Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

please don't flame me

(119 Posts)
Oshun Thu 02-Nov-17 11:30:00

Hi, I'm posting this because I really need some objective feedback and I'm too ashamed about some of this to discuss it with my friends offline.

Please bear in mind that I do realise some of my actions have been stupid/naive. I have PTSD (from abuse) and have been working really hard on healing for quite some time, via therapy etc. I will discuss what's just happened with my therapist, but not seeing her until Monday. Please try not to be mean to me lol

To give some background, I'm 39, single, reasonably happy in life but have plenty of problems, seem to be considered attractive but issues with self-worth and somewhat poor self image....

I'd been voluntarily single for a loooong time while I focused on healing emotional issues. In August I met a man I instantly clicked with. He's my age, seemed sort of shy and very deep. Charming, intelligent and a bit quirky. He owns several yoga/meditation centres and that's an area I'm really interested in, so we had loads to talk about. In fact that's how I met him, I wandered into one of the yoga centres to buy a yoga mat, he happened to be in there that day and we got talking.

We went out a week later. The date was amazing. Talked for hours again. Continued like this for several weeks. At this point, in retrospect, there were a number of red flags that I should have noticed. I'd assumed he was just a hard-working 'normal', ambitious business owner. But by the 3rd date he'd revealed that he used to be a crack dealer for a number of years. He also revealed that he used to smoke crack (but doesn't now) and that he smokes lots of weed pretty much every day. He had even spent a year in prison abroad for a drugs related offence.

I just immediately glossed over all this. As things progressed I noticed he still wanted the hours and hours of deep conversation (which I loved), but he was becoming extremely sexual in a way that felt like it was moving too fast for me. I told him I don't have sex outside of a relationship and he started being really vague about his status. He said he's not sleeping with anybody but it sounded like that was because nobody has agreed to sleep with him, not because he's not been trying. He even gave me an example of one “very pretty” woman he's been taking out for meals but she doesn't seem interested in sex with him.

I also noticed he seemed to struggle to commit to normal dates. On at least 4 occasions he'd just text me around 3 in the afternoon to find out if I'd go and meet him that night and then he'd seem really deflated/annoyed when I already had plans.

We had a date set up at one point where he was being really flaky about whether he could even make it or not. He was meant to pick me up at my place and go get something to eat. But he said he felt a bit ill. Eventually he did show and it turned out he felt ill (had symptoms of a cold) because he'd done loads of cocaine the night before. He'd just sat in his office snorting loads of cocaine by himself. He somewhat reluctantly took me out for dinner then seemed to assume he was crashing at my place. He talked about how good he thought sex would be with me blah blah blah. We slept in the same bed but I made it clear I wasn't willing to have sex with him.
The next morning his behaviour was better and we ended up having a great conversation and we made out.

Fast forward to just a few days ago. We had plans in place for me to cook a meal for him on Saturday. However, on Friday afternoon he called me to cajole me into meeting him at one of his centres. I didn't understand the sense of urgency. I was unable to go due to work commitments and already had plans in place for that evening. He called and texted me throughout the evening begging me to go to his place. He was also sending graphic sexts.

It turns out he'd been sitting there snorting cocaine by himself. He had mentioned that he'd get some weed to bring over to my place on Saturday to smoke a spliff while watching movies. Although I'm not really interested in weed (last time I smoked weed was probably around 2005), I'd said sure, why not. But it turned out he also smoked all the weed he'd bought, by himself, that same night. He blames me for him having taken all those drugs on Friday as he said he did it because he was lonely and I hadn't shown up. But I'd never agreed to meet him on Friday, there was never any suggestion of it.
He later said, “I've been a naughty boy. When I get drugs I just can't stop until I've used up the lot.”
This is the second time he's looked all sheepish and said “I've been a naughty boy.”
Finally, on Saturday, we met up. He was immediately really sexually aggressive. Stupidly I went along with it. We had sex.

Immediately after sex he disappeared into the bathroom and I heard what sounded like him doing some kind of nasal cleansing ritual. I hear this almost every time he goes into the bathroom. And he seemed to be in the bathroom cleaning himself or whatever (but not showering) for a very long time. He has admitted before that he is OCD.

We went out for dinner. He was extremely pleasant and warm. The plan was for him to buy some weed and for us to go my place to watch movies. He called the person he wanted to buy weed from and the guy said he was out of town. My guy sounded desperate at that point. The dealer said he can't help him on this occasion. His entire mood changed. He looked crestfallen and seemed upset and nervous. We drove to my place. When we got there he suddenly said, “Actually I don't think I'll come in. I'm gonna go back to my mum's place.”

At that moment I realised just how often his mother crops up in my dealings with him. He has more or less moved back in with his mother, after subletting his own home. He sleeps either at his mother's home or at his sister's. He says he likes it as his mother's home because it's comfortable, he gets to sit and talk to her and it would be stupid to pay for his own home when she has a spare bedroom at her house. He says he's doing this so he can invest more money in his business. His mum is constantly calling him on the phone. He describes her as his role model. She brings him meals to his workplace.
Anyway, he said “I'm gonna go to my mum's”. We had a bit of an argument. Eventually he decided he was going to come to my flat instead. It felt a bit awkward. We sat and talked. One thing led to another and we had sex again. Although the sex was great, he seemed pretty cold afterwards. We talked a bit about life and various other stuff. He asked me what I'd do if I got pregnant and when I said I'm Catholic and would be unlikely to have an abortion, he looked extremely unhappy. He said he wants kids but not for a very long time yet. So that in itself is insulting really. He went to the bathroom and did that weird nasal thing again.

We slept in the same bed but there was no cuddling or warmth at all. In the morning he seemed distant. Asked for a towel (back to the bathroom routine again). No kiss, nothing. We had coffee and talked for I guess two hours. The conversation was not about our relationship exactly. He was talking about various places he wants to take me and stuff to do together. He was back to his usual self during this conversation. Finally, he left. Back to mummy's house. He hugged and kissed me goodbye.
All I've heard from him since then is a text message that included a smiley emoji.
Having typed all this out I am thinking just three words: WHAT THE F-CK?


Santawontbelong Thu 02-Nov-17 11:34:37

Run run run.

Angelf1sh Thu 02-Nov-17 11:35:08

Cut your losses NOW! Block, delete, ghost. Do not bother with this man again. He is a mess. So much of a mess that I can’t even bother typing out all of the reasons why this is not going to end well for you. Just get rid now and save yourself a looottttt of heartache and abuse.

Oshun Thu 02-Nov-17 11:45:38

@Angelf1sh thanks for your reply. I realise that he is a mess. But you would go so far as to think he's potentially abusive as well then? All comments gratefully received

Swizzlesticks23 Thu 02-Nov-17 11:48:44

He is clearly a drug addict

You have done all this hard work to build up yourself and your mind.

Don't let this man bring it all down

Please don't have anymore contact with him.

It won't end well all your hard work will be ruined

He isn't for you. You will find someone if you want someone when they are right. This isn't him

Stupormum Thu 02-Nov-17 11:53:00

Yikes it's hard to know where to start isn't it...but in summary:

Ex convict
Drug dependent (I base that on the fact that he gets twitchy and upset without his weed and also the fact that he's happy to spend afternoons on his own doing cocaine)
Sexually aggressive
Lives with mum

Please be kind to yourself and spend no more time with him, there is no future with him (as I'm sure you know) and it's not worth risking the hard work you've done and continue to do in therapy.


Oshun Thu 02-Nov-17 11:53:21


I feel disappointed and confused that I allowed all this to happen. Until now I'd been completely free of abusive or dysfunctional relationships for almost 10 years.

It seems clear now that I must walk away but I'm determined to analyse why I let this happen, so that I can make sure I don't drift into anything similar in future.

In addition to having a drug problem I'm getting a really uneasy feeling about his relationship with his mother.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 02-Nov-17 11:53:51

Are you INSANE?

What on earth are you thinking? That he'll suddenly stop taking drugs? He's even got you doing it and you've only been with him five minutes.

The moment he said 'crack' you should have got out of there.

Honestly, OP, I think you should get a counsellor immediately to look at your boundaries. It seems you're putting your need for any man over your own mental health.

Angelf1sh Thu 02-Nov-17 11:55:01

Yes yes yes he’s abusive! Glaringly so! He’s already pressuring and guilt tripping you into having sex you don’t really want, blaming you for taking drugs, gaslighting you about when you do and don’t have plans to see each other and shuts down any possible disagreement by walking out saying he’s going to his mother’s (ie if you argue with me, I’ll leave you). This man is not good for you. Get rid.

ZestyMaximus Thu 02-Nov-17 11:55:04

"weird nasal thing" is him snorting coke or crack. Get rid.

