Uptight Husband

[RoganLogan]

Ok, I feel guilty writing this but I'm feeling very sad and frustrated today.

My husband is a good man. He is a good husband, a devoted dad. He works full time in a demanding job. He does more than his share with the house and kids. For background, we have two young girls, one is nearly three and the other is 12 weeks. I'm on mat leave. All finances etc shared.

When I married my husband, one of the things I loved about him was his laid back, unflappable personality. Nothing ever really got him down. Since the birth of DD1, I've noticed a shift. He's become a total stresshead. He's grumpy and unhappy a lot of the time. It has become even more pronounced since DD2 came along (and this has coincided with a promotion).

He and DD1 are so close that sometimes I feel excluded. He absolutely dotes on her and she worships the ground he walks on. He is developing the same bond with the baby but as she is so small, she is mainly with me. She's a pretty good baby. Only gets up once a night. Formula fed, so he does night feeds at the weekends and I do them while he works.

It is hard though. DD1 is going through an awkward, disobedient stage and is quite clearly jealous of her new sister. I'm trying to be easy going about it. I don't want to be shouting etc at her all day and generally we rub along just fine. DH , however, ties himself up in knots over her behaviour. He gets very grumpy with her. He doesn't lose his temper (I don't think he has much of a temper, but he's always moaning and telling her off. He's become quite moody. So yeah, life is quite hard just now with the two of them. There is no down time really. Par for the course isn't it?

More and more, I am getting the impression that he simply doesn't enjoy being with us. He always seems down and stressed out at the weekends. He barely takes any time off. He will absolutely do his share, but often is quite sulky about it.

I don't want him to leave but I dunno what to do. I feel like he feels we have ruined his life.

[Drinaballerina]

Your DD is still very little and its a huge adjustment going from 1 to 2 (we did last year). He's probably feeling tired and stressed out - with a new baby and job - talk to him (not in an accusatory way) and see what's bothering him. Be kind to each other - its a tough time, but usually passes soon enough x

[letsdolunch321]

Hi there,

You need to have a chat, If you are able to take a few hours out and ask him why he is mardy when he is at home.

You assume it is the children, could it be the promotion is not going as well as expected.

Talking will help, otherwise resentment can build as I found in my 1st marriage !

Good luck

[RoganLogan]

I have tried to talk to him. He gets really defensive. "I'm not grumpy, I'm fine" type stuff. Denies there is anything wrong. I know his work is stressful but I don't think it is overly so. I just think he's finding our home life too much right now.

[pallasathena]

Its so sad that you feel that he doesn't enjoy being with you and the children but rather than let that feeling fester, challenge him, calmly. You need to know where you stand and you need to know if this relationship is worth further investment or if its run its course.
As a previous poster said, these are the toughest years with two small children but from what I've seen with family, friends, neighbours is that usually, by the time the second baby arrives, new parents are well equipped and reasonably chilled because they've already experienced those sleepless nights, terrible twos and life never being quite normal ever again!
Can you organise a babysitter and go out, just the two of you for a meal, a glass of wine, a date night just for the pair of you and gently broach how you're feeling and how he is feeling. Worth a try?

[RoganLogan]

I've seen with family, friends, neighbours is that usually, by the time the second baby arrives, new parents are well equipped and reasonably chilled because they've already experienced those sleepless nights, terrible twos and life never being quite normal ever again!

This is exactly where I am. I don't find it too difficult at all. Yes at times it is frustrating and we have bad days but generally I feel like I'm in the swing of it now.

He is on holiday this week. I made him take the week. He's cracking up because toddlers behaviour has meant that we haven't been able to do some stuff. He's making it so tense and I don't know why.

[RoganLogan]

A date night might be worth a shot. I'll have a word with my mother in law and see if she'll come and sit with the girls.

[Myheartbelongsto]

Have you actually said to him you feel Luke you have ruined his life.

If my boyfriend said that to me rather than why are you so grumpy all the time it would be a different conversation we were having and I would feel terrible.

[RoganLogan]

No I haven't gone that far. I have said I feel like he doesn't enjoy the weekends with us and he's basically said don't be silly

[PJsAndProsecco]

Hi OP, speaking from experience it could well be that there's other stuff going on that he isn't opening up about. It sounds like he is deflecting the issue onto you by telling you not to be silly, and therefore you end up thinking it's you with the problem/being paranoid something's up. My DH did this to me for a long time until eventually the real reasons behind his distant and cold behaviour came out. Funnily enough I'd been right in thinking he was being odd all along.
I really hope there's nothing serious behind it but don't give up on talking to him. Keep telling him bluntly how you feel. I even ended up telling my DH i felt like he didn't love me anymore at one point. Just be real. Tell him you don't want a wedge between you and right now you're feeling more and more distant. Tell him you love him, but also be honest about how much this is affecting you.