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Worrying about the effect of divorce on my dc

4 replies

Mamaka · 02/11/2017 16:25

I could really do with a kick up the backside.

I'm newly separated, it's coming up to 6 months but there's been lots of intense crying sessions, disappearing acts and general angst from my xh so it doesn't really feel like 6 months. I've even had to call the police round to escort him from our house once. I know I'm well out of the marriage and couldn't be happier with my new independence. He had severe anxiety and used that to beat me with in all aspects of our life.

What I'm concerned about is the effect it's having on our two dc. They are both under 5, ds (3yo) is particularly struggling - crying lots for daddy, saying "daddy misses me", having bad dreams, toilet accidents, angry at me etc etc. I know it would be better if his dad were stable, had his own place and set contact times etc but that hasn't happened and probably won't for a while. Last night my dc were away overnight and I spent most of what should have been a lovely night alone crying out of guilt and worry and genuinely considering asking their dad to come back! I've banished that insane thought now, but what can I do to help my dc through this?

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pudding21 · 02/11/2017 17:58

Hi Mamaka. I was in the same position as you, I left in feb. My ex uses his anxiety as an excuse for everything. My kids are a bit older, 9 and 6 but my ex has had moments when he has said and done things in front of them since I left.

Maybe some others will be along soon to help but all I have tried to do is listen to them and give them as much love, attention and age appropriate explanations on everything. I have not bad mouthed their Dad in front of them and have tried to support him as best as possible. I don't think you can do much more than that really. About the 3 years olds change in behavior it might be related to the split, or it might not. It might be he has regressed a little bit, and he would have been having episodes like this anyway. I think its easy to put all difficult behavior down to the separation, but in reality what you are doing is giving them a much healthier enviroment to thrive in.

Focus on that, rather than the split causing anything and it helps to give you the resolve to push on through. And be kind to yourself, it sounds like it was the right decision you made, and its still early days yet.

When you said they were away overnight, was it with their Dad? If so, how is he with them? My ex spent the first few months allowing the kids to sleep in his bed and crying in front of them a lot, that has settled now. Does their behavior change after theyve seen him? I think keep their routine as much as possible too if you can, and eventually they will settle more. I see you said he doesn't have his own place but does he see them on his own? My boys stay with their dad every week. i think that helps too so they don't miss him so much. Sometimes I worry about them but at this stage I think stopping them seeing him would have a more detrimental affect on them (like I said they are older).

Has the 3 year old had anymore change in his life recently? Like starting pre school? He might be more tired, more unsettled because of that.

Good luck, its super tough. I nearly caved a few times. The very fact he had to be escorted off your property shows he doesn't really put you or the kids needs above his own feelings. And never will.

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HadronCollider · 02/11/2017 18:10

Does your Ex have any family members who you trust and who are neutral that could serve as a halfway point in the sense could have the kids and your ex visit them there for a few hours. Obviously you would have to trust this person. But its a halfway solution between he not being organised to have them, and him not being able to visit them in the house.

Otherwise I'd suggest maybe see if ss could arrange formal contact. A contact centre? Mediation?

Thing is children react differently to divorce and initially it can be really shite for kids but I promise they will adjust in time. All you can do is spend as much time with them as you can.

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Mamaka · 02/11/2017 23:21

Bump

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Mamaka · 02/11/2017 23:23

Pudding - they were not with their dad. Unfortunately since the police were involved he hasn't been in touch except to ask for some documents.
Hadron - xh is staying with his mum at the moment and previous to the police incident the DC were going there Saturdays and occasional evenings. That's all stopped now as xh wants to "clear his head".