema. He was asking someone who worked there how to find the exit (he didn’t know I was nearby) and was quite short with him, and stroppy almost. It was really ridiculous and I pulled him up on it at the time

Also on Monday, maybe three times he made crude remarks about me and sex the staff waiting at nearby tables were likely to hear; I was mortified and told him each time to stop sad he was giddy though, honestly if I didn’t know better I’d assume he was secretly coke-y (he’s not...I hope)

Last night ended with me asking why he was so obnoxious all of a sudden and telling him all these examples...

Does anyone have experience of this? It’s rare enough that I don’t have enough evidence as to whether he’s a secretly horrid person... can I set up a test somehow...

OlennasWimple Thu 02-Nov-17 19:51:43

How much more evidence do you need? confused

Run while you still can!

Notmyrealname85 Thu 02-Nov-17 19:52:38

Oh crap sad I’m trying to figure out if it’s bad behaviour I can correct...or just him... he’s edging 40 btw so...

TheFifthKey Thu 02-Nov-17 19:52:38

Isn’t that supposed to be THE test though? How they treat waiting staff? And he’s already failing that.

HollyandBrambles Thu 02-Nov-17 19:55:07

He sounds like a bit of a knob, what did he say when you asked him what was going on?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Thu 02-Nov-17 19:55:45

What do you need to test? confused you’ve seen it! More than once. That’s who he is. Either accept it and carry on dating him knowing to expect this every time you go out or end it.

MissWitch Thu 02-Nov-17 19:56:49

The true test of a man’s (or woman’s) character is how they treat people who serve them and how they treat animals. I’d be mortified by his behaviour, especially considering he’s in his 40s. Far too old to ‘correct’ behaviour even if he wanted to change. I’d be getting out of there now! Who knows if/when he’s going to direct that side of his character at you.

Worriedrose Thu 02-Nov-17 19:57:00

Yeah. That would be the end for me.
We aren't New Yorkers.
As a culture we are overly nice and kind to staff in general. So if someone isn't. It's mich worse

CaretakerToNuns Thu 02-Nov-17 19:58:26


BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Thu 02-Nov-17 19:59:42

Oh crap sad I’m trying to figure out if it’s bad behaviour I can correct...or just him... he’s edging 40 btw so.

Correct? Would you tolerate him trying to “correct” what he decides are your personality flaws?

Ellendegeneres Thu 02-Nov-17 19:59:59

Bad behaviour you can correct? He's not a dog.
He's a fully grown arsehole man who treats staff with condescension and rudeness. You can't train that out of someone. You're either a total twat or you're not. He's a twat. Throw him back and try again.

Notmyrealname85 Thu 02-Nov-17 20:01:33

Bollocks... does sound LTB doesn’t it. Only reason I’m being a coward is these are two occasions and we go out maybe three times a week, seen only good behaviour then... but even on a bad day I wouldn’t be that douchey (I hope!). Guess it’s LTB

DancingLedge Thu 02-Nov-17 20:02:24

What do you mean, " secretly horrid"??
He's openly horrid.

Ellendegeneres Thu 02-Nov-17 20:02:45

And testing a mans obnoxious side? Why bother? Why settle for something less than decent? Urgh. He could be lovely to me, but the second I saw that, I'd be over it.
My oh is a sweetheart to anyone. And I mean, anyone. They may be selling something he doesn't want and being pushy and he'll still be nice about it. Because he's not a twat. You need to raise your standards a bit.

JennyHolzersGhost Thu 02-Nov-17 20:03:28

Arsehole. Dump.

Anatidae Thu 02-Nov-17 20:04:38

Judge them on their actions. Anyone rude to staff would be out the door for me. Just no way. It’s indicative of someone who thinks society is stratified into people to be good to and people you can treat as you wish. And also if someone who is capable of treating someone he believes is below him poorly.

That would include you if you don’t behave as he wants. Sorry, but I’d be ending it.,

Ellendegeneres Thu 02-Nov-17 20:04:41

You're not being a coward. You're trying to work out how he can be both. Here's how- he's hiding the real him. He's being rude to staff when you're not around. He's feeling superior if you're seeing it or not.
You're worth more you know.

Notmyrealname85 Thu 02-Nov-17 20:15:01

Thanks for the reassuring messages!! I don’t mind ending things over this tbh as don’t like wasting future time... let’s try and find a good one smile

EvieBlack Thu 02-Nov-17 20:19:13

What a twat. I can be a right moody cow but I’m lovely to animals and waiting staff.

iMatter Thu 02-Nov-17 20:20:02

He’s nasty.

Bin him.

tiggersdontlikehoney Thu 02-Nov-17 20:21:34

At least you're seeing it now and not 6 months or more down the line?

PickAChew Thu 02-Nov-17 20:24:29

He's horrid and his routine of treating you like a princess is way ott. Get in any deeper with him and he'll find ways of punishing you when you domestic up to his standards, as if the public sex talk wasn't humiliating enough.

AlternativeTentacle Thu 02-Nov-17 20:27:19

That is exactly why dates should include food, to gauge their treatment of waiting that you can gauge future behaviour when not trying to show off.

AnyFucker Thu 02-Nov-17 20:28:28

Never try and change a man

They are either great of their own accord or not worth your time

BonnieF Thu 02-Nov-17 20:33:49

If you do dump him, and I'm not suggesting you shouldn't, read him the riot act about his behaviour first. Tell him straight that he was appallingly rude, obnoxious and ill-mannered.

It doesn't sound like he's all bad, so he may benefit from being taught a lesson.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: