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I don't like what's happening at home with my brother free riding

(123 Posts)
SMJYellow Thu 02-Nov-17 13:00:37

My income is incredibly low and I wouldn't be able to afford a rent on it. I live at home and I am so so grateful to my mother however I'm sick to my back teeth of something that is happening at home.

I help at home especially towards bills and that is the only right thing to do.

I have a brother also living at home. He was unemployed for a while but he's in full time unemployment for the best part of 18 months now. He's well and truly on his feet now. The thing is, he's not required to help in any way towards bills.

The household bills come in and they are split down the middle between me and my mother. I think, by right the bills should be split three ways and he pays his share but this isn't happening.

I've tried talking so many times to my mam and requesting that he pays his share but it's like talking to a brick wall. She likes to claim he doesn't have the money, and that he has his car to run and maintain. This quiet honestly is pure nonsense and just sexist pitying. There's opportunity in his work place for overtime and he's takes this regularly when ever it's going so that would boost up his income.
He has the money for going away on foreign breaks with his girlfriend, he had the money for a new suit a few months ago and money for a few days at the horse racing festival.

My life in comparison is much different. I shop in second hand clothes shops, there's no foreign breaks away and I have to budget every week. If I can't afford to go out, I don't go out.

I'm doing a rough budget for the next few more weeks and included are bills like the electricity, gas and pet bills (the elderly dog requires monthly pain medicine for arthritis).

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to cope and cover all this, my finances are that bad.
The electricity is going to be about 140 euro, the gas will be 100 euro and pet medication is 70 euro but the pet food is on me.

The pet dog is the familys dogs, but not once did my brother chip in to help.

All this is adding up and fills me with fear and dread. I'm dreading Christmas too. I usually like Christmas but I don't know how I'm going manage Christmas. I keep Christmas low key and I don't get involved in Christmas parties and festivities so that's something off my back. I'm looking ahead and working on a rough budget and going by my estimates I'm going to be struggling especially when it comes to the Christmas food shop.

If my brother was to pay his way, it would ease the load somewhat.

Bombardier25966 Thu 02-Nov-17 13:07:30

Why is your income incredibly low, what can you do to increase this?

Your annoyance is understandable but it's your mum's house and her rules. If you don't like it then you have the option to move elsewhere.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Thu 02-Nov-17 13:09:16

I'd start by only contributing a third of the costs, with a view to saving some money and moving out

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 02-Nov-17 13:09:48

Just calculate and put in a third. Yes its ‘her house her rules’ but you shouldn’t have to subsidise him and that’s what you are doing. You’re paying half of his costs as well as all of yours and that is not ok. If your mum wants to support him she can but that doesn’t mean you have to.

livefornaps Thu 02-Nov-17 13:12:48

Stop handing over the money!! Tell your mum you'll start again when your brother chips in. You're right - it is sexism pure and simple.

I know you are in a sticky situation financially but you should be looking at ways that you can progress your career to get yourself out of the rut of low pay. And then move out.

Annoyed5678 Thu 02-Nov-17 13:19:35

I agree work out a 3rd of costs but prioritizing the dog as medicine is needed so make sure that's paid but as for the rest let everyone else worry about that you just pay your third of it and up to your mum and brother what happens with the rest

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Nov-17 13:21:01

Start paying a third only.
Tell you DM you are happy to contribute YOUR share only from now on.
You are NOT subsidising your DB.
She can if she wants to but you cannot afford to as you need to save.

pinkliquorice Thu 02-Nov-17 13:23:49

How old are you and how old is he?
Did you have to pay when you were his age?

CJCreggsGoldfish Thu 02-Nov-17 13:27:19

Pay only a third from now on. Tell her you're happy to pay your own way, but can no longer subsidise your brother. If she doesn't want to ask him for money that is her choice, but you shouldn't suffer for it.

dailydance Thu 02-Nov-17 13:33:53

By any chance are you Irish?

dailydance Thu 02-Nov-17 13:36:16

I ask because it sounds like stereotypical Irish-mammy behaviour with your brother. (I’m Irish btw).

Any chance at all for you to move to a house share?

FizzyGreenWater Thu 02-Nov-17 13:49:55

Definitely call it what it is - paying his way for him.

'I'm at the end here Mum. I can't afford to help keep him any more. It's sad that he can't be an adult and pay his way, but I can't help you care for him any more, I just can't afford it.'

Make him sound like the embarrassment he is.

Pay a third of everything and no more. Use the extra to save. If she threatens to throw you out, say yep, fine. If you make me homeless at least I can go to the council and get housed. Guess that will be the end of our relationship, but hey, you've got the man-baby to keep you company'.

She's a horrid sexist. Think twice about staying close once you manage to get away.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 02-Nov-17 13:55:20

Pay a third from now on and by doing that you will stop subbing him out. Your mother is indeed a sexist idiot by acting as she is doing; putting her son on a pedestal is really doing him no favours either.

You do not mention your dad, where is he?.

I would also look to move out as soon as possible and would also think on your relationship with your mother once you have moved out.

SMJYellow Thu 02-Nov-17 16:01:48

Thank you for the replies.

My job is a night mare and my income is rubbish. I've begun making changes with a CV done up but changing job isn't going happen overnight.

Someone wrote to move out - I wish I could but for now I can't. I'd be homeless if it wasn't for my mother.

I dipped into an overdraft on my account last year and for the life of me I cannot clear it and bring my account back into balance. I live week to week.

SMJYellow Thu 02-Nov-17 16:21:08

Lately, Ive woken up to my brother and see so much callousness in him.

He gave me a 'poor' story a few years ago and I was happy to lend him money in which I never saw back.

A woman drove into the back of him a few years ago in 2012 and he over exaggerated his claim and received a huge compo payout which when he got it, he kept quite about and went to Canada for a year and he never contacted our mother once. Things fell on his ass and he came home.

Lately, he's withdrawn from the family and his behaviour isn't on really. He's gives out to our mother a lot. One minute giving out to her for going into his room and picking up his laundry, the next then requesting that she goes in and makes his bed. He has no respect really towards our mother or the family home but this is a situation my mother created really as far as I'm concerned. She should be getting him to do stuff for himself and pay his way too.

Earlier this year, the TV licence fee came and he didn't have to pay 5 euro even though he has a big 48 inch TV in his room. Nothing is right about this. He's happy to use resources at home like electricity and oil for heating water for showers but not pay his way.

I considered splitting bills down three way and just paying a third but I know this will create a situation that will be toxic at home and I don't know where I'm going to go.

My brother probably more than likely will not pay and probably shout and abuse our mother and then his share will be on our mothers back which our mother won't be able to afford. Thing is, I can't afford to continue picking up his share of the bills. I just don't have the money.

I did some rough and brother would be on the guts of 1350 euro a month. Car expenses would come in at an estimate of 600 euro a month including the weekly petrol. The rest of his income is all his and disposable. So he can afford to chip in his bit but he just doesn't want to.

Something sickened me a few months ago. Our mother doesn't have a car and I don't either. I get by well without one. My mother doesn't ask a lot of my brother and she asked him for a lift to the supermarket and his response was - for me to go and get a car. Wow! How was that going to help our mother get her groceries home that week?

He's pretty much banned our mother from his car since then too and that was June. This doesn't make sense to me really. He's free riding off our backs, claiming he doesn't have money and our mother is happy for him to do that to keep a car on the road in which he won't even help our mother in return.

SMJYellow Thu 02-Nov-17 16:26:21

Yes, I'm Irish.

My dad isn't about.

I'm in my 30s. My brother is 26. When I was living at home in my 20s, I very much had to pay my way.

When I was renting and not at home, my mother struggled to keep up with her decision of supporting my brother/s. I have two more brothers by the way but they emigrated. My mother came to me many times for money here and there when I was renting. Before she would ask any one of them to help and pay their way.

My rainy day fund was drained. Shit hit the fan for me and I had nothing and I had to move back home.

Bananalanacake Thu 02-Nov-17 16:28:39

I'm amazed your mum can't see what a freeloader he is.

Dozer Thu 02-Nov-17 16:31:00

Stuff paying even a third! Stop paying anything at all and suggest your brother takes a turn at paying half for 18 months (as long as he’s been FT) then you go thirds. Given that you have subsidised him all that time.

Your mother is as much to blame as your brother.

Dozer Thu 02-Nov-17 16:31:40

Use the money you save to clear your debts.

Bluntness100 Thu 02-Nov-17 16:35:06

This isn’t ok, but it seems your mother is in between a rock and a hard place. She knows he won’t pay, as you yourself said you also know he won’t, so what’s the point?

So she either keeps as is. Or chucks him out. Either way you’re no better financially.

As you’re an adult, can you speak to him? Explain uou cant afford it? No point forcing uour mum to, she’s in a terrible situation with you both still living there.

SMJYellow Thu 02-Nov-17 16:35:27

My mother was in a tone all day and eventually her issue came out. A new bill came this morning. Gas for 90 euro. Her issue is that she doesn't want me on my brothers back about this, herself claiming he doesn't have the money. Absolutely ridiculous and come the weekend he will be out getting drunk with the girlfriend. The money is there.

I wouldnt mind going half with this bill if I knew later in the month he would help with the electricity bill but that's not going to happen.

I feel sick to my stomach and I've a big fat headache about it all.

StaplesCorner Thu 02-Nov-17 16:36:40

There is no way out of this other than to refuse to pay any more than 1 third; your mum is an adult and sadly she has to take the consequences of her decision to allow your brother to financially abuse her, and making you suffer too.

StaplesCorner Thu 02-Nov-17 16:38:14

Well now is the ideal chance to say its stops here.

Mxyzptlk Thu 02-Nov-17 16:39:40

He does have the money.
You don't need to be on his back about anything. There are 3 of you living there, so pay a third of expenses. Let your mum decide what to do about the other third.

Mxyzptlk Thu 02-Nov-17 16:41:39

So she either keeps as is. Or chucks him out. Either way you’re no better financially.

Maybe some of the bills would be lower, if he's not there needing a bedroom heated, showers, laundry, food.

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