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Conflicted stay or go ??? Help

(20 Posts)
Dinglehopper Thu 02-Nov-17 10:52:47

No idea how to start or what to say, feeling conflicted about my marriage and whether or not to leave.
Bit of backstory , we have 2 dc aged 6 and 3 yrs I'm p/t he's f/t so I often care for the kids. Basically we had an incident back in January whilst I was driving (just passed) and I contacted a solicitor and made efforts to leave and told him I wanted to separate. My mother said she would support my decision etc when I told him he said f**k off out my house I'm taking the kids etc my mum then started saying things like why don't you do counselling /anger management make a go of it so I backed down and agreed because I felt let down and backed in a corner. Several months have passed and I feel unhappy no real physical contact with my husband as I honestly don't want to
I worry for my children and don't know what to do part of me feels I need to leave and another part worries it may be the wrong decision any advice ?????

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 02-Nov-17 11:17:59

Hi OP. Not sure what advice to give but didn't want to read and run. You deserve to be happy. What was the incident? Are you safe? What is your financial situation? Could you take the children and move in with your Mum? Sorry, lots of questions!

Dinglehopper Thu 02-Nov-17 11:22:46

Hi green , basically we were out I was driving 1st time with kids in the car so was nervous and stalled we ended up bickering and I said you are making me feel nervous he then screamed and shouted at me hitting the dash saying I'm gonna f**king punch you pull over .. the house is in my name though his dad provided the deposit for it , at the moment he seems ok other than moaning and shouting at the kids for silly things. I feel as though it's a matter of when he will have a bad day and kick off again. There has been a few incidents over the years not many but enough that I feel conflicted about whether to stay

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 02-Nov-17 12:15:20

Gosh. Sorry that happened to you, he sounds like an arsehole! And sounds like you are living your life walking on eggshells around him. If it were me, I would go. Or ask him to go... but easier said than done I know. Do you have any friends you can talk to in real life?

Congrats on passing your test. Is he used to being the one driving everyone everywhere? My Dad HATED my Mum learning to drive. An abusive exBoyf of mine did do when I first got a car. It was all about control - imagine being able to drive where you want, when you want...

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Nov-17 12:26:50

How can tell you to fuck off out of his house if it's your house?
He doesn't sound very stable.
While he is there shouting at the kids, it's sending them a terrible message.
Women allow men to be top dog and take priority over the welfare of the DC.
That's not a good thing to teach them.

Dinglehopper Thu 02-Nov-17 12:29:50

Thanks, unfortunately no friends I'm very quiet and find it difficult to maintain close friendships.. He was and he drives for a living but he gripes at me for not driving more .. I'm just exhausted and can't be bothered with it anymore , I feel like I resent everything he does and doesn't do and I hate the way he talks to the kids sometimes , I believe it will be difficult to get him to go as he in arguments will say it's his house and that was his attitude when I wanted to separate he basically wanted me to leave with 2 small kids

Dinglehopper Thu 02-Nov-17 12:31:54

Hells he seems to think that because his dad gave the deposit as a gift that it's his house , I don't care about the house I just want my kids to be happy . The other day my son was talking to me and wanted me to play I said why don't you ask daddy (I was ironing) he said no mummy daddy is always angry and that broke my heart

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 02-Nov-17 12:36:14

He can think what he likes, you are entitled to 50% of the house! Can you get some legal advice?

Dinglehopper Thu 02-Nov-17 13:43:44

Yes my mum works in a solicitors, I went there in January to get advice back when I tried to leave before

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 02-Nov-17 14:06:19


Your children are perceptive and are seeing the full realities of you being abused by their dad; your son's comments say it all really. Do not make this their childhood.

Do seriously consider returning to the Solicitors asap; they can and will help you. HE has put you in this low place by his actions; abusive men always say they are taking the children. Its an empty controlling threat designed to keep their victim in place and they use the children like this to hurt the mother.

Womens Aid can and will help you also; their phone number is 0808 2000 247.

Dinglehopper Thu 02-Nov-17 14:49:46

Thanks attila, I will be visiting my gp on Tuesday and will mention it to her also as I'm on medication for anxiety and I believe part of my anxiety is caused/worsened by the constant worry over what to do
I will speak to my mum this weekend as she's away and I don't want to worry her and she will refer me to a solicitor

I feel awful about the affect it's having on my children, my daughter is so clingy with me and often only wants me to get her changed put her to bed etc which I think is down to him working long hours and being grumpy when he is home. He's more interested in his ps4

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 02-Nov-17 14:55:17

I think making plans to leave is the right thing to do in the long-term. You don't sound very happy at all. Yes, speak to your Mum when she's back. And good idea to see GP too. You may find that once you're free your anxiety improves a lot! Good luck, don't forget we are all here to hand-hold if needed. flowers

Dinglehopper Thu 02-Nov-17 16:39:01

Thank you green, I know this will be hard but I think if I stay i will feel awful and regret it. Dreading the day when I tell him as it didn't go to well the last time

Dinglehopper Sat 04-Nov-17 13:49:51

Having a hard day , keep flitting between feeling I'm making the best decision by choosing to end things and then feeling guilty and sick at the thought of actually doing it. I feel like I'm going to be viewed as such a horrible person for doing this.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 04-Nov-17 13:57:19

Who would view you as a horrible person. He may view you as being horrible (and that is because he is simply projecting onto you) but I doubt very much that your mother would see you as being at all horrid.

You do not want your children to see you being abused by their dad as you have been to date. This is no legacy to see them and your son is already aware of what is happening here by saying to you that daddy is always angry. You have yourself stated he is more interested in his PS4.

Your H's behaviours are also likely to make any underlying anxiety you have a lot worse; your emotional state would likely improve once you are apart from him. He won't make it at all easy for you to leave him because he likes having you around to control and abuse as he sees fit. Your children are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him.

Dinglehopper Sat 04-Nov-17 14:05:46

Thanks attila, I'm just dreading saying it to him. I tried to end it a few months back due to what he did with car and I was all ready for it and he reacted badly I was upset and ended up backing down partly because my mum started suggesting counselling/anger management
She was trying to diffuse the situation and I think she felt bad for him as I had her and my dad there. I love my mum so much but I felt so let down that night , I felt I had little choice but to agree and act like I didn't want to leave. I haven't told her that's how I felt, in fact I spoke to her and told her I'm adamant it needs to end and she said are you sure it's not saveable and annoyingly I was truthful with her about all the incidents that have occurred since our children arrived one being whilst heavily pregnant with dd he kicked me whilst lying in bed as I asked him to tend to our ds as I was struggling to get up/pain in pelvis etc. Sorry for rambling

Dinglehopper Sun 05-Nov-17 09:59:39

So I spoke to him last night , tried to ask how he felt the marriage was/was he happy. He immediately said I'm done do what you want, I knew this was going to happen.
He admitted that he knew I have been unhappy for months, didn't react too well was pretty awful and threw his wedding ring said he can do better.
It's going to be awful as he's adamant he wants to sell house so he can get money for himself doesn't seem to care about upsetting the kids.
Also said he's sorting his money so I don't get it and good luck paying bills(joint account) I'm part time to care for kids and don't earn much .
Just glad I did it and no chance I'm backing down this time , visit to the solicitor is next on the list.

Aperolspritzer123 Sun 05-Nov-17 10:17:34

Well done OP. It's out there now so that's one hurdle over with. You're going to have to be brave to get through this because it sounds like he will make it difficult. Just remember, half of that house is yours regardless. Don't back down now x

Hermonie2016 Sun 05-Nov-17 15:29:33

He's a bully.A reasonable person would want to talk through why you were unhappy. His comment about him doing better is likely to be projecting, as he knows you deserve better.

I chose a solicitor who was lovely and whilst her strategy has been fine she is not able to deal with the highly aggressive solicitor ex chose.My advice is not to fight fight with fire but to chose a solicitor with extensive family law experience and experience of high conflict individuals.
Mine hasn't got lots of court experience as most of her clients have been more reasonable than my ex.Despite me saying how awkward he was she still can't believe it.
Life will feel difficult for a while but it will get better.I am sad I chose a nasty husband but glad I was strong enough to get away.

Dinglehopper Mon 06-Nov-17 20:44:41

Thank you , few days on and things are awful and so strained. I'm so glad my family are supportive.
The solicitor i am seeing has a lot of family court experience so I hope it goes well on Wednesday.

The main issue has been him trying to force me to sell and give him "his money" back. The deposit was given to us by his father as a gift (contracts were signed to this effect) I only want to be able to stay in the same place so my children aren't uprooted
I have offered to remortgage and give him the money but his mother believes that's not good enough they want it all straight away. His mother and sister both questioned me as to how I could manage to upkeep and pay bills and say I can get a private let (mortgage is really cheap private rent would be at least double)

His mum has openly stated that she suspected he was hitting me and when I informed her he called me a dirty f**king whore in front of our kids she said oh did he mean it in a jokey way .... wtf??

So exhausted but I'm not backing down.

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