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Do I call her out or not?

(50 Posts)
Lostmymind01 Thu 02-Nov-17 12:49:11

Ok please don’t judge me but I’ve had an affair with a work colleague over the last year. She has many narcissistic traits and loves flirting and getting attention.

In the early summer I caught her out messaging another colleague in a suggestive way which she was remorseful (or so she says) about and “wouldn’t of let it go anywhere and do that to me”. Anyway since then our thing has not happened as much and she says she wants to just have fun now and then. I know she’s continuing to message this guy (or maybe others) and believe the change in heart is because she’s bored and moved on to someone else. We are really friendly and chat loads and she suggests we’ll have more fun when she’s back in the mood.

I’m really quite hurt by it all and have sought counselling as it’s messed my head up a bit, and I don’t know if to tell her I know and cause a row as she’ll say yes I’m messaging but there’s nothing in it, or just try (which is difficult) to keep away, which will result in her asking what’s wrong. I could lie and say nothing, but a part of me wants to say “I know, and I know what you’re all about”

Advice please

Butterymuffin Thu 02-Nov-17 12:51:59

Say nothing, just withdraw and be purely professional in your dealings with her. It doesn't sound like this was a healthy and rewarding relationship for you. Set yourself free to look for a better one. Don't bother with accusations and recriminations, it won't make any difference.

BlackBanana Thu 02-Nov-17 12:53:21

What do you mean by "affair"? are either you or her in a LTR?

Anecdoche Thu 02-Nov-17 12:57:59

when you say affair do you mean you and / or her have partners that you are bettaying?

Lostmymind01 Thu 02-Nov-17 13:06:10

Yes, she’s married and has kids. I’m in an LTR.

BenLui Thu 02-Nov-17 13:12:59

It’s very difficult to be sympathetic, you know she’s a liar, you know she’s deceitful.

You know because she’s been deceiving her DH by having sex with you. If she’s prepared to betray the man she’s supposed to love and respect above all why on earth are you surprised she’s not faithful to you?

Break off with this woman.
Break it off with your LTR.

Get a sexual health check and pray it comes back clear.

PNGirl Thu 02-Nov-17 13:17:07

Oh wow. Is this really what goes on in cheater's heads - seeking counselling because your affair partner is bored of shagging you and not because you sre betraying your actual partner?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 02-Nov-17 13:17:16

So you're both in other relationships but you're surprised that she is deceitful and cheating on you (while also cheating on her husband?). Please tell me this is a joke. Break it off with her and be honest with your partner. It's messed your head up? Are you so totally selfish in real life?

Anecdoche Thu 02-Nov-17 13:18:32

well then you have some nerve complaining that the woman you are cheating on your partner with is maybe cheating on you. you think you deserve fidelity when you are crapping all over your partner?

Lostmymind01 Thu 02-Nov-17 13:21:12

I never said I was in the right here. I’m a total and I know it. I just want to know how I deal with this situation I’ve put myself in

LookAtAllTheBullshit Thu 02-Nov-17 13:22:58

Why do you think she should be faithful to you?
She doesn’t give a shit about the man she made commitments and vows to or her kids why the fuck do you think you’re so special and what exactly are you going to call her out on? Being a cheat?

PNGirl Thu 02-Nov-17 13:24:08

But what do you want help with? She's "not in the mood". You don't want to be together obviously otherwise you'd have left your partners a year ago. You can't cheat on someone who is an affair partner.

ElephantsandTigers Thu 02-Nov-17 13:24:30

You deal with it by stopping contact with her and telling your partner you've been cheating hmm

juliettaa Thu 02-Nov-17 13:25:05

You're cheating on your long term partner and the one you're cheating with is cheating on you.

A simple case of 'you reap what you sow'.

Best way forward as already suggested, break off with both and get a sexual health check.

LookAtAllTheBullshit Thu 02-Nov-17 13:25:59

Remove yourself from the situation should sort it, then tell your long term partner, deal with her pain and the fallout.
Grow up, stop being selfish, entitled, cowardly and disrespectful.
That’s how to deal with the situation-end your relationship-both.

RatherBeRiding Thu 02-Nov-17 13:26:19

I can't get past the "I'm hurt by it" I'm afraid. You're a cheat. She's a cheat, who also appears to be cheating on the guy she's cheating with.

Jeez.

How to deal with it? Tell her it's over and have a long hard look at your own LTR and maybe do the decent thing by your partner? I.e either break off the relationship and let her find someone else who hopefully won't cheat on her; confess all and try to work it out; stop being a first class arse-hole and start putting your energies into your LTR.

And for heaven's sake get a sexual health check.

OkaakO Thu 02-Nov-17 13:29:03

I agree - I would advise breaking it off with your LTR and this married woman, in addition to continuing with the counselling. Simply tell her that you don't want to continue anymore and have moved on.

In the long run it would be best if you moved work places but...

I've been in a similar position OP. I look back and judge myself - I can barely believe that was me. Within a year of finishing both my dysfunctional relationships I met my now husband - just cannot imagine cheating on him, or anyone now. It really is like I was a different person. I now know I was extremely unhappy and looking for something external to take the pain away. I am very ashamed of this part of my history well over a decade on.

I really think you need to be looking at yourself and asking yourself the tough questions and not her.

BenLui Thu 02-Nov-17 13:32:19

We’ve told you how to deal with it.

Break off with both women. Get a sexual health check.

This isn’t complicated. There’s no deep emotional turmoil here. You don’t love your LTR and certainly don’t deserve her.

Your affair doesn’t value you for more than occasional sex and has clearly now moved on to the next man.

Be single for a while. See if you can transform yourself into a better man if you think you’re capable.

Cricrichan Thu 02-Nov-17 13:35:27

She's cheating on her husband with you and you're cheating on your partner with her. Why do you expect fidelity from her??

luckyDuvet Thu 02-Nov-17 13:35:51

What on earth were you looking for when you posted? Tips on how to win her back????

PlausibleSuit Thu 02-Nov-17 13:35:58

If you're in a relationship yourself, what might be happening is that you are transferring any guilt you might feel about cheating on your partner onto the woman you've been cheating with.

What I mean by this is that you probably feel bad, subconsciously, for being unfaithful to your partner. But your conscious brain can't/won't deal with that so it shifts the accusatory stuff onto your affair partner.

Therefore, you feel aggrieved when it looks like she's interested in someone else.

Actually, it's yourself you're upset with.

Your best option is probably to back away. End the affair. Continue to seek counselling and open that conversation up to explore why you felt moved to embark on the affair in the first place. Long term, you might find some answers that way.

By the way, if the first thing you think to say about someone is that they have " many narcissistic traits and loves flirting and getting attention " then it's all over bar the shouting anyway.

letsdolunch321 Thu 02-Nov-17 13:38:22

How bout trying to sort out your problem in your LTR rather than chasing other women !!!!

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 02-Nov-17 13:40:57

Oh god that’s bloody hilarious. You’re annoyed that the woman you’re cheating with is now cheating on you.

What planet are you on?! It’s not like you’re in some kind of exclusive relationship grin

You don’t need counselling you need to save the money for your poor other half’s counselling when they find out they’re wasting their life on a cunt.

Anecdoche Thu 02-Nov-17 13:44:14

well. if you were even half a man you would tell your partner you have been unfaithful and she can have a sexual health check and decide whether she actually wants to stay with a man who holds her in such contempt he cant keep it in his pants.

but i expect you are too much of a coward to do that.

you have some nerve coming and asking for sympathetic advice about your affair and how to deal with the cheater being cheated on.

you have absolutely no right to expect loyalty when you yourself show none.

so suck it up. you are a cheat. she is a cheat. cheats cheat. deal with it.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Nov-17 13:48:32

Call her out on what?
Cheating?
She's already cheating with you and 'on' you!!!
You sound very immature.
As you don't love your current DP, please please end it with her.
It's not fair to keep stringing her along while you get your kicks elsewhere.
She will be wondering what's going on.
What she's done wrong.
Why you've changed.
She'll be going insane.
Do the decent thing and end it with your poor poor GF.
As for the lying, cheating girl at work.
Stop thinking it's anymore to her than a bit on the side for her own kicks. Just like you are getting.
Walk away from that.
Figure out why you are the type of person who is willing to cheat.
Tackle that, then move on!

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