Oshun Thu 02-Nov-17 11:56:03

@MyBrilliantDisguise I already said in my original post that I have PTSD, that I'm in therapy and that I hoped people responding would not be mean and judgmental. I don't see my therapist again until next week so haven't had a chance to discuss all of this yet

Oshun Thu 02-Nov-17 11:56:39

Thanks @Stupormum xxx

rosareine Thu 02-Nov-17 11:57:53

What Angelf1sh said.

Bluntness100 Thu 02-Nov-17 11:59:44

I don’t think he’s abusive no, nothing in there indicates he is. What he is is a drug addict and that in itself can cause people to be very selfish. He’s probably sub letting his place because he spends all his money on drugs and needs the cash.

I personally wouldn’t want to be involved with a drug addict, I would end this relationship, you’re randomly sleeping with him, agreeing to do dope with him and basically just going along with it, drugs will always be his first love.

Kr1st1na Thu 02-Nov-17 11:59:50

I agree.

End it now, block and delete.

Then go for couselling to figure out why you ever had a second date with him .

Kr1st1na Thu 02-Nov-17 12:01:25

Please don’t think people are being harsh. They just want what’s best for you and this junkie ex dealer isn’t it.

HarmlessChap Thu 02-Nov-17 12:03:05

Drug using, self absorbed, abusive former dealer with a prison record who's a bit of a mummy's boy.

Run fast, he is a disaster that you don't need to be caught up with, you will never fix him and I doubt he wants to fix himself.

Oshun Thu 02-Nov-17 12:03:32

### I am already in therapy##

Started therapy about 2 weeks ago as a direct result of uneasy feelings about this relationships. Literally only 2 sessions so far and have not had the chance yet to discuss in full what is going on between me and this man

Oshun Thu 02-Nov-17 12:05:11

@Bluntness100 yes he is incredibly self absorbed and stunningly childish. He's about to turn 40 but frequently refers to himself as "a naughty boy"

whiskyowl Thu 02-Nov-17 12:05:40

I don't think you need to analyse how this happened.

You met a guy. You clicked. He seemed nice, but turned out to be a dysfunctional and drug-addicted mess underneath. You went along with it, experimentally, but after a few dates you realised it really wasn't going to work. You dumped him.

This is how relationships go sometimes. You didn't do anything "wrong" that requires any deep analysis. Most of us take a little time, when we are getting to know someone, to realise what they are like.
He's the one who is the mess, not you. You sound like you have your head screwed on well, and a good sense of judgement without being judgemental. Lovely, in fact. Please don't worry - this is his bad, not yours.

Flimp Thu 02-Nov-17 12:06:11

The drugs stuff is waving big red flags at you (and I say this as someone who is not offended or alarmed by social drug use).

Sitting doing coke on his own is a problem.
His mood is reliant on whether he scores.
He can't stop once he gets some.

And then there's the stuff about you two - he's flakey. Hot and cold. Keeping his options open.

Sexual aggression is not OK and you don't have to go along with it. I promise you, you're worth more than this.

This is a shit storm waiting to happen. You're vulnerable. Don't let him drag you into his shitty mess.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 02-Nov-17 12:09:21

"...I feel disappointed and confused that I allowed all this to happen. Until now I'd been completely free of abusive or dysfunctional relationships for almost 10 years..."

@Oshun - please don't beat yourself up about this - you expected decency from him, because YOU are a decent person yourself. And you have had the awareness and courage to confront the issues in the relationship, to ask for advice, and to make a plan for the future.

Oshun Thu 02-Nov-17 12:09:59

@whiskyowl that's very encouraging. Thank you.

On the positive side, I have a therapist now, my home, finances etc are stable (unlike his lol), so I'm in a good place to really work on healing myself

letsdolunch321 Thu 02-Nov-17 12:12:15

Don't beat yourself up, I agree with all the other posters on here you need to block him and stay well away from any communications.

Most of us will have experienced wrong-un's in our lives - you can only try to not make the same mistake again.

Sending hugs to you

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Nov-17 12:13:26

OP you know what you need to do.
This man is all shades of wrong on all sorts of levels.
You missed and ignored so many red flags here and just buried your head and carried on.
Work on this with your therapist when you next go.
Did you get support from Womens Aid after your last abusive relationship?
If not, then do give them a call.
Did you do the Freedom Programme?
Again, please do this if you haven't done it before.
It will help you spot red flags far sooner and to avoid these types in future.
I'm sorry you've a had shitty time with this drug addicted, abusive convict.
But you now need to block, delete and ignore.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: